Going back to work after a D&C. How???

[veritas1961]

I had a missed miscarriage a few weeks ago and had a D&C yesterday. I expected to have minimal pain and a lot of bleeding, but the reverse has been true. My pain management is incredibly thorough and I have a narcotic option if I need it, but the emotional drop is also just a lot. Like, I am preemptively angry at having to re-enter the world and deal with people.

I’d initially planned to go back to work Thursday but I honestly don’t know if I’ll be up for it. In part because of my mental state, in part because I have a public-facing job AND I don’t get along great with the coworker I’m scheduled with that day. It feels like too much too soon to be thrown in with a horde of demanding people AND a shitty coworker. For instance, this coworker told me I am “still young” after learning of my MMC (despite the fact that I am advanced maternal age) and then spent the rest of the shift telling me about their own health problems. In general, they are just a self-centered boomer, which is normally tolerable, but I am not in a normal emotional state right now.

It seems like the expectation is for women to be right back at work after this, and I know that a lot of women do go right back the next day, so I feel like this need for time is a failing on my part. I do think it might be different for me if I had an office job and worked independently, but still. I’m just… angry. And sad, and physically hurting. And I honestly don’t want to be obligated to interact with anyone; I just want to spend time with my husband.

 

[cn17]

@veritas1961 I am so sorry you are going through this. I just want to validate- you do not have to put up with any shit right now. Period. If working with insensitive coworkers feels like too much you are in no way obligated to put yourself through that right now. (I once had a boomer coworker tell me after my miscarriage that in her day it would be considered a blessing because I was unmarried ) You don’t have to carry the normal social obligations of humans right now. You can be angry and grieve. Society might not validate that but it’s the truth. You don’t owe anyone anything. Honor your emotions as they come up and process in your own time. Don’t make expectations for yourself. Go at your own pace. You got this.

 

[tokitee]

@cn17 Oh, I've had a lot of blessings then, by that metric. And what I've found is anger is so natural. I have a job where I can hide behind a screen but if I didn't, absolutely take all the time off you need.

 

[veritas1961]

@cn17 Thank you for the kind words and I am so sorry a coworker said that to you. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like.

 

[zachariahs]

@veritas1961 My dad once gave me the best advice, it’s mainly in regards to quitting but I think it applies to any situation where you feel guilty or some type of way about taking time off.

“They made it through before you, and they’ll make it through after/without you”

Girl, take all the time you need or can afford. They will be fine. If you don’t look after you, then no one will because your employer is definitely not gonna.

 

[veritas1961]

@zachariahs Thank you, that is so true. I did end up taking more time and it was absolutely the right call.

 

[leggomymeggo]

@veritas1961 I’m sorry you are going through this… it’s so unfair. I went through the same thing and took zero time off work, except the day of the procedure. I should have taken more time as the whole thing kicked off a depressive period that lasted over a year.

If you’re able to take the rest of the week (or more) perhaps that would be a good idea. It is not a failing on your part. It is sad and anger producing for many women to experience a miscarriage and/or fertility issues but we don’t allow ourselves the proper time and space to grieve, maybe because we don’t feel supported in the workplace and no one speaks of these types of things openly. But there are so many women who have gone through this who likely would have preferred time off but felt they weren’t entitled to it.

I hope you give yourself space to grieve and find support to help you during this time.

 

[veritas1961]

@leggomymeggo I'm so sorry you didn't have the time off for your procedure and went through an awful year. I really hope you are in a better emotional place now. It's frustrating that so few people speak about miscarriage openly in real life. It's like it's supposed to be done in private so no one else has to be made uncomfortable by an emotional woman.

 

[ofglory]

@veritas1961 I dont think theres any expectation to be at work. I was signed off for two weeks with the D&C being in the second week and told i could have longer if needed from my doctor.

Take time off. We took walks each day and having the two weeks to process it. Regarding pain for me that wore off very quickly, but the actual day was quite bad. I took home office the first day back but im only 50%. Id definitely need longer if i saw people.

 

[veritas1961]

@ofglory Thank you for the validation. I did end up taking more time and I know it was the right choice.

 

[taramed71]

@veritas1961 I am sorry! This is really hard. I had a surgery for my ectopic pregnancy and they didn't give me any pain medication at all and it was terrible. I think the emotional trauma was the worst. My doctor did give me 8 days off with a sick note, but it was so so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry anyone has to go through this.

 

[veritas1961]

@taramed71 I am so sorry, I cannot imagine no pain medicine! I was surprised the day of when my doctors sent me home with so much, but I really only expected some period-like pains (which has definitely not been the case).

 

[dsal]

@veritas1961 I WFH and definitely was not fit for public after mine. I was randomly crying during meetings, just lying down a lot, and feeling rotten. Please try to take the extra time

 

[newilya]

@veritas1961 I’m so sorry for your loss and I don’t believe I’d want to be around that coworker either. What a terribly inappropriate way to respond to the news you shared!

Are you able to take more time off? I think it’s 100% valid to do so. Let your boss know that the procedure was harder than you initially thought it would be (no need to give details here, you don’t owe anyone any explanations) and you aren’t sure you can be back on Thursday.

 

[brotherkb]

@veritas1961 I’m so sorry. If you can take the extra time, I would. I took a week off and wished I took 2. My first day back at work I cried on the way there, I cried in the supply closet ( I’m a nurse ). Be gentle with yourself and don’t feel bad for taking the time.

 

[noahama]

@veritas1961 I'd take more time off that you think you need. A lot of people who miscarry try to go back too soon and regret it.

 

[will009]

@veritas1961 I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

[ihaveahope]

@veritas1961 You are not failing. Do not feel bad or guilty. It's ridiculous women are made to feel bad not taking time off after this. I had a D and C for a MMC at 13 weeks and took off the day of surgery and the next day only, I regret it (I also work with the public and difficult people) don't do what I did! I did not function well for the week after. It is normal to be this way.

 

[jcscribbler]

@veritas1961 Sending you so much love. What you’re going through is INCREDIBLY hard and incredibly painful and don’t ever let anyone minimise your grief.

It’s honestly ridiculous that we should be expected to just “get on with it” when we’re going through absolutely devastating emotional suffering. I was back at work a week after my miscarriage and even a week wasn’t enough for me. It was honestly surreal and incredibly isolating. It felt so strange to be going through so much in my internal world but to feel like work just didn’t care, like my suffering didn’t matter because no one really knew about it?? It’s so much harder when you work with people in a social capacity.

Workplaces honestly need to do better but most places aren’t there yet.

Honestly, take ALL the time you can. xxx

 

[veritas1961]

@jcscribbler Thank you, I ended up taking a full week and I hope I'm in better shape by then. And I appreciate your response. I really thought I'd feel more relief to finally be done with it. To let it go, move on, and try again when my cycle comes back. But wow, that has not been the case. I cannot even fathom leaving my house for at least another few days, I'm basically just grief hibernating.