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elenchus

New member
Dear all,
I guess I don't really want advice, just sympathy. Husband and I have an absolutely wonderful 4yo boy. He is smart, empathetic, loving, and when he is not having toddler-esque tantrums, he is a joy to be around.

When we planned or talked about having kids, we always wanted two, that is, until we had the one.

Pregnancy was hard on me, I had severe gestational diabetes, had to inject insulin 4 times a day, had to monitor my blood sugar 6-7 times a day. It was not fun and in hinsight I believe I may have slidden into somewhat disordered behaviour (self diagnosed, so take that with a grain of salt).

I hated the baby phase. Husband was completely overwhelmed, and so was I. Around the 5 months mark, we sleep trained, giving us our sanity back. It got even better when I went back to work when he was 1 yo (I'm from Germany).

Turns out, I'm loving the whole raising a person thing, I'm just not fond of caring for an infant.

Lately, husband and I got to thinking and realised that we always envsioned a family of 4. While right now, I don't feel someone is missing, I really feel that this will be the case in a few years.

So, kind internet strangers. Am I being crazy to want another kid even though the baby and tantrum-y toddler phases are horrible?
 
@elenchus I have no advice to offer just letting you know you are not alone. I have a 2 year old daughter who I love more than anything. I’ve always pictured 2 kids but the newborn phase really did a number on me. I developed PPA and PPD. I struggled so much with the lack of sleep and night wakings. I was in a constant stare of anxiety and adrenaline and could not relax at all around my baby. All of that got much better 3-6 months in. I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy but the first trimester exhaustion was not fun, the peeing 15 times a night, not being able to sleep on my stomach, weight gain..all of it I just did not enjoy. Was it worth it? Of course. But I’m not someone who enjoys pregnancy. All in all I know in hindsight it’s a relatively short period of time but I’m truly terrified of going through it all again. Pregnancy with an active toddler? And toddler and a newborn? I’d love for my daughter to have a sibling. I don’t want to regret not having another down the line. If I look into the future I envision 2 kids at the dinner table and at Christmas time/other holidays. I never want to make decisions or live my life based in fear but I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.
 
@elenchus I don’t think that’s crazy at all, I think a lot of people are in the same boat. I love my daughter but waking up at night to feed her? I’m always like, “ok we can’t have any more.” Then during the day when she’s learning new things and I have help, I’m like, “ok one or two more for sure.” I think your feelings are a lot like that
 
@elenchus It’s not crazy, but my question to you is: do you want another child? Or are you clinging to the vision of how you think your family ought to look?

My husband and I though we would have 2-3 kids. After a difficult 3rd trimester, traumatic birth, and the baby and toddler years, we decided we were one and done. Yes we had to reconfigure what we though was our perfect family in our heads, but that didn’t end up being so hard. And I have never once felt here was a person missing in our family. Our son is almost 9 now, and we just are so happy with how things worked out.

I have many friends that had second children due to what they envisioned for themselves, and having to live through something they did not enjoy again was really tough for them.
 
@reporter94 I want another child, so does my husband. What sucked the most during the baby phase was that we were in it for the first time, and each new thing seemed terrifyingly permanent (you know, those witching hours, sleep problems etc.)

I just hope that this time around, we would be more experienced. This relates to baby stuff of course, but also to managing my GD and pregnancy.

Luckily, we don't have to decide right away. We'll see... Thanks a bunch for your input!
 
@elenchus I have those flip-flop feelings too, but they feel so cemented in the moment. When my 3 year old is melting down or refusing to eat, I feel like I can’t do this to myself again. But then when we’re having a more peaceful moment, I imagine him older and enjoying a younger sibling.

I had terrible nausea through my entire pregnancy and I was breastfeeding 24 hrs/day until 18 months when I finally broke down and sleep trained him. It was brutal and lonely and we do not have any family around.

Sometimes I think that if I could guarantee that my second child would eat and sleep a bit better than my wonderful son that I could manage it (barely). At least I would be less anxious because, hey, the first kid survived. But there are no guarantees. And so what kind of a parent will I be to him if I end up struggling with an even higher needs infant?

I don’t have any good advice. I just wanted to commiserate and say that, especially when you have had a really rough pregnancy and infancy, it can feel all that more ‘risky’ to roll the dice again.
 
@matel I can totally relate to that. My LO sleeps terribly and I still have to nurse every 2 to 3 hours at 9 months. If I were guaranteed an easy baby that sleeps well, I would actually consider a second one. But there will never be a guarantee and I'm not sure if I could do this again AND caring for a toddler.
 
@ellen14 YES, right? Although for me it would be caring for a 4 year old + newborn, but still.

[How do people have babies and then just immediately afterwards have another baby?!? Superheroes! I’m still struggling to get my mental cognition up to snuff again, never mind ‘getting my body back’. ]

But sometimes I also wonder if there would be benefits to having another, older kid around. I do remember feeling bored and anxious and neurotic during the whole 0-18 month phase. Maybe having more going on could prevent me from hyper-focusing on just the one kid. Maybe it would be good developmentally for my son to see himself as an older sibling. Maybe they can distract one another from screaming the entire 3+ hour car ride to the grandparents?

Likely wishful thinking, but maybe...
 
@elenchus I don't think you're crazy at all. I hated the newborn phase with my first baby. I didn't care for pregnancy either. My husband and I struggled with the decision for about a year. We eventually decided to go for it. My pregnancy with my second baby was rough, but I actually liked the newborn phase the second time. She wasn't as easy of a baby but I found everything much easier the second time. It's working out so well that we recently decided to try for a third!
 
@elenchus I feel the same. We’ve decided to just go for it. It’s going to be hard no matter what, and I would rather miss out on some toddler adventures because of a newborn than miss out on middle childhood adventures, which are the ones I’m most excited for. We’re aiming for a three year age gap and I hope we get it and can be done with the infant stage and move on to the fun stuff.
 
@elenchus I didn’t enjoy the newborn phase either - I started enjoying my son more and more once he got to 10 months onwards alongside the sleep training. I guess it’s the fear of knowing what to expect for the 2nd child that always kinda lingers in the back of our minds but at the same time, you’re better equipped with this knowledge now to plan for the second child: for example, if you had a hard time with breastfeeding, you could look to combo feed, you could look to sleep train as soon as possible around the 3 month mark etc. You could get frozen ready meals ready for the evenings etc. The newborn phase is just a short difficult temporary phase - but it passes. I guess that’s how I rationalise it myself when I think about having a second child. Good luck!
 
@irishkid777 Yeah, it is the kind of problem-solution approach we find ourselves in as well.

To simply know that it will be better and the baby will become a person will be helpful, I'm sure.

I am so thankful for this community. It helps so much to know that so many people are in the exact same boat.
 
@elenchus Same boat! Had gestational diabetes and had to check my sugar constantly and crazy diet. I think it’s okay to pick yourself and your family over a baby that doesn’t exist.
 
@elenchus Well, to live up to your username, you should have at least one other child :D
Do you have a strong support system? Or could you hire a nanny or a cleaning service?
Caring for infants can bei really hard, however, it is only a short time period after all when you generally like raising a child. It will be a lot more doable if there is help around espescially when having to care for another (even though older) child. For me, it seems like you would like to have another. You know the first years will be hard, but you're also more experienced in caring for infants so it might not feel so overwhelming in the second round.
 
@ellen14 Well, we got lucky enough to hire a cleaner (thank god for that woman) and while our parents live a few hours away, they are retired and very loving grandparents for our LO.
Childcare is great and I'm hoping to get a new job in our home town (fingers crossed!!). This will enable both my husband and me to be in walking distance from work, childcare and our house. Maternity leave is also no issue at all. I could stay home for a year (that's what I did last time around) but I guess I'd like to return to work a little sooner, giving my husband the opportunity to actually have a parental leave.

(My heart really goes out to all US moms out there, I don't how tf you do that...)

My biggest problems back than were from being overwhelmed and not being able to ask for help. I strongly believe that this would be different.
 
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