@sisi Clinical depression and anxiety - so “real” disabilities but not in terms of getting any sort of disability assistance unfortunately. Feels like both sets of parents just enabled the behavior to be honest. Either way - we don’t want our child responsible for their future sibling or vice versa and given our limited interactions with our siblings don’t think the risk is worth it
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Experience of people who have siblings - how have you felt about the size of your family of origin?
- Thread starter sisi
- Start date
@sisi I’m one of 3. For various reasons my parents were ill-equipped for parenthood, and 3 kids was completely overwhelming for them. We are also all developmentally disabled (I have autism and ADHD, sisters both have ADHD, we were all dxed in the 90s) as are/were both my parents (not dxed but it’s obvious). There was abuse (physical and emotional) and neglect. My mom is a regretful parent and says now if she’d known herself at all, she shouldn’t have had kids at all. She was constantly overwhelmed and very angry. It was already not going well- then my dad was severely brain injured and permanently disabled at the young age of 42.
Me and my next youngest sister were planned, youngest was an accident. I am 5 and 7 years older because I was a challenging baby/toddler (autism). I liked being that much older and was very helpful/parental, but I found my sisters being 2u2 very stressful and vowed then to never have kids close together.
Never wished for more siblings, I loved my sisters but wished I had stayed an only child lol (again bc of the autism - the noise in my house growing up was so difficult).
I’m not close at all with my remaining family and my dad and one sister died tragically before I was 25.
All of this has been highly influential on my decisions. I only have one child and am hesitant to even try for a 2nd (which probably wouldn’t happen anyway bc of my age/fertility issues) I think I would love having 2 in most ways but I worry about long term stability (mental health, my disabilities, financial concerns and god forbid if my husband or I died young or weren’t able to parent - both of our dads were super sick or disabled when we were young and our moms had to single parent, work, while also caretaking their spouse. I know if I only have one I can manage this).
Me and my next youngest sister were planned, youngest was an accident. I am 5 and 7 years older because I was a challenging baby/toddler (autism). I liked being that much older and was very helpful/parental, but I found my sisters being 2u2 very stressful and vowed then to never have kids close together.
Never wished for more siblings, I loved my sisters but wished I had stayed an only child lol (again bc of the autism - the noise in my house growing up was so difficult).
I’m not close at all with my remaining family and my dad and one sister died tragically before I was 25.
All of this has been highly influential on my decisions. I only have one child and am hesitant to even try for a 2nd (which probably wouldn’t happen anyway bc of my age/fertility issues) I think I would love having 2 in most ways but I worry about long term stability (mental health, my disabilities, financial concerns and god forbid if my husband or I died young or weren’t able to parent - both of our dads were super sick or disabled when we were young and our moms had to single parent, work, while also caretaking their spouse. I know if I only have one I can manage this).
@heloise23 Thanks for sharing! That sounds like a hard childhood in a lot of ways - I'm sorry you experienced that.
chaitealatte456789
New member
@sisi 1 sibling who is a year and a half older then me. We were 1 year apart in school. He is the oldest. I adore my brother and have always looked up to him, but he is a high achiever. Always good at everything and I often felt I was living in his shadows and I was the black sheep. But despite that he’s a great guy, so lucky to have him, and we have a great relationship. He lives near my parents and my mom is currently going through cancer treatment and he has been really helpful to her. I live far away so I’m not able to be physically present.
I did always feel like I wanted a sister. I know lots of people with sisters who are like their best friends and I was always really jealous of that. I’ve had a good tribe of friends everywhere I went and often had friends that are more like sisters, but I would have loved to really have one. Still wouldn’t have traded my brother though, just would have wanted another sibling that was a girl.
I’m about to have a second (a toddler girl and baby is a boy) If we could make it work financially for a third, I think I would do it.
I did always feel like I wanted a sister. I know lots of people with sisters who are like their best friends and I was always really jealous of that. I’ve had a good tribe of friends everywhere I went and often had friends that are more like sisters, but I would have loved to really have one. Still wouldn’t have traded my brother though, just would have wanted another sibling that was a girl.
I’m about to have a second (a toddler girl and baby is a boy) If we could make it work financially for a third, I think I would do it.
@chaitealatte456789 Thanks for sharing! I do hope that my girls are best friends especially if we stop at two, but I will say that literally all of my favorite men have exclusively sisters.
carriek2993
New member
@sisi I’m 1 of 3. I’m the youngest of 3 girls. We were all planned and all 2 years apart. My middle sister had developmental/intellectual disabilities. We all fought a lot growing up. However, I always wished I had a little sibling. I think I’ve just always had that nurturing gene. I honestly think my parents needed me to balance out the family. My oldest sister and my middle sister are polar opposites, but I have hobbies I bond with both sisters separately about.
I’ve always wanted 3 kids. I know my experience is unique because I had a sibling with disabilities, but we still had normal sibling experiences. We have 2 girls right now that are 2 years apart. I’m pretty sure I want a 3rd child still, but we will do a bigger age gap. 3-4 years instead. Mostly because we need my oldest to be in school, but I also would like to have both kids be a little older. We will see though, my husband is open to the idea but he’s leaning towards stopping at 2.
I’ve always wanted 3 kids. I know my experience is unique because I had a sibling with disabilities, but we still had normal sibling experiences. We have 2 girls right now that are 2 years apart. I’m pretty sure I want a 3rd child still, but we will do a bigger age gap. 3-4 years instead. Mostly because we need my oldest to be in school, but I also would like to have both kids be a little older. We will see though, my husband is open to the idea but he’s leaning towards stopping at 2.
@carriek2993 Thanks for sharing! I'm the same as you, we have 2 girls that are 2 years apart and if we ended up having a 3rd (though unlikely because my husband feels at his limit) it would be a 3-4 year age gap. How did you feel about having an all-girl family, and having all girls now?
carriek2993
New member
@sisi The funny thing is that when I was a kid I always wished I had a little brother specifically. I love having sisters though. My oldest sister has always been my biggest role model in life even when we didn’t get along. I always stole her clothes lol. She would take me out for ice cream when she was in college. When I graduated college we did a little traveling together. My husband has even lived with her and her husband for a few short stints when we were working jobs in different cities and in the process of moving. My middle sister and I bond over video games and anime. She’s always giving me recommendations or giving me her old games and movies. She still lives with my parents, but comes with them to every family event.
When I started having kids, I wanted a baby girl so bad. It’s what I’ve always known. Once I got pregnant with our second, I did kinda want a boy but secretly was hoping for another girl for the sister bond. If we decide to have a third, I do hope for a boy for that experience, but I would not be disappointed with another girl. My husband would definitely be a little disappointed at first with 3 girls, but he loves being a girl dad and would be over it quickly.
Sorry that’s probably more detail than you wanted but it’s an interesting topic I think! Also I think a lot of this depends on the parents too. I didn’t have the best childhood and it helps so much knowing I have two siblings that understand. I think had my parents been better equipped to be parents, it would’ve been an even better experience.
When I started having kids, I wanted a baby girl so bad. It’s what I’ve always known. Once I got pregnant with our second, I did kinda want a boy but secretly was hoping for another girl for the sister bond. If we decide to have a third, I do hope for a boy for that experience, but I would not be disappointed with another girl. My husband would definitely be a little disappointed at first with 3 girls, but he loves being a girl dad and would be over it quickly.
Sorry that’s probably more detail than you wanted but it’s an interesting topic I think! Also I think a lot of this depends on the parents too. I didn’t have the best childhood and it helps so much knowing I have two siblings that understand. I think had my parents been better equipped to be parents, it would’ve been an even better experience.
@carriek2993 Not too much detail, I appreciate it! I also wanted a girl the first time and I was pretty neutral the second time, but slightly leaning boy just for the different experience, while my husband has wanted it to be a girl every time. But now that we have two it's amazing watching their bond develop and I am happy for them having a sister. It's nice to hear that you enjoyed being one of three girls, if we ever end up going for a third.
powerchord
New member
@sisi I’m 1 of 2 from the same set of parents but my dad has an older child I don’t recognize as my brother because I didn’t grow up with him.
My brother I recognize and I are 5 years apart. He’s older.
We weren’t super close as kids and aren’t super close now. We live 20 minutes apart but basically only see each other at family functions. We talk maybe once or twice a week sometimes less.
He’s busy with his two kids and wife. I’m busy with my child and boyfriend.
We would love another child but we’re experiencing secondary infertility so it probably won’t happen due to the cost of fertility treatments and our ages.
My brother I recognize and I are 5 years apart. He’s older.
We weren’t super close as kids and aren’t super close now. We live 20 minutes apart but basically only see each other at family functions. We talk maybe once or twice a week sometimes less.
He’s busy with his two kids and wife. I’m busy with my child and boyfriend.
We would love another child but we’re experiencing secondary infertility so it probably won’t happen due to the cost of fertility treatments and our ages.
@powerchord Thanks for sharing - I'm sorry about the secondary infertility, that's really hard. I'm an only child because my parents experienced age-related secondary infertility, too.
@sisi I WISH more than anything my parents had more kids.
- I have two siblings
- built in friends who always do things with you and people you can always count on, learned a lot about sharing, compromising, being compassionate and caring, learned to be selfless, conflict resolution is easy. Cons, financially it’s harder to do more like travel or extracurricular activities but we still had a great deal of experiences, so not the end of the world. We were also very creative kids and made due with whatever was available. Dad passed away and my mom had to work more which is probably why financially it was more difficult
- I don’t think we were planned but cannot confirm
-3,6,9 years apart
-I wish we had more siblings indeed
-nope, never wished for less
- we’re all girls so maybe a brother but content with sisters too because we all go through similar things so more relatable.
- we’re all great and close, experienced a lot of trauma but we’ve always been really close and happy
- I have two right now (twins), ideally I’d love more if I’m capable I definitely will. I’d love a lot of kids, but realistically maybe 5?
- I have two siblings
- built in friends who always do things with you and people you can always count on, learned a lot about sharing, compromising, being compassionate and caring, learned to be selfless, conflict resolution is easy. Cons, financially it’s harder to do more like travel or extracurricular activities but we still had a great deal of experiences, so not the end of the world. We were also very creative kids and made due with whatever was available. Dad passed away and my mom had to work more which is probably why financially it was more difficult
- I don’t think we were planned but cannot confirm
-3,6,9 years apart
-I wish we had more siblings indeed
-nope, never wished for less
- we’re all girls so maybe a brother but content with sisters too because we all go through similar things so more relatable.
- we’re all great and close, experienced a lot of trauma but we’ve always been really close and happy
- I have two right now (twins), ideally I’d love more if I’m capable I definitely will. I’d love a lot of kids, but realistically maybe 5?
@sisi I am the middle child of 3 -- my sister is 22 months older and my brother (technically half brother) is 7.5 years younger. I think what's tough about adding children at any number is there are no guarantees. When it was just me and my sister, I definitely didn't get enough attention. My sister has a lot of mental health issues and was very demanding on my parents (who didn't support her well at all) and also very mean to me, which went unnoticed. It was very hard for me to decide to have a second child because I know first hand how one sibling can ruin everything for the other(s). My brother was a lovely addition and we got along fine and still do. We're not super close, but I can't say whether that's the age gap, the different parents and upbringing, different gender, or that we live so far apart.
hisnameisjesus
New member
isabellan7
New member
@sisi I’m the oldest of three — I have a brother and a sister. All children were planned. We’re about 2.5 years apart from each other.
I had good relationships with my siblings then and now. I did not wish for more or fewer siblings, I wished for parents that were more present and less stressed. Three was too many for my mom. She is not a high-energy person and I always felt like a nuisance for needing even basic things from her. She told me a couple of years ago that she thinks back on the time when we were little as the best time of her life. I simply don’t believe her. She seemed so, so miserable.
Also, my sister was so obviously the favorite (and still is) and that has been painful my whole life. I don’t blame my sister for this and have let a lot of it go, but it’s never not going to sting to think back in parts of my childhood.
I have one and am probably done. I feel very maxed out right now and the one thing I never want to be as a mom is super stressed (in an obvious, palpable way, like my mom was). I don’t want my son to feel like he can’t need things from me because I’m too overwhelmed, and it’s hard for me to imagine how I would pull that off with another kid in the mix.
I had good relationships with my siblings then and now. I did not wish for more or fewer siblings, I wished for parents that were more present and less stressed. Three was too many for my mom. She is not a high-energy person and I always felt like a nuisance for needing even basic things from her. She told me a couple of years ago that she thinks back on the time when we were little as the best time of her life. I simply don’t believe her. She seemed so, so miserable.
Also, my sister was so obviously the favorite (and still is) and that has been painful my whole life. I don’t blame my sister for this and have let a lot of it go, but it’s never not going to sting to think back in parts of my childhood.
I have one and am probably done. I feel very maxed out right now and the one thing I never want to be as a mom is super stressed (in an obvious, palpable way, like my mom was). I don’t want my son to feel like he can’t need things from me because I’m too overwhelmed, and it’s hard for me to imagine how I would pull that off with another kid in the mix.
wildlifeturner
New member
@sisi
- How many siblings do you have? I have three siblings. I am the youngest.
- What were the upsides and downsides of the size of your family of origin, in childhood and now? Upsides- always a fun, lively atmosphere in childhood. As an adult, there is a kinship among all of us and 3/4 of us are best friends. Very special to live life alongside people who had the same childhood as you.
- Were all the children in your family of origin planned? Yes. though my mom wanted a fourth child and my father did not (yet here i am).
- What are the age gaps? We are all 2.5-3 years apart.
- Have you ever wished for more siblings? I wanted a younger sibling when I was little.
- Have you ever wished for fewer siblings? No.
- Have you ever wished for a sibling of a different gender than the one(s) you have? No. We are 2 girls and 2 boys.
- What are your relationships with your siblings and parents like? Very close. One of my siblings is not as close with the rest of us, but the rest of us are very close.
- How many children did you decide to have, or how many are you deciding between? I have two kids and am torn about having a third- mostly because I have high standards of living and do not want to be financially stretched, and I'm also carrying weight from first two pregnancies and do not feel my healthiest.
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