I feel this place will be supportive as I deal with a bit of hesitation as we approach trying again.
DH (35) and I (37) have one son, just over 2. He is an amazing kid, so inquisitive and cheeky and loving, but also extremely high energy with a bit of a death wish. Typical boy I suspect. (But even so, I see other parents at cafes with boys sitting quietly eating their meals while I stop him escaping to the car park or into the kitchen and wonder if they give their kids sedatives!).
I started feeling that I wanted another when LO was about 12 - 18 months old, but when I mentioned it to DH I would get shut down straight away. My reasons were that I loved having a little person to grow and nurture. Turns out he had PTSD from LO's birth. (Emergency c-section, LO had a tension pneumo had to be transferred, bit of blood loss - synto, ergo, carboprost, TXA, B-lynch - DH is non-medical, saw it all, and thought both I and LO were about to die). I don't have any noticeable trauma from the birth in so far as I was so dissociated from lack of sleep that I can remember it all but no emotions, positive or negative attached. (Prior to delivery I had a very easy pregnancy.....and if we get to #2, elective section all the way).
I insisted that DH get his PTSD treated and he did EMDR, and it worked really well. My argument was that we shouldn't make a decision from a place of fear. I stand by that decision - it needed treatment.
After the PTSD was treated, DH was still reluctant, mainly for lifestyle reasons and a slight sense of "how the hell do people keep 2 alive at the same time?". Then we were discussing it one day 2 months ago and and I said "it seems like the decision is already made" and he just switched! We are now all systems go to start trying soon. Now I'm the one feeling nervous!
So many complex emotions around this to unpack.
Environmental - a sense that maybe I am being too selfish having a second.
Money - not really an issue for us, although job might be for me. Although my current job pays about double what I would get not working FIFO.
Job - my job is FIFO and I am away 1 week in 4. (Plus 3 weeks of remote work at 0.5fte) I just don't know that this is possible with 2. I went back to FIFO when LO was 4 months old, lugging a portable freezer full of breastmilk across the desert on charter planes...I am immensely proud of what I achieved but with 2 I think it unrealistic. However to be honest right now my job is so stressful I really want to quit....and having a baby would be a culturally acceptable reason to quit....its just the reason I went back was in 8 months they had been unable to replace me. My equivalent position at another similar organisation has been unfilled for years. I have kind of irreplaceable institutional knowledge. I know I don't owe them (the organisation or the mob) anything, but it is an emotional conflict. Then there is the alternative jobs close to home (bit boring really) or retraining (back to registrar pay and conditions, working for the health dept who certainly aren't known for being flexible).
People I work with - such emotional conflict here. Where I work, pregnancy just sort of happens. No forethought, often DV, lots of drinking in pregnancy. Kids just don't get well looked after either (this is the kind of thing that is sort of not allowed to be talked about). So when I think "am I too selfish wanting another" then compare it to the people I see who want another even though child protection took all their previous kids away, it brings up a lot of conflicting feelings.
Keeping 2 alive at the same time.... this one I just have to trust that other people have clearly done it before, though they seem to not be willing to share how exactly.
Sleep - got to be honest, not looking forward to this.
Leave - fortunately DH can take parental leave, and goodness knows what I will be doing, but working remotely at the very most. So that is a very positive thing.
Breastfeeding - only weaned LO a month ago. Kind of enjoying having my body back.
Sex-life - currently suffering. Chances of #2 even happening now not very high!
Sickness - since LO went to daycare 9 months ago, we have been constantly sick. Its really wearing. (And one of the reasons for the sex-life issue). So what if LO brings all this stuff home and infects #2 when they are little and vulnerable? Daycare is good for LO socially, so we don't want to pull him out either.
Family - my mother has just spontaneously recovered from her most recent episode of depression. (After being bedbound for a year, she's like " I will take LO to kindygym" .....I don't think so). This is the thing I hate about being an only child - the sole responsibility for my aging parents, one of whom 1 year in 3 is completely non-functional. This time she stayed with her brother which was good, but he was threatening to dump her on my doorstep, so 3 months ago I did the momumentous job of cleaning her house up and moved her back home with services. And last time when I told her we were expecting she said "oh no". So it wouldn't surprise me if #2 sends her down the hole again. Although to be fair, she held up pretty well when LO was born, BUT she was our daycare when I went back FIFO and then she completely bailed on us, leaving us in the lurch. We will never trust her again in that regard.
I guess I am just looking for some support, now that DH is on board. I loved having a little baby around, I love LO as a toddler even if he is a bit trying sometimes, I feel that I have a lot to offer for another child. But I also have a lot on my plate so the stress is getting to me. (Plus I am doing a second masters now, but that finishes end of the yr). I know stress is bad for the pregnancy....but so is age....so delaying is not really advisable either! Quitting my job world massively reduce my stress....but leave a whole lot of people in the lurch.
Apologies for the novel....
DH (35) and I (37) have one son, just over 2. He is an amazing kid, so inquisitive and cheeky and loving, but also extremely high energy with a bit of a death wish. Typical boy I suspect. (But even so, I see other parents at cafes with boys sitting quietly eating their meals while I stop him escaping to the car park or into the kitchen and wonder if they give their kids sedatives!).
I started feeling that I wanted another when LO was about 12 - 18 months old, but when I mentioned it to DH I would get shut down straight away. My reasons were that I loved having a little person to grow and nurture. Turns out he had PTSD from LO's birth. (Emergency c-section, LO had a tension pneumo had to be transferred, bit of blood loss - synto, ergo, carboprost, TXA, B-lynch - DH is non-medical, saw it all, and thought both I and LO were about to die). I don't have any noticeable trauma from the birth in so far as I was so dissociated from lack of sleep that I can remember it all but no emotions, positive or negative attached. (Prior to delivery I had a very easy pregnancy.....and if we get to #2, elective section all the way).
I insisted that DH get his PTSD treated and he did EMDR, and it worked really well. My argument was that we shouldn't make a decision from a place of fear. I stand by that decision - it needed treatment.
After the PTSD was treated, DH was still reluctant, mainly for lifestyle reasons and a slight sense of "how the hell do people keep 2 alive at the same time?". Then we were discussing it one day 2 months ago and and I said "it seems like the decision is already made" and he just switched! We are now all systems go to start trying soon. Now I'm the one feeling nervous!
So many complex emotions around this to unpack.
Environmental - a sense that maybe I am being too selfish having a second.
Money - not really an issue for us, although job might be for me. Although my current job pays about double what I would get not working FIFO.
Job - my job is FIFO and I am away 1 week in 4. (Plus 3 weeks of remote work at 0.5fte) I just don't know that this is possible with 2. I went back to FIFO when LO was 4 months old, lugging a portable freezer full of breastmilk across the desert on charter planes...I am immensely proud of what I achieved but with 2 I think it unrealistic. However to be honest right now my job is so stressful I really want to quit....and having a baby would be a culturally acceptable reason to quit....its just the reason I went back was in 8 months they had been unable to replace me. My equivalent position at another similar organisation has been unfilled for years. I have kind of irreplaceable institutional knowledge. I know I don't owe them (the organisation or the mob) anything, but it is an emotional conflict. Then there is the alternative jobs close to home (bit boring really) or retraining (back to registrar pay and conditions, working for the health dept who certainly aren't known for being flexible).
People I work with - such emotional conflict here. Where I work, pregnancy just sort of happens. No forethought, often DV, lots of drinking in pregnancy. Kids just don't get well looked after either (this is the kind of thing that is sort of not allowed to be talked about). So when I think "am I too selfish wanting another" then compare it to the people I see who want another even though child protection took all their previous kids away, it brings up a lot of conflicting feelings.
Keeping 2 alive at the same time.... this one I just have to trust that other people have clearly done it before, though they seem to not be willing to share how exactly.
Sleep - got to be honest, not looking forward to this.
Leave - fortunately DH can take parental leave, and goodness knows what I will be doing, but working remotely at the very most. So that is a very positive thing.
Breastfeeding - only weaned LO a month ago. Kind of enjoying having my body back.
Sex-life - currently suffering. Chances of #2 even happening now not very high!
Sickness - since LO went to daycare 9 months ago, we have been constantly sick. Its really wearing. (And one of the reasons for the sex-life issue). So what if LO brings all this stuff home and infects #2 when they are little and vulnerable? Daycare is good for LO socially, so we don't want to pull him out either.
Family - my mother has just spontaneously recovered from her most recent episode of depression. (After being bedbound for a year, she's like " I will take LO to kindygym" .....I don't think so). This is the thing I hate about being an only child - the sole responsibility for my aging parents, one of whom 1 year in 3 is completely non-functional. This time she stayed with her brother which was good, but he was threatening to dump her on my doorstep, so 3 months ago I did the momumentous job of cleaning her house up and moved her back home with services. And last time when I told her we were expecting she said "oh no". So it wouldn't surprise me if #2 sends her down the hole again. Although to be fair, she held up pretty well when LO was born, BUT she was our daycare when I went back FIFO and then she completely bailed on us, leaving us in the lurch. We will never trust her again in that regard.
I guess I am just looking for some support, now that DH is on board. I loved having a little baby around, I love LO as a toddler even if he is a bit trying sometimes, I feel that I have a lot to offer for another child. But I also have a lot on my plate so the stress is getting to me. (Plus I am doing a second masters now, but that finishes end of the yr). I know stress is bad for the pregnancy....but so is age....so delaying is not really advisable either! Quitting my job world massively reduce my stress....but leave a whole lot of people in the lurch.
Apologies for the novel....