Throwaway account because I have family members whom I have not told. I have a 9 month old daughter and found out a few weeks ago I am expecting again. This is an unplanned pregnancy and I am considering terminating. We knew right away when our daughter was born that we wanted 2 children, but we did not plan on this timeframe. We have financial concerns as well as worries that we would be betraying our daughter by adding another baby into the mix before she has a chance to finish being a baby herself. The pandemic has hit us hard in terms of finances and we both lost our jobs. I grew up in poverty and do not want my child/children to experience the same. Part of me does feel like having this baby would be doable and we could make it work. But the other part of me worries having this baby would take away from both children. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Stories of children with small age gaps, advice on why or why not in this situation you would keep/abort, commiseration? I don’t know.
Found out I’m pregnant again
- Thread starter cesar07
- Start date
@cesar07 Hi mama. No real advice here, but support in any decision you make. FWIW my husband and I have a 9mo and we had a scare maybe 2 months ago. We decided before even taking the test that we would terminate. We just are not ready, and it’s ok to be not ready now (or ever) and make that decision out of love for the family you DO have now. 
@cesar07 Hi all, I am OP (with yet another throwaway). I so appreciate the opportunity to come here to share my concerns/fears and just be able to vent. Thank you to everyone who took time out of their life to comment on this post.
I’d like to add some more relevant information and hopefully get some more feedback. My heart wants to keep this baby badly. I find myself romanticizing a future where I keep this baby. If it were not for money concerns I would not even be questioning whether or not to terminate this pregnancy.
My first pregnancy was not easy. I suffered a lot from the typical aches and pains that come along with growing another human and often told myself I did not want to be pregnant again. At 36 weeks my blood pressure started to spike and at 37 weeks I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and induced. Labor and delivery was an overall positive experience for me. I worry about hypertension and preeclampsia with this pregnancy as I’ve heard the risk is higher with subsequent children once you have already had it.
I am also a full time student (I am able to complete my degree fully online). I think I would have to take a semester off from school if I had another baby now. I realize in the long term that’s not a huge deal but I still worry about my education.
As far as financial concerns go, I do believe I qualify for several types of social programs that would lessen the burden cost-wise. I have saved all the clothes/toys that my daughter has outgrown and did buy everything gender neutral for the sole purpose of being able to reuse for next baby. I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my potential second baby might not get to drink the expensive organic formula my daughter had (I stopped breastfeeding at 4 months and am happy with that decision) and will probably be on a WIC covered formula. That my second baby will not get all brand new clothes/toys like my daughter. That both my children will be condemned to a life of struggling to get by. Growing up poor really took a toll on me. My childhood was very dysfunctional and traumatic in other ways, though, and I wonder if that affected me more than just being poor did. If that makes sense.
I feel like I am not allowed to keep this baby because logistically and pragmatically speaking, the more responsible choice seems like terminating. My husband says he will support whatever choice I make but it almost feels like I don’t really have a choice. My heart goes out to every person who has been in a similar situation, whether they made the decision to abort or chose to parent.
Thank you all for listening. It is cathartic for me to be able to vent to you kind strangers. This will probably be the last time I post here under a pseudonym but I will definitely be coming back to read any feedback you folks want to give me!
I’d like to add some more relevant information and hopefully get some more feedback. My heart wants to keep this baby badly. I find myself romanticizing a future where I keep this baby. If it were not for money concerns I would not even be questioning whether or not to terminate this pregnancy.
My first pregnancy was not easy. I suffered a lot from the typical aches and pains that come along with growing another human and often told myself I did not want to be pregnant again. At 36 weeks my blood pressure started to spike and at 37 weeks I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and induced. Labor and delivery was an overall positive experience for me. I worry about hypertension and preeclampsia with this pregnancy as I’ve heard the risk is higher with subsequent children once you have already had it.
I am also a full time student (I am able to complete my degree fully online). I think I would have to take a semester off from school if I had another baby now. I realize in the long term that’s not a huge deal but I still worry about my education.
As far as financial concerns go, I do believe I qualify for several types of social programs that would lessen the burden cost-wise. I have saved all the clothes/toys that my daughter has outgrown and did buy everything gender neutral for the sole purpose of being able to reuse for next baby. I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my potential second baby might not get to drink the expensive organic formula my daughter had (I stopped breastfeeding at 4 months and am happy with that decision) and will probably be on a WIC covered formula. That my second baby will not get all brand new clothes/toys like my daughter. That both my children will be condemned to a life of struggling to get by. Growing up poor really took a toll on me. My childhood was very dysfunctional and traumatic in other ways, though, and I wonder if that affected me more than just being poor did. If that makes sense.
I feel like I am not allowed to keep this baby because logistically and pragmatically speaking, the more responsible choice seems like terminating. My husband says he will support whatever choice I make but it almost feels like I don’t really have a choice. My heart goes out to every person who has been in a similar situation, whether they made the decision to abort or chose to parent.
Thank you all for listening. It is cathartic for me to be able to vent to you kind strangers. This will probably be the last time I post here under a pseudonym but I will definitely be coming back to read any feedback you folks want to give me!
fineagain73
New member
@leon48 I also grew up poor (and not quite solidly middle class now, but we are frugal and comfortable). And my take is mostly.. *I* didn't care about hand-me-downs, etc when I was young. The real crux is when kids get into the social fray; for most that would be kindergarten. I was homeschooled, so for me it was moreso when I had more extra-curriculars, more birthday parties and get togethers from that etc. (8-9) Kids learn they're poor from watching other people and from how other people treat them. I remember being so flustered at other kids recounting their laundry list of Christmas gifts and stuff like that. So, if you feel strongly about this, maybe the question to ask is when your kids are that age, do you see yourself being in a better earning position? Would that earning position make up for the loss of social services with enough left over to provide for the kids comfortably? Do you have friends or family who could offer cheaper child care so you could "catch up" on fiscal concerns like college savings, retirement, etc without losing whatever excess you're now earning? Will you be able to afford gifts to bring to their friends's birthdays when they are that age?
For us we are blessed with family who are generous with the kids at the holidays. For the cousins, we draw names for gift giving so we're only responsible for 1-2 other kids. I'm very frugal; I buy new clothes end-of-year clearance 1-2 years ahead. We are active in our neighborhood buy nothing/repurposing groups so we frequently get to cycle through toys and books. I sew, so I can repurpose old or thrifted clothes into new outfits. And I do my best to raise my kids with the principle of low consumption overall; consumerism and waste is nothing to praise etc. Reusing and recycling is ethical.
For us we are blessed with family who are generous with the kids at the holidays. For the cousins, we draw names for gift giving so we're only responsible for 1-2 other kids. I'm very frugal; I buy new clothes end-of-year clearance 1-2 years ahead. We are active in our neighborhood buy nothing/repurposing groups so we frequently get to cycle through toys and books. I sew, so I can repurpose old or thrifted clothes into new outfits. And I do my best to raise my kids with the principle of low consumption overall; consumerism and waste is nothing to praise etc. Reusing and recycling is ethical.
@cesar07 I also have a 9 month old as well and my heart goes out to you for having to make this choice! For what it’s worth, my sister and I are 18 months apart. It was a great gap in school but allowed us to be playmates and then friends. Always had someone to make up a dance with or ride our bikes to get ice cream. I always thought I wanted the same spacing between my own kids but my body isn’t ready to be pregnant again. As the oldest, I never felt any resentment and would recommend the experience.
@cesar07 i think whatever choice you make in the end will be the right one for you, give yourself some time to go deep. raising children is hard even with the means, but we all learn this stuff is do-able. i’m a mom of (soon to be) 2, but i’ve also terminated a pregnancy and am grateful to that choice so honestly, i have been in your shoes and will be keeping you in my thoughts. don’t let anyone make you feel like shit for your worries, thanks for posting here and venting 
katrina2017
New member
@cesar07 My last two are 19 months apart.
Honestly, they’re so much fun. It’s adorable to watch them together. They improve each other, and are companions. A lot of my aunts either had twins or Irish twins, and it’s the same.
The biggest money issues would be childcare, because the clothes go from one kid right to the other. If you aren’t working, then that isn’t an issue.
If you’re set on termination, that’s okay, but from a mom with a small age gap and when they were born, 3 under 4... it has been interesting. The 1 to 2 kid thing is a challenge, though, at any age
I didn’t grow up the richest (we got better when I became a teen, but my mom was very young when she had me), and I get it.
Honestly, they’re so much fun. It’s adorable to watch them together. They improve each other, and are companions. A lot of my aunts either had twins or Irish twins, and it’s the same.
The biggest money issues would be childcare, because the clothes go from one kid right to the other. If you aren’t working, then that isn’t an issue.
If you’re set on termination, that’s okay, but from a mom with a small age gap and when they were born, 3 under 4... it has been interesting. The 1 to 2 kid thing is a challenge, though, at any age
I didn’t grow up the richest (we got better when I became a teen, but my mom was very young when she had me), and I get it.
@cesar07 There is no right or wrong answer here. Whatever you decide is the right choice for you guys at this time. If you choose to terminate you can still conceive at a later time. A majority of abortions are from people who already have a child or children and are not in a place in their lives when they can have another. That doesn't mean they can't have another at a later stage.
Similarly, if you choose to keep it, things may not be as difficult as you're imagining financially. A lot of it depends on where you're living and what expenses you are expecting. Can you share some more info about this? What are the main short term expenses (lack of income, needing to get a second pram or car seat etc) and long term expenses (childcare, house size, 2 mouths to feed etc). Could you afford these things that you need? What are the chances you and/or your husband will be able to find work within the next 9 months? What happens if you don't? Do you have family around to help you look after the kids, cook some meals, etc?
I have a friend who has an 18 month old and a young baby. The main issue is that the oldest child is still at an age that he needs someone all the time. If you take your eyes off him for 2 minutes he'll be getting into all the drawers and cupboards. You need to watch him around the baby very carefully because he tries to hit and throw things. He isn't old enough to understand instructions or do anything for himself. He yells and bangs things when the baby is trying to nap. They don't have enough bedrooms in the house so everyone is sharing and waking each other up. It looks really really hard. BUT I also have another friend whose kids are a similar age gap but they're now 4 and 5 years old and it looks really awesome. The boys get along really well, do all the same things- for the mum it's basically just lugging 2 kids around to the same activities and things she'd be doing with #1 anyway.
The one thing I wouldn't worry too much about is your second point about somehow taking away from your first child. Whenever it is that you have a second, you'll be taking time away from your first child, but she'll also be gaining something. It doesn't matter whether she's 18 months, 3 years, 9 years etc. It will always be an adjustment. At 18 months she'll be very different to now at 9 months- much less like a baby, more like a toddler. Of course that comes with all its own challenges- she'll be mobile, clumsy, emotional, wilful, saying a few words. It's a fun age. But I personally would find it very hard dealing with a newborn and an 18 month old at the same time. But it also means you get it all out of the way quickly and they'll be close in age growing up. In some ways things would be easier down the track when you have 2 kids close in age- they will be interested in doing the same activities, they may play together very well and be the best of friends! They can even play with each others' friends.
At the same time, you could always always terminate this pregnancy and try again in a couple of years. Absolutely nothing to stop you doing that instead, and your child still gets all the benefits of a sibling without you struggling with the close age gap.
What does your heart say?
Similarly, if you choose to keep it, things may not be as difficult as you're imagining financially. A lot of it depends on where you're living and what expenses you are expecting. Can you share some more info about this? What are the main short term expenses (lack of income, needing to get a second pram or car seat etc) and long term expenses (childcare, house size, 2 mouths to feed etc). Could you afford these things that you need? What are the chances you and/or your husband will be able to find work within the next 9 months? What happens if you don't? Do you have family around to help you look after the kids, cook some meals, etc?
I have a friend who has an 18 month old and a young baby. The main issue is that the oldest child is still at an age that he needs someone all the time. If you take your eyes off him for 2 minutes he'll be getting into all the drawers and cupboards. You need to watch him around the baby very carefully because he tries to hit and throw things. He isn't old enough to understand instructions or do anything for himself. He yells and bangs things when the baby is trying to nap. They don't have enough bedrooms in the house so everyone is sharing and waking each other up. It looks really really hard. BUT I also have another friend whose kids are a similar age gap but they're now 4 and 5 years old and it looks really awesome. The boys get along really well, do all the same things- for the mum it's basically just lugging 2 kids around to the same activities and things she'd be doing with #1 anyway.
The one thing I wouldn't worry too much about is your second point about somehow taking away from your first child. Whenever it is that you have a second, you'll be taking time away from your first child, but she'll also be gaining something. It doesn't matter whether she's 18 months, 3 years, 9 years etc. It will always be an adjustment. At 18 months she'll be very different to now at 9 months- much less like a baby, more like a toddler. Of course that comes with all its own challenges- she'll be mobile, clumsy, emotional, wilful, saying a few words. It's a fun age. But I personally would find it very hard dealing with a newborn and an 18 month old at the same time. But it also means you get it all out of the way quickly and they'll be close in age growing up. In some ways things would be easier down the track when you have 2 kids close in age- they will be interested in doing the same activities, they may play together very well and be the best of friends! They can even play with each others' friends.
At the same time, you could always always terminate this pregnancy and try again in a couple of years. Absolutely nothing to stop you doing that instead, and your child still gets all the benefits of a sibling without you struggling with the close age gap.
What does your heart say?
bluesky2023
New member
@cesar07 I have no advice. I was pregnant when my son was 7 months I cried every day because I didn’t know how I’d do it I was so hormonal. Not even a week after I found out I miscarried. I was sad but not overly upset. Now pregnant with baby #2 (13 weeks) he is 1 and a half. He’ll be 2 when this baby’s born and I’m much happier with this gap as he’s able to communicate a lot more and tries to help.
It’s entirely up to you what you decide whatever decision you make will be the right one.
It’s entirely up to you what you decide whatever decision you make will be the right one.
bdaroowala
New member
@cesar07 You can always make more money. You will always find the money somewhere to provide for your children. I say, Congratulations! You're a Mom of two!
But to address your issues, yes it will be challenging. I had Irish twins and it was so very hard in the beginning. They are the best of friends and my oldest adjusted to being an older sibling so well. She was still just a baby herself, but she didn't know any better.
I bought a double stroller and I made it work. We went to the park and I strapped my infant on my person, and chased after the one year old. They would both take naps on me at the same time and I felt like I was the luckiest Mom in the world.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. You may think you have more time. You may think there is a better window or season in life to conceive. But, maybe not? I don't know. No one does.
Lastly, (AND I AM 100% PRO CHOICE), you may want to think about what the conversations will look like when someday your daughter talks about sex, conception, abortion, etc. I don't know what I would say or if I would tell the truth.
I'm rooting for you to keep this pregnancy because I think you want this baby, you're just stressed about money. Abortion is permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I understand and I do not judge you either way you decide. It's your body and your choice. Good luck and best wishes.
But to address your issues, yes it will be challenging. I had Irish twins and it was so very hard in the beginning. They are the best of friends and my oldest adjusted to being an older sibling so well. She was still just a baby herself, but she didn't know any better.
I bought a double stroller and I made it work. We went to the park and I strapped my infant on my person, and chased after the one year old. They would both take naps on me at the same time and I felt like I was the luckiest Mom in the world.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. You may think you have more time. You may think there is a better window or season in life to conceive. But, maybe not? I don't know. No one does.
Lastly, (AND I AM 100% PRO CHOICE), you may want to think about what the conversations will look like when someday your daughter talks about sex, conception, abortion, etc. I don't know what I would say or if I would tell the truth.
I'm rooting for you to keep this pregnancy because I think you want this baby, you're just stressed about money. Abortion is permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I understand and I do not judge you either way you decide. It's your body and your choice. Good luck and best wishes.
@bdaroowala Just because “you can always make more money” doesn’t mean you will be able to make more money. That statement is extremely privileged and not universally applicable. Financially strained parents can suffer from mental health issues which could further put folks at a financial loss.
@bdaroowala Just because you put the words “(AND I AM 100% PRO CHOICE)” in your post does not mean you are actually pro choice. This comment is shockingly judgmental and really not very supportive of a vulnerable mother.