Found out I’m pregnant but boyfriend doesn’t want the baby

J

jollylight

New member
Me and my partner are both almost 23 and been together for abit over a year.. although I have been good friends with him for 7 years. I recently found out I was pregnant (and yes we used a condom) and I had used 4 tests (3 came up with a faint double line and a was digital that said pregnant) when I told him and showed him the digital he proceeded to tell me he’s not ready to be a father and he’s sorry. He has repeated this and I told him we can get through this and asked him what if I can’t go through with terminating it he still can only say he can’t be a father right now for atleast 3 years because he’s not ready right now and he can’t think of anything else to do except for abortion and he’s sorry to ‘force it on me’ and he doesn’t want to lose me.

I am so lost on what to do.. I feel so alone and he’s not open to any other options. I don’t want to terminate the baby but I also don’t want to lose him as he’s also my bestfriend n I do love him. I feel like if I get an abortion I will resent him and distance myself and I don’t think I could forgive myself. But if I don’t get one I feel like he will resent me and the baby and I’ll lose him n he won’t forgive me.

just need advice..
 
@jollylight Don't let anyone force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you want the baby keep it. He may leave and that will sting but in the long run it'll be better for you and the baby. In the end you can get over a break up better than you can get over being forced to get an abortion. Make the choice that won't have you hating yourself for the rest of your life.
 
@jollylight Not in the slightest. He knew there are risks and consequences but he did the thing anyway. This is on both of you and if he doesn't want to be a dad then tell him he can just call himself a sperm donor. He gave a donation because a person he cares about wanted a baby and he gave that to her. He doesn't have to play dad at all. If he wants to go that way make sure his name isn't on the birth certificate though. Being a dad is about so much more than giving sperm to create a baby. Your not trying to force him to do any of that, so you're not forcing him to be a dad. He chose to donate his sperm and that's it.
 
@jollylight He chose fatherhood when he did the deed with you. Idk why people don't understand that and if he had cared about you he would have understood the effects on you for choosing abortion. Abortion is not 'convenient' unless you have no feelings or are mentally ill to begin with.
 
@jollylight Not ready to be a father but did the deed that makes babies? It is always a possibility. He is a father right now, at least in a biological sense.

I suppose to solve the issues you list about resentment, the solution is to give the baby up for adoption, but it sounds like you're ready to raise the child.

Remember, men come and go, but your kids will always love and respect their mother. You got this!
 
@jollylight Going through this now don’t abort I’m feeling the force from my bf too and all the stress may be causing a miscarriage don’t do anything for a man because they always leave in the end
 
@jollylight Ready to have sex yet not ready to be a father .. tell him to stop having sex then. His not readiness doesn’t dictate what happens, do what you can live with for you, relationship is over from his reaction alone
 
@jollylight If your in it long term finding out unexpected news should always be; a wow ok what do we do / with you fir your decision. not a ahhhhh I’m not ready abort or I’m out .. means he’s not in it any way. I had a similar situation but I was 30, knew I was wasting time with him (miscarried anyway but but the point)
 
@jollylight Hi! If you know in your heart you want this baby, please don’t terminate. you’ll only resent him and yourself. I’m 20 and pregnant with our second, and i have absolutely zero regrets. if he doesn’t want to be a dad, that’s on him. You got this. feel free to message me
 
@jollylight I really struggle with women getting to choose they don’t want a baby and the father has no say but if a father decides he’s not ready to parent, he also doesn’t get a say. 💔
 
@jollylight I think the key thing I take away from your post is that you don't want to terminate the baby. The process of abortion isn't an easy one physically, mentally or even for some, financially. The pill makes people second guess whether they're dying and the surgery also can feel horrendous. 1. There are other options versus termination (all different shades of trauma for the child and parent as adoption isn't easy either nor is a child being raised by a single parent). 2. You aren't forcing him to do anything. There are plenty of dead beat parents out there and he may just not want to deal with feeling like he's a dead beat, and the pressure of parenthood can suck. 3. DO NOT sign anything letting him out of child support unless he also signs away his parental rights (not intended as legal advice) and vice versa, he doesn't have to sign/be on the birth certificate and the child can have your last name (I would find a family law attorney and just get a free legal consult if it really worries you).

Support is huge when deciding to bring a child in the world, and we now live in a world where we can't just say, oh we didn't know. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my first with my husband and until we decided to try, I was adamantly against having children because of the responsibility I feel I have towards any life I bring into this world. With that being said, I'm still terrified about raising a child in today's world, and doing right by them unlike how our parents may have done for us (due to lack of education/socio-economic issues, whatever the reasons for our individual fucked uppedness is). You have a huge weight on your shoulders as you decide something that only you will feel the consequences of (physically/mentally/chemically). If he is going to leave, might as well be for a good reason, and if this is the reason, it'll be hard for you and the child but not impossible. Good luck and I hope he grows with you and not apart from you.
 
@jollylight Keep your baby, especially if it’s what YOU want. Also you can’t make him be ready to be a father either. As long you have a strong support system and a willing mindset you will be just fine. It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it
 
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