Exploring the idea of OAD

[rainbow42]

Hi all — really happy to have found this sub! Just starting to explore the idea of OAD, not sure what I’m looking for with this post, I guess just sharing my story and seeing what people’s thoughts and comments are, and maybe some similar experiences?

My husband and I have a wonderful, happy and healthy 5 week old. We have been fortunate that she is a good eater, a good sleeper (giving us 6-7 hour stretches at night and napping well during the day), is gaining weight like a champ, and is overall chill and easy. Don’t get me wrong, she takes a lot of attention and energy, but compared to some of our friend’s babies we feel as though we hit the baby jackpot — at least for now, haha.

I was very lucky my pregnancy was uncomplicated, however getting pregnant we had to go through fertility (I have a very low egg count, at 29 I had the count of a 40 year old, and I am 31 in a few months) and post partum was hell. I had a bleed from an emergency c section that resulted in a week long hospital stay, I developed post partum pre eclampsia (that was somehow missed in the hospital, so I had to return to urgent care/ER several times my first week home), and I also got a uterine infection which required more ER visits. The thought of having to go through fertility treatments again (all those early mornings, medications, scans, blood tests) and then to potentially have complications post partum (or during pregnancy) that would take away time from not only a newborn but also our current daughter, I’m not sure I would be able to handle that. Also, I likely would do an elective c section based on my labour/delivery this time round, and I believe the recommended wait time is at least 18 months between babies with c sections, which isn’t ideal given my low egg count.

My husband in particular is leaning towards OAD heavily on the fact that I had such a hard and traumatic labour, birth, and post partum. Especially with the missed pre eclampsia having been life threatening by the time I got diagnosed. He says he doesn’t want me to have to go through that ever again, and that our daughter needs a mother more than she needs a sibling.

I also look at my friends who have multiples, and how hectic and chaotic it is for them, and how one child is always getting “forgotten about” depending on which child needs attention more urgently. I also have seen many of my friends have children who require extra support due to reflux issues, colic, or other newborn complications, and that takes further attention and time away from their older children.

I guess I just feel lucky we didn’t have those issues with our daughter, and maybe this makes me a pessimist, but we don’t want to risk being unlucky with our second? Or maybe it’s just me trying to help myself accept we may be a OAD family because of the post pregnancy complications.

I should add my husband and I have always wanted 2 as we each had a sibling growing up, but with everything that’s happened it seems like this may be our future. The thing is, I can absolutely see myself doing the newborn phase again (if it’s like how it is with our current daughter) and that’s not the reason at all for potentially being OAD. It’s all mostly about the “what ifs” like what if our fertility journey for the second is longer and harder (or is impossible given my eggs?) or what if our second baby is difficult, requires extra support or attention, or what if I have bad pregnancy or post partum complications, etc.

We have been looking at the positives of being OAD (financial, being able to focus all attention on her, not having to get a bigger house, etc) but these have all come up after my husband and I started discussing OAD (basically during all of my post partum complications is when OAD was brought up by my husband)

Would love to hear thoughts, words of wisdom, advice, similar stories, anything at all! I know I don’t need to make a decision right now, but I hate fencesitting on anything and I would have a much better time mentally if we knew the direction our family was going.

 

[wunderlust]

@rainbow42 5weeks is too soon and the trauma is too fresh. Id wait for a year to reasses. Also, many people are able to conceive naturally after infertility, so it's not 100% true that youd need to go through ivf again

 

[rainbow42]

@wunderlust Waiting a year (or any specified time) to re assess is probably the way to go, especially considering we really would want to wait the recommended time between c sections anyways. And yes, who knows, we may not need fertility treatments to get pregnant a second time, I’ve heard many people who have spontaneous conception after years of fertility treatments!

 

[jesus_is_our_lord]

@wunderlust The back and forth I’ve gone through.. it’s almost been ten months now and I finally feel good about making decisions regarding another. We jumped from OAD, trying before this one was 1, and finally within the last month we’ve seemed to settle down and enjoy our lives again. We’re at a good point to wait til December to decide lol

 

[calebm]

@rainbow42 5 weeks is very very early. Obviously at this point you're still physically recovering and have so many phases to go through. I, too, always wanted 2 kids but for a variety of reasons, am definitely leaning toward being OAD. I'm 10 months postpartum (which is also early!!) and also had a pretty traumatic birth with a 4th degree tear that I'm still recovering from.

I realize that I've always viewed myself as a future mother of 2. Changing my mind feels like I'm "deleting" someone from my hypothetical family, like I'm stopping short and failing to complete the family I envisioned.

However.... if I reframe my thinking, it's easier. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and now I am! If, at some point, I decide not to be OAD, then I can add to my existing family.

 

[rainbow42]

@calebm Reframing my mindset would definitely help while we wait to open up the discussion again (as others have recommended to table the discussion for now as it’s so early)

I definitely resonate with your comment, “deleting someone from your hypothetical family” — it’s hard to not look at it that way.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

 

[little1]

@rainbow42 I'm still on the fence, but ~95% sure I want to be OAD. Our daughter is 2yo.

I'd consider tabling the discussion for now. I don't care how easy your baby is (ours was, too), it's still pretty hard. Also the trauma of your complications is still pretty raw. It's recommended to wait a year (or 18mo for a c-section) between pregnancies, so I took that as an excuse to relax and just enjoy my baby for a while. I know it's hard to wait, particularly with fertility issues. I'm 38 and had two losses before our daughter, so I get the feeling that you're running out of time.

Fwiw, I agree with a lot of the reasons you cite for being hesitant. My first two losses were traumatic and I definitely don't want to repeat them (I did have a CP a couple of months ago as well). I also worry about the financial, logistical, mental, and emotional implications. Right now, I'm having fun. She has her big feelings, but I have the capacity to deal with it and still be happy. I worry that I'd be overwhelmed with a second, even if "easy".

 

[rainbow42]

@little1 Yeah I think revisiting the discussion later on may be the way to go. We don’t have to make a decision right now (or even in the next year) but yes it is hard given my fertility history. That being said we need to wait 18 months between births anyways so that does give us a bit of time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Much appreciated!

 

[stuart1717]

@rainbow42 I have two, and from that lens would say there are tons of positives to being OAD. But I agree, you don't need to decide now.

When I look at our friends who stopped at one kid, their lives are vastly less complicated (especially in the context of two parents who're together), because it's so possible for one adult to get a break without too much burden on the other one. It's way less expensive, there are fewer logistical challenges, and overall it's just a little more relaxed. That's not to say that life with one child isn't stressful, for sure, but it's still less with one than with two. When I look at my daughter's friends who are only children, they still have tons of connections with friends and sometimes other family; being an only child isn't a case of "oh, no socialization" at all.

I was firmly OAD for the first 2+ years after my oldest was born; she was the opposite of your baby and it was awful, plus I had two solid years of PPD. It wasn't until she was into toddlerhood that I was even open to the idea of having a second (and I had my second at age 40).

 

[rainbow42]

@stuart1717 Thank you for sharing your perspective, it seems very unbiased and truthful, and I really appreciate that! I guess we may need to just put the decision on hold for now, and then take a look at the idea in a little while. And really just be happy with the pros of whichever option we decide!

 

[katrina2017]

@stuart1717 If you don’t mind me asking, what made you jump from OAD to having a second? Did you just suddenly have a change of heart?

 

[stuart1717]

@katrina2017 She (my first) was fun at age 2, and life was starting to feel better and more liveable to the point that I could imagine doing it all again. It also felt like having a kid had exploded my life beyond recognition anyway, so in a sense the cost of just one felt like a lot - like, better to spread that out over two. I also had the hope that maybe my postpartum period with my second would be better, and might redeem how awful things were the first time. Finally, I grew up in a big family and while I didn't want a big family the energy of two adults/one kid just wasn't quite right.

 

[katrina2017]

@stuart1717 Thanks for your reply. I find the thing about the energy of a family of 3 interesting. I had never really considered the energy of different households, but it’s absolutely true. The fewer the kids the calmer and quieter, so I guess it depends what you’re used to/what you want. Thank you!

 

[paulgilldrums]

@rainbow42 You could decide now that you’re OAD, and you’ll revisit your decision in 12 months. And then decide X at 12 months, with the option to revisit at (6-12 months).

For me, we went through five years of hell and fertility treatments and four losses before conceiving little guy on our own after my thyroid levels were fixed. I was OAD the first year, then open to trying on our own the next year, and now I’m thinking we’ll be OAD by default as I’m almost 40. I think there are lots of positives to OAD just as there are lots of positives to having a second (or more). It’s all about what works best and what you guys want for your family Enjoy your baby snuggles!!

 

[rainbow42]

@paulgilldrums I guess that’s the thing is that just because we may make a decision now, it’s not like we are set in stone in any way. We may have a conversation today saying OAD, but then in a year decide the opposite, and there is nothing in writing anywhere saying we have to stick with a decision. I guess I just need to be okay with our “plan” for a family being a little loose!

 

[whittney1234]

@rainbow42 Your thoughts on this will change a lot in the next years. My SO and I were pretty sold on OAD the first year, then baby becomes easier, they start walking, talking, they become very social, etc. You also forget the hardships of conception, birth, and fourth trimester… at one point around 2 yo we were on the fence and decided to go ahead with a second. Generally, second births are easier, and the transition from 1 to 2 is much smoother than 0 to 1. It was hands down the best decision for us.

All this to say it’s too early to even think about this. You’ll go back and forth a lot in the next years. Give yourself and your husband time to really want it and be ready for it, and if it never comes the answer might be OAD too.

 

[rainbow42]

@whittney1234 Thank you for your comment, given yours (and others answers) we definitely will be tabling the discussion for a later date, and just enjoy our current family of 3 for now! I don’t wanna be missing moments with my daughter just cause I’m stressing about a decision that doesn’t even need to be made yet!

 

[chosenremnant]

@rainbow42 Bear in mind the recommendation of 18 months from the World Health Organisation is its minimum, presumably under perfect circumstances. It's a while since I read it, but memory says up to 5 years from a full vaginal birth (which yours isn't).

 

[destiny48]

@rainbow42 I am OAD (80%) due to pre-e and post partum eclampsia as well. The trauma is real, and at the time almost 4 years ago, I was naive to the risks when it was happening. Now that I realize how high my BP was, and my liver issues etc, I find it really hard to dive back into that risk potential eyes wide open.

Docs say there’s a 20% chance it’ll happen again, and even so it’d be less intense and watched more closely. So if we do decide to go for it, I do think the most likely outcome is good for us… but man, it’s tough to dive into that gamble.

Anywho- agree with all other posters and reevaluate. I didn’t process my trauma until 18mo after birth (thanks covid)- so give yourself grace!