@tobyw 1 -> 2 was easier for us. The time was already carved out of our lives. The baby was so much easier when I knew what to expect. I wasn’t anxious about leaving the house and didn’t hesitate to do chores with the baby (e.g. loading a dishwasher with the baby in one arm).
What was unanticipated was that the toddler (2y9m age gap) was getting harder to handle with age. I heard a lot about terrible twos and thought we were through the worst of it, but he only got more stubborn and harder to take out in public. This is disappointing because I thought that with language development and age, my toddler would be able to, well, do what I tell him to do. Like “use the potty because it’s almost time to go to school” or “please get dressed” or “stay close at the park.” No — everything is twice the struggle that it was a year ago. He knows I can’t always give the consequences I should or chase after him when I’m trying to keep his sister alive without my husband’s help. He seems to love making me angry, and that isn’t hard due to my sleep deprivation from still waking up 3x/night to nurse. To be honest, this power struggle makes it really hard to enjoy my time with the toddler. It’s unclear that it has anything to do with the baby, but I didn’t “factor it in.” Lots of people say that kids get better by age 4. Another thing about this age gap is that it meant I either had to potty train while pregnant (started in first trimester — still going >1.5 years later) or with an infant, and those are not great options.
@jakbo3333 Thanks for this. I am in the same dilemma as the person who posted and this made me realize that I need to wait and see how my toddler is at 4 before making a final decision about having another. We are now at 3.5 and i am in hell. Been trying to potty train for 1.5+ years as well and it almost feels like it's just getting worse.
@tobyw I think I’m the rare person who 1-2 was HARD and 0-1 wasn’t that bad. Mine are 23 months apart (currently almost 2 and 4) and I just really struggled going back to the newborn phase of feeding the baby all day and all the naps, etc. at first. After I got the swing of things though, it wasn’t so bad!
@james84 I’m surprised by these comments. I always hear from parents that having 2 is exponentially harder (not just twice as hard). I’ve taken that to heart big time.
@tobyw 0 to 1 was challenging but extremely manageable, 1 to 2 was hard as hell at first. Now it’s challenging but extremely manageable again. Really you just have to get used to it and you’ll be just fine.
@tobyw I’m only 2 weeks into 2 under 2, first is 19 months. I would for sure say 0-1 felt harder than 1-2. This time around I have the experience and feel a lot more confident and a lot less anxious about everything. With my first I couldn’t sleep because I was so paranoid about watching her breathe. I didn’t understand breastfeeding. I stressed hard about naps and was terrified of leaving the house. Now with second kid I’m not taking things so seriously and I know that all the newborn struggles are a passing phase.
@tobyw I think your bigger problem is that most of the labour is falling on you. If your partner wants more he needs to help more, regardless on going from 0 to 1 or 1 to 2 it will be hard with no help
My children are 7years and 7months while it's a lot of work still and there is less down time then there was with my first. 1 to2 is definitely been easier for me, my eldest will watch my youngest while I go to the toilet sometimes or entertain her while I'm getting food ready.
And I love watching them interact together, it's so lovely
@tobyw Mine are 27 months apart. I was surprised that handling 2 vs 1 was way easier than I expected (probably only adds like 25% difficulty), however the cost of 2 vs 1 is much harder the handle than expected. Paying for daycare is now almost my whole paycheck
@4jesusl0ver2 We’re at $1500/ month for one. After health insurance and 15% in retirement, I’m spending more than half my check on daycare for a TODDLER — infant would be way more. We didn’t do infant care because my dad was a SAHP. I’m always shocked to see people with 2+ kids when both parents work. I know what that costs now
@jumping13 Yeah it’s so hard! Mine only go 3x a week but it’s still our biggest expense-even more than our mortgage payment! There’s no way we could afford to have 3 kids!
@4jesusl0ver2 Exactly why we think we’re OAD - things have exploded in cost this year and we’re paying more for daycare than our mortgage. I don’t know how we could do a second one, but I also really don’t want to give up a job I like to stay home.
I don’t see things getting magically cheaper anytime soon so
@tobyw 27 month age gap and 1-2 was so much easier for us. Like others have said, having already gone through the major life upheaval that is parenthood can’t be understated. I’m more confident and relaxed the second time around (coincidentally, or perhaps not, my first is more high strung, second more chill). The mental load is less in some ways too as my instincts are sharper and I don’t have to spend the same level of mental energy on finding the brands, products, solutions, etc for our family because I’ve put in that work already. While I suspect every age gap has its pros and cons, I have enjoyed this closer range and it’s so heartwarming to see them laugh and play together. It’s more work (and noise, and money, and logistics) for sure, but our second has brought more joy and balance to our family than I could have ever imagined.
Edit to add: Division of labor improved noticeably for us once #2 arrived but the majority still falls on me. I’ve had to set boundaries to ensure I’m getting enough recovery and time to myself. When I don’t, I can easily become frustrated and resentful.
@tobyw We had the same thoughts after our first, not so relaxed child. But in the end opted for the second. O boy where we wrong: It was 1->3. So it was and is quite the hickup. Just a reminder...
@tobyw Going from 0-1 rocked my world. Going from 1-2 was a much easier once we got past the newborn part. You just sorta fit two into your daily schedule. I will say I’m more tired now though. Mine are both still very young, so I know it will get easier once they get older.
@tobyw Pregnant with #2 after agonizing over it, and from what I have read from many many discussions, it seems like if 0-1 was really hard then 1-2 has to be a little easier. Usually the ones who say 1-2 was hell had an easy time with 0-1. I similarly thought 0-1 was SO hard. I just had no idea how much of a life adjustment it would be. I did nanny for a friend for a while and I didn't feel like it was twice the work, because my son already needed supervision at all times so I was already in parent mode. I'm sure it'll still be hard, but at least we know something about babies.
Mine are 23 months apart (currently almost 2 and 4) and I just really struggled going back to the newborn phase of feeding the baby all day and all the naps, etc. at first. After I got the swing of things though, it wasn’t so bad!
