fair rota ideas

[matthewcox]

my ex and I are trying to identify a fair rota where we stay with the kids 50:50, we enjoy equal weekend nights of freedom (fri and sats at alternating weeks), we tend to maintain a similar pattern every week (e.g. I always have them on Mon and Tues, he always have them on Wed and thurs, for work arrangements). it seems impossible to work out something fair with these constraints. Any ideas?

 

[hal4x]

@matthewcox It sounds like a 5-5-2-2 arrangement would be perfect for you all

 

[matthewcox]

@hal4x that would be smart but we also wanted to avoid a situation where one of us has a whole weekend without seeing the kids, and we would like to maintain some regular weekdays so we don't need to check which week in the cycle it is all the time we need to arrange a work meeting or plan activities. I think what I look for is probably impossible!

 

[hal4x]

@matthewcox 5-5-2-2 means you get four of the days as always the same. If you start the schedule on a Saturday or Sunday then every other weekend will be shared. I think that’s as close as you’ll get! If you are both flexible there’s nothing to stop little visits/meet ups, but I think most people would advise as consistent a pattern as possible or the kids heads start to spin, and so will yours!

 

[stefana]

@matthewcox You will want a full weekend with the kids. 2255.

Mon Tues you
Wed Thurs him
Alternate fri to sunday

 

[omslaw]

@matthewcox My ex and I have done it like this:

She has them every Monday and Wednesday, I have them every Tuesday and Thursday, and then we swap weekends.

It does mean that we both have weekends without the kids, but it's worked out.

 

[nyr94]

@omslaw This what we have done too. At first I hated the weekends without the kids but now I don't mind as it gives me time to do things I want to do.

 

[matthewcox]

@nyr94 I think that will work if I was going to develop a new relationship (like my ex) but for the time being a full weekend alone makes me sad, I'm also an expact with no other family here, whilst he's from here. so the situation is not completely balance overall...

 

[nyr94]

@matthewcox I had no plans to develop a relationship. I found things to volunteer doing and started a hobby I always wanted to do. It also gives me time to run errands or get some house projects done that are easier/faster to do without my kids there. I get it. It is hard at first but it does get easier. I told this to a friend who said the same thing as you when she first had to split custody. Now she also enjoys some time on her off weekends. You probably can't imagine that happening now, but it will.

 

[danny0101]

@matthewcox Honestly, I do not have an answer, but I just wanted to say I really appreciate how you and your ex are working together on this. You’re both prioritizing time with the kids and time for each other. Truly thankful to see coparents like this existing out in the world. I hope you can find an arrangement that works best!

 

[matthewcox]

@danny0101 thanks! it's nice to hear. there is always a temptation to be selfish but we're trying, let's see if we can keep it up!

 

[drybomber]

@matthewcox It sounds like it would be challenging to tick all your boxes without a huge number of transitions.

As others have said 2-2-5-5 is close but means a whole weekend without the kids. You could do a day or sleepover on the other parent's weekend if you wanted, but that's two extra transitions.

You could also do Sunday Monday Tuesday nights one parent, Wednesday Thursday Friday one parent, and alternate the Saturday (3-3-4-4). If you're looking for free Friday and Saturday nights that looks like one parent having 1 a fortnight and one have 3 a fortnight, though it's alternating free Saturday nights, and is only 4 transitions in a fornight, similar to a 2-2-5-5.

 

[marshipan]

@matthewcox As long as you both agree any custody plans will work. Judges and mediators look for agreements. You could do one person has sat and the other has sun and then switch it the following week.

 

[matthewcox]

@marshipan hopefully we won't need to involve judges...