Going 0-to-1 vs Going 1-to-2

[tobyw]

I'm trying to decide if I want to have a second child or not. My husband definitely wants as many as I'm willing have.

Going from no kids to having one was a huge change for us. Annual trips we used to take, we can't do any more. I have no down time to myself in the evenings. Division of labor isn't very even, so I do the majority of the work.

For parents of multiple children, has the switch from 1 to 2 been different than going from 0 to 1? is it easier? More difficult? What surprised you? (please include age gaps for reference)

 

[qbanmom7070]

@tobyw What I heard once and it's very true in my experience: the first is an existential crisis, the second is just logistics. Going one to two was so much easier than zero to one for me. Mine are 3 1/2 years apart.

My second is soooo much easier but I attribute some of that to him being a naturally easy going baby. My first kid is high strung AF and it took me three years to decide to have another. We got lucky with this one. My 4yr old (almost 5 now) still cries more than the 1yr old

It is hard at first. You have to develop a new routine for handling two kids but once you do it's easy.

The most amazing thing is that they occupy each other. Especially now that the younger one is mobile. Hands down worth the effort for that alone as I don't like playing kids games much They are also easier to corral because the baby wants to do everything his brother does-eat, bath, get shoes on, etc. Their larger age gap also means my oldest is more helpful with tasks and largely independent, to a point ofc. I have no experience with two very young kids at once and never want to. This way is much better.

I also think it's good for my oldest to see that he's not the center of the world.

 

[hammertime33]

@qbanmom7070 What if my first is a unicorn and I'm scared the second will put us through the wringer?

 

[qbanmom7070]

@hammertime33 All I can say is it DOES get better lol but you will have the experience of being a parent the second time around so maybe that will help you.

 

[blever]

@hammertime33 My first (and only) is a bit of a unicorn and this is one of the reasons I’m tempted by one and some. Surely the second one will be a terror by comparison.

 

[fldad]

@hammertime33 I know your post is 2 months old, but chiming in late to say this was my fear as well. My first was a unicorn sleeper and a chill little guy who rarely cried. What finally soothed my anxiety was looking around at all my new-parent friends and observing that they ALL loved their kids, even the difficult colicky ones, and they wouldn't have traded their own child for anyone else's, even if they envied other people's getting more sleep.

 

[hammertime33]

@fldad Oh, I'm not worried I wouldn't love them, just that my life would be so much more miserable lol

 

[fldad]

@hammertime33 Haha, somehow I guess that still what I mean? Even the parents with the harder kids I know mostly dont feel like their lives are (more) miserable (unless they’re struggling with depression or a truly unusually high needs kid). Their lives are their lives, and even venting about the hard stuff, I don’t know anyone who seems to have been made much more miserable, certainly not permanently or in the long run. I’m sure it happens, but it doesn’t seem like the norm… I don’t know if that helps you, but it made me feel better.

 

[manishk012]

@qbanmom7070 Thanks so much for this. My daughter will be 4 when my second is born in January.

 

[irishfarmer]

@qbanmom7070 My daughter turns 2 in Jan and we've been talking about a 3.5-4 year age gap so I love to hear this. Thank you!

 

[manishk012]

@qbanmom7070 Thanks so much for this. My daughter will be 4 when my second is born in January.

 

[jazzyd777]

@qbanmom7070 Agree with everything here! Mine are 4 years apart

 

[christopher11]

@qbanmom7070 Lol my only baby (3 months) is a sprited baby, I wonder if I have a second if they would be easy...I cannot imagine 2 of the same.

 

[trinityeze]

@tobyw Not quite exactly an answer to your question, but…. If there is already unequal division of labor, it won’t magically get better with a second. If you already feel like you don’t have enough time for yourself, that isn’t going to suddenly resolve itself when you have a second. Also, it’s ok if you don’t want to have a second. My husband would also want a ton if he didn’t have to grow them and raise them!

 

[jennifers60]

@tobyw I have 5 under 6 - they’re currently 5.5, 4.5, 3, 2 and 9 months - and for me, going from 0 to 1 was the hardest adjustment and then going from 2 to 3 was second hardest.

From 1 to 2 was a breeze for me, my eldest two are 12months and 5 days apart, but my eldest was walking and pretty independent by her first birthday. So having a newborn around wasn’t that hard, I was still having to do nappies and bottles (but my eldest could hold her bottle so she’d just snuggle up next to me while I fed the baby), still had night waking etc but at least I felt more confident in what I was doing and the newborn just slotted into the routine.

Going from 2 to 3 was only harder because I legit had more kids than hands and had to figure that out but by the time #4 and #5 came I was an old hat.

As for the other stuff, that’s a conversation for your husband. It’s all well and good for him to want as many as you’re “willing” to have but you need better support. He needs to step up on the division of labour around the house and with the kids and he needs to allow you the downtime to recharge. Annual trips come back into the mix eventually but maybe look into doing little local ones if you can? We haven’t done any travelling since just after #3 was born but she was an Oct 2019 baby so she was barely 5mths old when covid went and fucked it all up for the world. Prior to that we’d taken little trips down the coast (3-5hrs drive away) in the warmer months where the kids could enjoy some beach time and visit relatives but it’s a far cry from any kind of proper holiday and I dare say we’ll be waiting another few years until we even attempt anything bigger.

It’s not forever though.

 

[qbanmom7070]

@jennifers60 You are a trooper

 

[jennifers60]

@qbanmom7070 Thank you. I always have devils advocate in my head telling me that “you chose this, don’t complain” so I keep my shit to myself mostly haha

 

[qbanmom7070]

@jennifers60 My mom had five kids. Im the oldest, so I saw how it was. I still don't know how she did it. But it's good for your kids to see that something is hard for you, you voice it in normal and healthy ways, and then persist through it, I think anyway.

 

[jennifers60]

@qbanmom7070 Again, thank you lol, some days are hard and long and I’m just here hoping that they’ll be okay in the long run

 

[grave]

@tobyw I have a 4 year old and an almost 4 month old.

0-1 was easy for me; during pregnancy I had already given up doing most of the stuff that kept me busy ore-pregnancy (mainly roller derby and going to bars). When she was born I felt chill about everything because I told myself my only job was taking care of her and everything else was secondary.

1-2 has been harder, but I also haven’t been doing it for very long. The 4 y/o is in day care or I don’t know how I’d survive every day. When she is home, I can’t just focus on the baby the way I could the first time, because the 4 y/o also needs my attention. With the first one, I could wait until she went to bed to cook and eat dinner; now she needs to eat too and get to bed by a reasonable hour, so dinner has to be on the table by 6 every night, at the latest. So that’s time that I’m not spending with either kid. There is definitely more screen time (for the older kid) than I’d prefer.

All this being said, I’m starting to get used to it and have no regrets!