Fiancé favors his oldest

[nart]

My fiancé (36M) and I (33F) have a blended family: J(10F), G(8M), L(5F), and JJ(5M). My kids (G&L) are from my marriage, and his kids (J&JJ) are from his marriage. It’s obvious to me that my fiancé favors his daughter J over all the other kids, and he has readily admitted this on several occasions. He holds the other kids to a much higher standard than his oldest, J. He likely favors his son, JJ over my two as well, but it’s most obvious with his daughter J. Today, I told him that no matter how he feels inside, he should not be showing it to the other kids, or they will feel like she’s his favorite and it will be bad for their mental health. I feel he should be treating them equally on the outside even if he feels that she’s his favorite on the inside. Has anyone else here dealt with this? I need advice on how to handle this situation... for example: she will raise her voice to him and he says nothing, while another child does and he lets them know it’s not okay. We’re also expecting a new baby of our own next year, so hoping to nip this in the bud now!

TL;DR: My fiancé just admitted that he favors his 10yo daughter over the other 3 children. Need help.

 

[shotmike]

@nart Keep track of the individual acts of favoritism and share them with him in private every time. Make it a big deal. Maybe note the other kids' reactions and share that with him too.

 

[katrina2017]

@nart I'm the eldest daughter and it is no doubt I'm the favorite of my dad. That said, he was strictest on me. Growing up, I had to tell him why he should take interest in his younger kids when I was still a child, myself. My siblings loathe me for the favoritism my father imparted to me and all this is amplified because my dad is a wealthy, powerful person. As an adult, I have been fearful to have more than one child because of this. At 33, nearing 34, I don't think I'll end up with another child and I feel this is probably healthy I don't, given my genetic inheritance.

 

[waitingprincess101]

@nart Couldn't agree more. But the fact that OP is pregnant is way more difficult. If you really love him i would try to make it work/ maybe even a ultimatum. Your kids should be first priority.

 

[nart]

@waitingprincess101 They definitely are! Always.

 

[confusedmanxx]

@nart It’s not right and he knows it. He shouldn’t be someone you want around your kids.

 

[ladyofthedogs]

@nart Mid 40s, least favourite kid here. I actively avoid my side of the family as much as possible. Especially so since my mum died and my dad openly favours my elder siblings - I'm guessing she tried to maintain a balance but it has been there all my life.

I would cut them off completely but I cannot face the drama it would cause right now. I have too much real-life, actual problems going on in my life to deal with the petty fall out it would bring.

That's the life your OH is facing. At best, an absent/aloof child. At worst, completely cut off.

 

[richie1027]

@nart Least favorite child here speaking up. It took decades... DECADES... of work to undo. I battled all sorts of PTSD and eating disorders, abusive relationships, you name it. Because I didn’t know my worth. Don’t do that to your kids.

 

[nart]

@richie1027 I’m the least favorite child too. He feels like HE was the least favorite of his 3 brothers, which is why I’m so surprised by his behavior. He said that he doesn’t feel like he shows his favoritism towards her, but like I said, I definitely notice it. I’m having a child with this man soon and just really want to help him realize what he’s doing and make it right for all of our kids.

 

[richie1027]

@nart If you are already pregnant, then there’s no going back. I don’t know, maybe therapy?

 

[katrina2017]

@nart He needs to be your ex-fiancé because this isn’t trivial. As you yourself are saying, this is bad for the kids’ mental health. Assuming he’s already felt this favoritism for years (possibly since his son was born), it could take him years to turn his behavior around. Childhood isn’t very long. Do you want your kids to have 3-5 years of being aware that they are the least favorites and comparing themselves to the oldest? Do you really believe he can change his ways? Or that he even wants to? I wouldn’t make that sacrifice or that gamble. Best of luck to you.