Feeling like a failure

[thudomi1582]

I (32M) and my partner (25F) have 4 kids, and I believe our oldest (5yM) is special needs (possibly ADHD, or on the spectrum). My partner doesn’t believe either condition is real in general (long story, pertinent but not the focus here), as a result of her position ADHD AND Autism spectrum, discussions about the issues our son is having either don’t happen or turn into her being defensive and shutting down.

I am ADHD and have recognized the signs in our oldest, along with issues socializing, severe speech delay/impediments and wholly unpredictable behaviours, emotional regulation, and impulse control issues.

The behaviours exhibited by our oldest son are being mirrored by his younger brother (3yM) and his younger sister (18mF). Their behaviour is not as intense and I’ve noticed it’s more than copying him than presenting their own.

This is causing me a great deal of stress, feelings of failure, anxiety, and (to be frank) major stress when interacting with our 5 year old. He is very obstinate, doesn’t respond to time outs, removal of privileges, reason, early bedtimes etc. This has lead to every request needing to be repeated multiple times while he either ignores us, or flat out refuses to be compliant. This behaviour seems to be contagious and the thought of all four of our kids being this difficult at all times is paralyzing me.

I know what I’m doing is not working I need help.

 

[theberlintall]

@thudomi1582 Hi. Is your partner recognising that your son has speech problems and is he getting help for this?

Getting speech therapy might be the first step in identifying other problems he may have.

Is he in school? How's he doing there?

Finally, diet. Cutting the junk/processed stuff out of a child's diet can really help with behaviour problems and is a good first step. Of course there will be big resistance to a change from pizza to meat and veg, but stick to it.

 

[hesta]

@theberlintall

pizza

Literally just bread, meat, veggies, and cheese. If you make your own, you can't get much healthier and still have a food kids will want to eat.

 

[thudomi1582]

@hesta When we have pizza it’s homemade everything. We generally don’t eat processed foods

 

[crystalhello]

@thudomi1582 Look into a diet that aims to maintain blood sugar levels. I struggle after eating healthy foods like bread, pasta, oranges and apples.

 

[crystalhello]

@hesta Pizza elevates your glucose levels, causing a spike in blood sugar, which is particularly bad for people with ADHD.

 

[thudomi1582]

@theberlintall Speech delay is being worked on with a speech pathologist.

He’s in school and latest report card was good compared to last year.

We don’t eat junk food, so there’s nothing to cut out.

 

[theberlintall]

@thudomi1582 So he's doing better in school. They aren't having problems with his behaviours?

 

[thudomi1582]

@theberlintall No that’s what’s curious, his report card was stellar; I’m wondering if he flew under the radar or if there’s an obvious disparity between his behaviour at school and at home.

For context last year there were regular messages from his teacher (3+ a week) about behavioural concerns, this year there was one in total (same teacher).

 

[theberlintall]

@thudomi1582 Yes that is curious, because I would have assumed that he would show the same struggles with impulse control and emotional regulation that he does at home.
I don't know much about ADHD, but you say you have it and you can see the similarities in your son's behaviour.
How did you get on at school?
Is it possible that he is masking his problems at school because he has to and then melting down at home because that's his safe space?

I know this does happen, but I don't know if a 5yo would be capable of separating his behaviours so neatly.

 

[thudomi1582]

@theberlintall My schooling was good days and bad ones until I figured out how to manage myself, then all great days.

It is possible he’s masking and is completely different at school than he is here, and yes it could be based on comfort levels. I don’t know enough about that kind of dichotomy to comment.

I was pleasantly surprised, proud and frustrated seeing how well he is doing at school while he still struggles at home.

 

[theberlintall]

@thudomi1582 Is it possible that the way school is, with every second of the day accounted for and every activity scheduled, suits him better than the less structured home environment?

I'm honestly guessing here, I'm trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.

 

[thudomi1582]

@theberlintall That’s possible, we were very structured at the beginning of the pandemic, but not so much any more. It’s not a matter of time or resources, just fatigue at times.

 

[theberlintall]

@thudomi1582 Yeah, 4 kids 5 and under...that's a lot of work. I had three under 9 and all was chaos.

Maybe, if you could work this into your lives (assuming you don't do it already) try and get some one on one time with your eldest. Either you or your partner.
He may be playing up because he perceives that the younger kids get more attention (I'm not saying they do, but it might look that way to a 5yo).

Do special 'big boy' activities that only he gets to do, but on condition that he behaves like the big boy he is.

Easier said than done, I know. Especially if parent fatigue is already an issue.

 

[thudomi1582]

@theberlintall I’m an only child, so the large family dynamic is new to me.

Thank you for the tips, I’m going to build out a regimented schedule for him, and add more one on one time.

 

[chess123mate]

@thudomi1582 Hi, autistic mom of an autistic daughter here.

I would bet money that he is masking and putting all his energy into behaving at school, and then letting loose all the accumulation tension at home. It’s a compliment (I know you don’t feel very complimented right now, but stay with me). With you, he feels safe. He knows that if he melts down, cries, gets angry, lashes out, you’ll still be there for him. At school, he’s afraid of breaking the rules and if he melts down, he doesn’t know how they’ll react. So he saves it for home, where you love and accept him.

My daughter did exactly the same thing. It was worst for the first few months of the school year, and then she would get her sea legs under her and figure out what was going on, and things would calm down a little. Then the next school year would start up, and the whole cycle would start over again. And she wasn’t diagnosed until she was 15, so we had no idea what was going on.

 

[juanaatorres]

@thudomi1582 Let the school push for ADHD and autism testing if spouse isn't seeing/ believing it. Read up on ADHD parenting (help for you and the kid). My oldest has to have chores and projects broken down into tiny pieces to succeed... like each item of clothing to change is its own task, and apparently needs to be done in a certain order. Don't feel like a failure, each of my kids needs a different tactic for success, maybe older kid goes with you to change into pj's while mom helps the others. I try to make things fun, give them as many choices as I can, like they pick their pj's (I only put weather appropriate in the drawer).

 

[thudomi1582]

@juanaatorres Thank you!

 

[happichappi]

@thudomi1582 Have you had a meeting with his teacher? I'd be interested to know just how different his behavior is, if he's somehow masking it at school and comes home where he feels safe and has a meltdown from trying to keep it all together.. another possibility is the schedule, young children (especially those with possible Austim/AdHD) thrive on structure and schedule so they what to expect when. Having free time is very hard for them to cope with as they can easily get overwhelmed and over stimulated, and with 3 other kids under 5 in the house I'm sure it's hard for him to have a quiet place.

You could also try things like having a visual schedule with pictures so he can easily interpret his day, noise canceling headphones to prevent him from being overwhelmed with noise when his brothers/sisters are running around screaming, having a designated "quiet zone" or room with lots of calming activities, maybe a bean bag chair and a weighted blanket.

If you can afford it, I'd suggest reaching out to a behavioral interventionist. They can help a ton.

I work in children's group homes. Most of the kids have either ADHD, Autism, ODD, Developmental trauma etc. These are all strategies we use

 

[hesta]

@thudomi1582 You had 4 kids inside 5 years with a woman who isn't fit to raise a single child. I got no advice for you. You have a couple very difficult decades coming, no matter what you do.