Feeling mom guilt over 3 year old attending Pre K due to speech delay

[inofk71]

So I’m a SAHM to a sweet 3 year old boy and a 9 month old boy as well. This morning I took my older son down to the school district to have him evaluated for our state’s free ESE Pre K program (son has already completed a year of Early intervention)

And I just can’t shake this feeling of guilt. Like I could’ve and should’ve done more for him. I felt so bad when the evaluator asked him to point to a ball on the page (choice between a ball and a spoon) and I knew the exercise would be in vain because my son can’t do that. At the moment I would say he has 10 words at the most.

But knowing he should be able to label body parts and colors and identify objects and have over 250 words has left me spiraling.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Has your child improved with Pre K?

For what it’s worth my son has made a lot of improvements over the past year when it comes to pronouncing different consonant sounds and his attention span has improved too. And he started private speech therapy a couple months ago. His speech therapist there has said he has good receptive language.

I just wish I could get rid of this guilt that I’ve failed him somehow.

 

[kirbygabbs]

@inofk71 Mamma, I was you 5 years ago. I am so passionate about this from everything I've learned about myself and seen how hard my son has worked.

Your child's speech delay has absolutely nothing to do with you! You are a great mamma because you are doing your best and getting him the services he needs. That is a good mother. Coming from someone who was you 5 years ago - please find a way to forgive yourself because you've done nothing wrong.

My oldest is almost 8. Long story short, he had less than 20 distinguishable words on his third birthday. Early intervention was a joke because she spent her whole one hour per month chatting instead of actually working with him. We couldn't afford private speech therapy and insurance wouldn't cover it because there was early intervention. I was up at night worrying about my "what ifs" and "could I have done XYZ". Essentially blaming myself for his speech delay. I was a SAHM. Why wasn't I doing enough to help him? Thoughts like that constantly plagued my mind.

Long story short, he was finally diagnosed with an expressive speech delay.

He attended the district preschool program for 2 1/2 years before kindergarten at 4 days a week for 2.5 hours per day. He had many amazing teachers, speech pathologists, and classroom aids that I will forever be grateful for. They changed his life and my perspective. Within a month we already noticed a huge difference so we moved him from two days a week to four and that honestly made all the difference.

Now I'm not going to lie, it's been a long and hard battle. He has overcome so much. He still struggles with his emotions because he didn't learn the proper way to identify them when he was younger so he doesn't know how to express some emotions properly. This is something we are working with him on and have learned how to give him space and give words to what he feels.

Though I'm here to reassure you. This is not your fault. I know how hard it is to not blame yourself, but please, don't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong. You are a great mamma.

We started noticing the biggest difference about a year after he started preschool when he was finally able to start reading and seeing the letters. Once he realized the sound the lettersade, he was able to visually put the sound to the letter. That slowly turned into being able to read words and seeing how the letters worked together then he was finally able to start forming words and small sentences. He started speaking in full sentences around the same time his 3 years younger brother started speaking in full sentences. He was 5 at this time and one year away from starting kindergarten.

I cried the day we had his IEP meeting a few months before he was set to start kindergarten. He was being released from all special services and getting speech reduced to 10 minutes 4 times a week. If you told me a year before kindergarten that he would no longer need the extensive speech therapy and be considered "caught up" by kindergarten, I wouldn't have believed you.

Kindergarten was easy for him. Too easy. The books they were reading were too easy for him. I was amazed. This is my kid who couldn't speak in full sentences a year ago and now he was reading way above most of his class at the beginning of the year. He absolutely loved it and thrived. He rarely spoke to his teachers and was super socially anxious. It wasn't until 1st grade that he started to slowly speak up in class. Half way through first grade he was participating and speaking up when called on. His 1st grade teacher always praised his reading and especially his high comprehension. He was finally thriving in school and at home. He makes friends with absolutely everyone and is the sweetest, most tenderhearted child. He's quiet and not cocky but everyone says he's friends with everyone at school. I believe it. When we see any classmates or other kids he knows from school while in town, they always go out of their way to wave and come say hi to him. It really warms my heart because I know how incredibly far he has come.

He is almost 8 now and in 2nd grade. We recently had parent teacher conferences and they go over their scores on tests that assess where they are in learning and comprehensive. He is scoring well above average on all of them, especially in reading and math. He actively participates in class. He is a friend to everyone. He is happy. He is thriving. I always said he was my thinker, not my speaker. Now he's very much both. He will just talk my ear off. When it starts to get annoying, I remind myself that I waited years to hear him even call me mom. So I remind myself how grateful I am that he can and does speak. And it's all thanks to the amazing village of preschool. I've learned that sometimes my children just need to learn from others and that's okay. That's why it takes a village.

Sometimes, I still cry when I think of how hard he has worked and how far he has come. He doesn't remember his time in preschool, but I wholeheartedly believe his experience in preschool taught him more than just how to speak. I fully believe it taught him to be more kind to kids who are different (his class was full of all types of abilities, mentally and physically) and to be a friend to everyone, regardless of differences.

I am so grateful for the district preschool program. It changed his life and ours. He's grown so much and is continuing to grow and thrive all because of the help he got from preschool.

 

[inofk71]

@kirbygabbs Thank you SO much, I appreciate your response so much. My son hasn’t been officially diagnosed but if I had to guess it would be expressive speech delay as well. We have found early intervention to be a joke too-the program here is all about teaching the parents how to teach the kids. I’ll never forget the day I asked her to work with my son on the pronunciation of “m, b, and p” (because at the start of every lesson she has asked me what I want to work on) and she told me “no this program doesn’t work on pronunciation of letters/words”.

That’s when I knew I had to make a change and sought out private therapy.

Thank you for the reassurance. It sounds like your son is doing extremely well-you must be so proud. I am still waiting for the day my son says “mama” but I know when it finally happens it’ll be the best day ever

 

[rozar]

@kirbygabbs Thank you so much for sharing your story. It resonated with me so much. My daughter is delayed as well. Gross and speech delay. She’s also incredibly cautious child and we just like to say that she really has to think things through before any action. She’s so observant. But as a parent when they are delayed you have this fear and feeling that you failed them somehow.

 

[zpv]

@inofk71 My second child had/has a speech delay. At 18 months I realized he was far behind where his older sibling had been at the same age. Note that we did all the same things for him we did for my daughter. He just wasn’t interested in talking. However, this was happening during Covid, so while we got him “early intervention,” the first year was all on a laptop, and trying to get a 2 year old to pay attention to a lady on a laptop was futile. We made little progress. After 6-8 months of that, Covid restrictions lessened enough so that a speech therapist could come to our house. We made great progress, but when we transitioned from Early Intervention to Intermediate Unit at 3, he was still only verbalizing 1-3 words at a time, and was hard to understand.

Preschool and receiving intervention in his classroom has helped sooo much. He made leaps and bounds last year and now is a total chatterbox. We are now focusing on clarity and pronunciation.

This is all to say you are not to blame. Some kids are just slow to talk or struggle with the mouth movements needed to talk clearly. There’s nothing more that you could’ve done: we raised both our kids the same, one was talking at 9-10 months, the other didn’t really talk until 3. Every kid is different. Just love on them, try to encourage them, and support their growth as best you can. You’re a good mom.

 

[inofk71]

@zpv Thank you for your thoughtful response-made me cry. And yes we have noticed our younger son already saying words/sounds such as “mama” “dada” and “baba”-words my toddler has never said-and like you we haven’t done anything differently than we have with our older son.

I’m really hoping Pre K helps him. I just want to hear his voice, even if it is incessantly calling out “mommy” all day.

 

[katrina2017]

@inofk71 My oldest is autistic. For the longest time, I thought I was a terrible mother. People would question why he wasn’t doing this or that, and say “give him to me for a week, I’ll have him (eating better, doing x, whatever)”. Indicating that I just wasn’t doing enough or the right things. I couldn’t understand why it was just so HARD.

It wasn’t until my daughter was born (he hadn’t been diagnosed yet, but did have therapies) that I realized how things develop normally, and that I hadn’t actually done anything “wrong”. She learned words with what seemed like no effort on my part. She learned to walk easily and learned fine motor skills, I showed her how to hold a crayon once and never had to show her again.

I spent hours upon hours trying to help my son learn how to use crayons and scissors. I did everything you’re “supposed to” do- read to him a lot, followed all the therapist’s recommendations for speech, took him to feeding therapy. I felt like a failure. Because he was my first I had really no idea what normal development looked like. And then when he was diagnosed with autism everything made so much sense. He needed more help than I could give him. People go to school for many years to learn how to help kids with special needs. They have skills that parents just can’t be expected to have, and know things that we just wouldn’t know. It wasn’t that I was doing anything wrong, it was just that he needed specialists to help him along. It’s hard to admit that you’re not “enough” as a parent, but when I accepted that it was very freeing.

I’m much more of an “expert” now that he is nine, but I’m not a therapist and I’m not a special educator- and I don’t pretend to be. They do their jobs and I do mine- which is to love and try to understand him as well as I can, and make sure he has everything he needs. To advocate for him and protect him. Don’t feel guilty- you’re not doing anything wrong. Getting him the help he needs outside of what you can provide is the best thing you can do be doing.

 

[inofk71]

@katrina2017 Thank you for your response-you’re right about me not being enough but getting him help from people who are qualified in areas I’m not. I’ll do anything for my little buddy

 

[kaylaherin]

@inofk71 I just want to say you're not alone. My son will be 3 years old next month and has been in speech therapy for more than a year. He's JUST starting to identify his body parts - eyes and toes are his favorite. He can follow some limited directions. Can't identify colors, only counts to 3. He's making progress, but he's still so, so very far behind where he needs to be. We were at the park two days ago and another 3 year old was there....the difference was astounding and disheartening. My friends with similarly aged children are out here having full conversations about things like, "What'd you dream about last night?" and we're throwing a fucking party because he repeated "blue" after I said it.

It's tough out here. I try to remind myself that every kid is on their own timeline, and our SLP has mentioned more than once that COVID babies in particular seem to have higher instances of speech delay. And although progress is slow, any progress is still progress.

 

[inofk71]

@kaylaherin Oh I completely understand this. It’s so hard to not compare but we’re human. I avoid my old bumper group because it hurts to read how much more advanced their kiddos are-my son also turns 3 next month. And I never ever thought my son would be 3 and I’d still be waiting for him to call me “mama”

 

[winepress777]

@inofk71 Omg this is meeeee! Now the 3 year old I felt so much guilt about having to send to PreK and speech therapy is nearly 5 and he can communicate and he's so much happier for it.

For a LONG time I felt guilt. Like I should have been able to help him more or that I'd failed him.

Reality was he just needed to be around different adults and some speech therapy and a bunch of his peers.

I got him there. I got him the support that helped him thrive and he is so much happier now. I wept when I heard "mommy" for the first time after waiting nearly 4 years.

I know it's hard. You're doing the right thing.

 

[inofk71]

@winepress777 Thank you and yes I’m still waiting to hear “mommy” some days it feels like I’ll never hear it-but I’m trying to get him all the help he needs

 

[saraphrased]

@inofk71 Mama, you are doing great! I have worked in early childhood Ed for 25 years. Let me tell you, I have had so many children with parents who were in denial or late to the game for early intervention. You stated services at age two! That’s fantastic. You need to give yourself some Grace. You have two LO’s. One a baby and one with developmental challenges. Keep up the good work. Look forward not behind.

 

[inofk71]

@saraphrased Thank you for your kind words I only want the best for my little man and for him to have the best life possible. I always try to be proactive in life when it comes to important things so I’m hoping all of this helps him

 

[saraphrased]

@inofk71 You bet Mama!

 

[ffreplica515]

@inofk71 My son also started PreK this year for a speech delay. He has 50 words now and says two word combinations. That’s progress but nothing like where he should be.

All the boomers in my life told me that childcare alone would fix his speech delay because he would see other children talk and copy them. It has not.

I have had a great deal of issues with him being in childcare for the first time. He won’t sit. He won’t nap. He throws his water bottle when he’s told he can’t do something. Which I get, really sucks. But I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do about it.

Believe me, I asked. The advice (other than have him evaluated for ADHD) was nonsensical. Require him to sit more often at home. Don’t let him climb on furniture. Like, he doesn’t?!

So he goes, they record more behavior problems, they tell me. I ask what to do. It’s stuff we already do. We send him to school having done more of the same. He misbehaves at school in ways he never acts at home. Lather, rinse, repeat. I really don’t know what they want from us.

So I kind of expected school to make our lives easier, but it doesn’t.

 

[inofk71]

@ffreplica515 Thank you for your honesty. I don’t think Pre K will be a magic cure but I am hoping it improves his language.

 

[sandsup]

@inofk71 Please don’t feel guilty. Our kids’ development and milestones are a moving target. Sometimes, they need a little bit of extra help and that’s ok.

You’re amazing for taking up the help, and wanting him to achieve the goals. You’d be sad to hear how many parents rather their kids to not receive services because they don’t want people thinking badly of them. You’re awesome

 

[inofk71]

@sandsup Thank you I just want what’s best for my little buddy. I never thought he’d be 3 and still waiting for him to call me “mama”

 

[plantlover]

@inofk71 You haven’t failed. You’re doing a great job by getting him evaluated!

My daughters were/are both speech delayed. My oldest started OT and speech therapy through the school district shortly before she was three and a half. My second turns three in January so I’m going to call in there on Monday to get her evaluation scheduled so we can get her services started.

Both my kids are likely ADHD, and I think that contributed. They also both had great gross motor skills, and that can delay language development.

I remember feeling guilty as well, but there is nothing you can change about the past. You’re working on getting it taken care of. You’re doing a good job.