F U one liners for more kids

[mcc873]

Hi all!

I am the FTM of a 4 month old. I never wanted kids, but my husband did. We did the whole IVF process and in December welcomed our Son who is the epitome of an Angel on earth.

In any event, we are seeing his family next week and I already know they are going to badger us for number 2. What are some “F U” one liners or clap backs I can give? The more uncomfortable the better.

I never asked people when they were having kids because a.) it’s not my business, b.) I don’t care, and c.) I don’t know if they are struggling with fertility.

Thank you!!

 

[eternalvictory00]

@mcc873 Ask them if they’re going to pay the $40 grand for this round of IVF.

 

[mcc873]

@eternalvictory00 Or even a 40k donation for college

 

[wingsofthedawn]

@mcc873 Or daycare

 

[amandalp717]

@mcc873 “I’m ready now, wanna fuck?”
That’s super uncomfortable!

 

[mcc873]

@amandalp717 Yesssssss!!! Love this!

 

[whitceegee]

@mcc873 Alright, since you insist, here are a few "FU" responses that walk the line but avoid anything too vulgar:

Feign Surprise: "Wait, you guys thought we were a puppy mill? We only have the emotional bandwidth for one tiny human at a time!" (Exaggerated but gets the point across)

Salty Sarcasm: "Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence in our ability to handle basic childcare! Maybe when we've mastered this whole 'one kid' thing, we'll consider a sequel." (Sarcastic but with a hint of humor)

Broken Record: (Look directly at the offender, smile tightly) "One child. We're a one-child family. Happy for you and yours, but one child for us." (Repeat calmly and firmly, like a mantra, until they get the message)

Eye for an Eye: (In a playful but pointed tone) "So, when are YOU planning on having another grandchild to keep [baby's name] company?" (Turns the tables in a (hopefully) lighthearted way)

The Confused Doctor: "Hmm, interesting. Usually, questions about family planning come from fertility specialists, not family gatherings. Perhaps we got the address wrong?" (Playful jab with a hint of confusion)

or

“We’re still getting used to the sleepless nights with one, let’s not rush into two!”

“Our family feels perfect just the way it is right now.”
“We’re focusing on giving our all to our little one at the moment.”
“We’ll think about it when we’re ready, not when we’re asked.”

Blunt Shutdowns:

"We are a one-child family. This is not up for discussion." (Direct and leaves no room for argument)
"Our baby is enough for us, thanks for your input, but we've made our decision." (Firm and polite, but shuts down further questions)
"If you want to discuss something else, I'm happy to chat. Otherwise, this topic is closed." (Sets a clear boundary)
Humor with a Bite (works best if you have a sassy personality):

"You know, I thought childbirth was the most pressure I'd face this year, but apparently not!" (Sarcastic but lighthearted)
"Maybe when [baby's name] graduates college, we'll think about it. Until then, two's a crowd!" (Playful jab with a clear message)
Remember:

Body language is key. Make good eye contact and project confidence.
Practice your delivery beforehand so it sounds natural.
A united front with your husband is crucial.
You can always excuse yourself if things get heated.

*asked a few AI

 

[mcc873]

@whitceegee Incredible. These are amazing! Thank you!

 

[natmcb]

@mcc873 Might I add “We’ve been trying but so far nothing. Is he supposed to go in through the back door? If not I have no idea how #1 happened!”

 

[arpaxad]

@natmcb Haha “I’m so confused—I thought the back door was for #2! We’ve been trying for ages and no dice!”

 

[natmcb]

@arpaxad This one is definitely better! Thank you for refining. :-D

 

[arpaxad]

@natmcb Haha yours was good, too, and I just riffed off your joke.

 

[solaymend]

@mcc873 God those questions suck. Do they know you went through IVF?

I used to get those questions all the time, from people who knew of my history of miscarriage. Fuck ‘em all.

My go to is “Why do you ask? Are you thinking about having another baby yourself?” (The less likely this is, the better.)

And then there’s the classic, “Wow I’m surprised you feel comfortable asking me that.”

Once I just said “no thank you” to my MIL. It just slipped out, but surprisingly it worked lol.

 

[mcc873]

@solaymend We did not share that we went through IVF. But we’ve been together for 11 years before getting married, got married in 2022, then had a baby in late 2023. We really just enjoyed being traveling DINKs. I think they asked all the time because we knew their lives were miserable and they wanted us to relish in it. But we just came back from a trip to Japan with our babe and it was awesome! So no I’m preparing for the “traveling with two is hard” .. yeah I know, hence I only have one! And in this economy!?!!! FOH

 

[pacificwaters]

@mcc873 Maybe if this one wasn’t perfect we would have to try again, but we got it right the first time

 

[vivienita]

@mcc873 I offer to leave my baby with them. Or tell them to carry him around for 30 min without sitting down and then tell me how wonderful it is ahaha.

 

[mcc873]

@vivienita He’s a hefty one, too!

 

[manonjourney]

@vivienita Love this idea (and conversation). I’ve always known I’ve wanted one kid, gave birth in February and I’m already being asked by my MIL who only had one child (my husband). Thinking of doing this tactic - like next time she goes through a growth spurt and is inconsolably screaming, I’ll ask her to come over and babysit lol. Then when I come back home, I’ll ask how it went and tell her how much I’m looking forward to handing off my next child to her every time she’s screaming. It’s all fun and games when they come over and hand her off one she starts crying lol.

Drives me bonkers when I get asked this question! People are nuts.

 

[vivienita]

@manonjourney The newborn phase really broke me down and people are still surprised at 5 months I'm still not pro second child. Like hello I was basically suicidal up until recently and still have anxiety at night

 

[manonjourney]

@vivienita Same!! I’m over here dead ass tired, stressed AF and still trying to learn who I am as a new mother while I stare at my PP body in the mirror. It’s hard and can be super lonely sometimes. Plus my MiL knows I had/have a fibroid the size of a large softball, had to have a c section with a vertical incision on my uterus (which I explained already to them, that makes carrying and birthing another one more difficult) and if I have another I’d basically have to have three more surgeries- one to remove the current tumor, another to have another c section and another one to remove the additional tumors that will develop if I get pregnant again. And STILL being asked when I’m having another. Like are you kidding me? Since when did having only one child become social suicide? I hate feeling like one isn’t good enough. It’s like no one cares if I’m happy and fulfilled, I’ve somehow become a birthing vessel with zero identity