Fair Distribution of Labor?

[monique77]

First time posting. I am not the SAHP. I’m the working parent and have no idea how hard it is to be a SAHP - so I have to ask.

Right now I do all the overnight feeds (husband says he doesn’t wake up). LO is 8 months so it’s usually 0-2 times a night. We have a cat and I wake up to feed her around 5:30 and wake up with the baby every morning around 6. I do a bottle, change her and take her downstairs to quietly play while husband sleeps.

I brush my teeth and wash my face at the kitchen sink, do any left over dishes from the night before, empty the litter boxes and fold laundry (that’s only once a week). I feed the LO solids and get her in her clothes for the day.

Husband wakes up around 8:45 and showers (this is when I take baby into our room and watch her while I get ready for work). Then he gets ready and makes a coffee before I hand off the baby and walk to work.

I work eight hours, walk home and immediately take over childcare. I feel my husband needs a break at this time and he usually gets a mental break making dinner.

I do every bath night but my husband and I trade off putting the baby to sleep while the other cleans up from dinner and the day.

Every weekend I do all the laundry and come up with the grocery list and schedule for the day and the grocery store trip. I feel I am the default parent on the weekends.

I love my husband so much and do not understand the stress of being with a baby for nine straight hours a day, five days a week.

Does this feel like a normal division of labor?

 

[alearose]

@monique77 The evening routine sounds fair to me, but it seems like you are not getting enough sleep doing overnight feedings and then waking up early. Maybe you could trade off some of those responsibilities as well.

 

[carloagal]

@alearose Agreed, I feel like the parent doing the night work is the one who gets to sleep in.

Personally, I do laundry and grocery shopping too. Maybe OP could hand off some of those weekend tasks so they could be done during weekdays. Added fresh air and/or sensory enrichment for the baby!

 

[theinvisibleman30]

@monique77 You both need to alternate night time feeds, one parent does one night then one the other. It is hard with a baby but you're going to burn out.

 

[jlkuhioe]

@monique77 I don’t think you should do mornings AND evenings personally. These can be split more evenly if they feel unfair to you. Since he’s the sahp I’d have him come up with the grocery list & shopping during the week. Like others have mentioned he can get on a cleaning schedule during the week and it’ll help!

 

[katrina2017]

@monique77 No, it doesn’t. It sounds like you’re doing way too much, especially in the morning and overnights.

 

[delightintheway]

@monique77 Others in this thread have great broader feedback, but here are a couple of small tweaks to consider to reclaim some of your time: (1) retrain your cat to eat at 6:30 or later rather than 5:30 (this could take some time but it generally works if you're consistent) OR just get an electronic feeder that goes off at 5:30; (2) have your husband do grocery shopping with your baby during the week -- it's totally doable and a good outing for an 8 month old

 

[carloagal]

@delightintheway Wanted to chime in, we got an electronic feeder and it was amazing! She used to eat my hair, paw me in the face, then yowl at the door until I'd get her breakfast around 5am. Post auto-feeder purchase, she'd just quietly loaf by the feeder until the robot dropped her food.

 

[webdesignbellflower]

@carloagal This is why my cats have always gotten wet food as a random treat and stick with free feed for the kibble. They can eat on their own they’re grown in comparison to the baby and dog!

 

[peggyleggy]

@monique77 The question isn’t “does this feel normal? Or fair?” The question is “does this feel equitable? Do we all get our needs met?” If not what needs to change?

The working parent in my house (husband) does everything you do but I do laundry and shop and cook all meals before he gets home. I wake up at 5 am to feed the dogs because I slept undisturbed. I am tending my kids while my husband gets ready for work. He pops up and I go change. If I need a shower he would watch the kids. Why do all animals want to be fed at 5 am?

We don’t do chores when our children sleep. I don’t sleep well and I need that to be emotionally best for my kids, so besides for breastfeeding my husband does MOTN wake ups. This feels equitable in our relationship. Some people could split the wake ups by shift or whatever.

A tip: I cook dinner throughout the day. I would sit the 8 month old in the high chair with sensory/art stuff or in the adjacent room for floor time while I cut and marinate things, throw the prepped food back in the fridge. Then in the early afternoon I might cook a part of the dinner and heat it back up at 6 pm with the rest of the food. Or better make double and serve that the next day.

Weekends were rough our first year as parents. I hated them because it felt like we were two adults 100% around the baby, but not 100% present. We made a loose schedule that works for us. The working parent plans and takes the oldest out every Saturday morning. Then we hang out together during nap time. Afternoons are family projects time (cleaning backyard or car or shopping). Sunday morning my mom comes over and we hang with the kids. Then in the afternoon my husband gets 3 hours alone with the expectation he is doing some sort of house work or prep for Monday. We call it “the no scary time.”

We fill our cup up in different ways. My husband needs more social time. He makes it a point to schedule a few friend meet ups per week. I joined a fancier gym with child care so I get a break during the day to wander around a gym.

 

[carloagal]

@peggyleggy

The question isn’t “does this feel normal? Or fair?” The question is “does this feel equitable? Do we all get our needs met?” If not what needs to change?

This is a great approach. Early on, it's hard to check the "you aren't doing x" feelings. Once my partner and I got to the "I need y" stage, parenting became a team sport to figure out how we can make y happen.

 

[aftergodsheart]

@peggyleggy This

 

[joshuasamuelquiroz]

@monique77 This sounds like a lot. Sleeping until 845 when he didn't get up over night alone doesn't seem fair. I am the STAP and when I did night wakings my husband woke at 6 to do childcare. I would say he should be waking up while you sleep in.

I also think grocery shopping is a great activity with an 8mo so if you plan meals and make the list that is a great Monday activity for dad and baby.

 

[smileys]

@monique77 This doesn not sound fair to me. Sounds like your husband needs to get up more nights so you can sleep. He has the option to nap during the day with the baby while you do not. Additionally, you are doing what sounds like an equal amount of childcare/housework. I see a lot of things on this sub that do not acknowledge that the working parent gets tired and overwhelmed. Im the SAHP right now, though I have recently started working very part time hlurs and I think it wb unfair of me not to acknowledge the strain my husband, the sole provider feels when he works in a very high stress job in excess of 40 hours. Not saying the wotking parent gets a free pass, but I think some compromise on both parts is needed.

 

[kikizmommy]

@monique77 He sounds like he has it easy compared to me! lol

 

[kara13bkq]

@monique77 Of course check with your doctor, but in general an 8 month old shouldn’t need a night feeding at all.

 

[theundecided]

@monique77 He should be able to take on at least some of the laundry during the week. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to squeeze in 1 load a day around other tasks. At 8 months grocery shopping with a baby was kind of fun and he could easily take that off your plate. Maybe on weekends you could sit down with him together to make the list and meal plan. For me as the SAHP it was important to try and do most of the night time stuff on weeknights so my spouse would be rested and able to function well at his job. There were a few times my husband stepped in to help with night time stuff when I got burned out but for the most part I was able to do most of it. And he would step in to help on weekends.

Honestly OP sounds like your husband isn’t adding much value to this situation. Your work load would be pretty similar if your husband was working a full time job and baby was going to daycare.

 

[syndiseok]

@monique77 If you are the working parent your husband needs to be doing a lot more.

What worked for us as me being the sahm & my husband working-

SAHP does Sunday-Thursday gets up at night

Let’s be real- If I am the one staying at home I can make more of my own schedule, take some breaks and rest more than someone working outside the home 8+ hours a day. It’s just seems fair to me.

Friday & Saturday alternate who gets up at night/sleeps in.

He needs to get up when the baby gets up in the morning to feed and change her. He can clean the litter box/feed the cat as well.
You shouldn’t have to be doing all of that as your husband sleeps in.

Your husband should be taking care of the grocery list & doing the shopping. Maybe even switch it up. Go on Monday morning so the house is stocked with food for the week (that’s what worked for me)
There’s no reason the baby can’t come with him to do that and run other errands.

He should also be keeping up with the laundry throughout the week so it’s not being piled up until the weekend.

Does he have a cleaning schedule? This worked for me for the past 18 years-

Monday- Bathrooms

Tuesday - Dust/Vacuum

Wednesday- Change sheets

Thursday - Clean kitchen

Friday - Clean basement

*Laundry as needed throughout the week

*General light stuff like keeping kitchen counters clutter free, spray counters down if they get a little sticky or dirty.

With my husband working full time it is my job to take care of things around the house. He obviously picks up after himself, does things to help me out but not full blown daily cleaning or errands. However he does his own laundry because he’s weird about doing it a certain way- He’s been doing it before we were married.

Hope this helps.

 

[toysernis1]

@monique77 Hi! I’m a SAHM. I have 3 kiddos, 2 cats, and 3 puppies.
I am assuming you don’t have a high needs child when writing this post

SLEEP PORTION:

I am avidly against the working parent waking up at night when you only have one kiddo. The reason is, 8mo still take anywhere from 1-3 (or more) naps a day. So, I see it as completely ridiculous that you are getting up to feed kiddo, when you are the one that has to stay awake at work. He has plenty of time to nap, if he needs it. So, I’d honestly request to change that. You can get up the nights you don’t have work the next day. In our situation, we have 3 kids, one who is a pre teen so practically entirely self sufficient. So, I’m in charge of getting up with youngest (9mo) and my husband is in charge of my toddler in the event he wakes up in the middle of the night.

DISHES, LAUNDRY, CATS PORTION:

If you’re doing dishes, cat litter box, and putting away the laundry, what on earth is he doing? I mean.. honestly. Again, 3 kids here, one is gone for school during the day and I do laundry every day, sort, put everyone’s away, and then my (working) husband is in charge of putting his own clothes away (his preference not mine). I typically handle the litter box, and I do dishes here and there during the day, as well. I’d say the house (pets, rooms, bathrooms, etc) is 75% spotless on an average day when my husband comes home.

MORNING PORTION:
I think this sounds fine. You get up, get kiddo ready for the day, get some 1x1 time with her, etc. But, why is he sleeping in when you’re the one up all night? If anything, it should be you getting some sleep every other morning… So, I’d also change that if you’re up for it. Maybe not every day, but every other day so everyone gets their chance to sleep in!

Also, I don’t like that he gets 100% all the time in the world to get ready for the day but you’re in charge of the entire morning routine and caring for your child while getting ready. This really seems backwards to me and that he’s clearly taking advantage of you.

BOTTOM LINE:
His life is a breeze compared to yours. You’re the default parent 90% when you’re home on work days, you’re the default parent 100% on weekends, he doesn’t do dishes, laundry, litter box… he doesn’t get up with kiddo, sleeps in every day. Holy crap, I would not be happy as the working parent.

No. This isn’t a normal division of labor, in MY experience and opinion.

Side note:
My husband (out-of-home-worker) is in charge of all vehicle upkeep, outside front and back yard (large yards) duties, puts away his own laundry, is 100% in charge of our toddler going to bed 7 nights a week (I handle small baby), he helps with cats, dogs, cooking, dishes, all of it. We both also get me time every day - see friends, family, nap, walks, swimming, whatevs.

I wouldn’t say we’re 50/50, I do more because I’m the SAHP, but it works for us. Side note, I could easily - EASILY do NOTHING for at least 2-3 days before the house looks gross, which means your partner? To me… is doing absolutely nothing all day and then having you do it all. I don’t like that AT ALL.

ETA: I also take the kids to the Zoo, children’s museum, park, on daily walks with the wagon/stroller, grocery shopping, libraries, etc - all while my husband is at work and the house is still more than decent when he gets home.

ETA 2: When is at “absolutely nothing” I meant in regards to the home upkeep, not childcare, by any means.

 

[carlthedreamer]

@toysernis1 A little harsh to call looking after a baby for eight+ hours as doing “absolutely nothing”.