Experience of people who have siblings - how have you felt about the size of your family of origin?

[sisi]

I was thinking about the thread asking only children (like myself!) about their childhoods and feelings on being an only - here's my answer - and saw someone in another thread saying they were a third child and felt it was detrimental. As someone without siblings, I always wonder about the experience and wishes of those with. We have two and are probably done mostly because my husband feels at his limit, but a big part of me still wishes we could have a third. And I wonder - how are my children likely to feel about being a family of 4 vs 5? So some things I would be curious to hear:

• How many siblings do you have?
• What were the upsides and downsides of the size of your family of origin, in childhood and now?
• Were all the children in your family of origin planned?
• What are the age gaps?
• Have you ever wished for more siblings?
• Have you ever wished for fewer siblings?
• Have you ever wished for a sibling of a different gender than the one(s) you have?
• What are your relationships with your siblings and parents like?
• How many children did you decide to have, or how many are you deciding between?

Thanks in advance for sharing!

 

[rabbitrevenge]

@sisi I love this question! I’m the oldest of five, three girls and two boys. We’re all very close in age, I was six years old when my youngest sibling was born.

Now that we’re all in our twenties we’re very close. I live with one of my sisters, and we all live in the same city which is stroke of luck. It means we all hang out at least weekly, and if not all together, then different “combos” of siblings haha. I’m crossing my fingers while writing this as I know I’m very lucky, and this sort of relationship between us all won’t last forever.

We’re really close with our parents too, who host dinner at their house once weekly.

If anything, we would have loved more siblings I think. We were all planned and raising children was my Mum’s whole life.

I’ve got one child who is now eight, and trying to decide whether to have more, despite the age gap. I always thought I would have lots of children, but the circumstances around having my daughter were so difficult, and I found being a parent a lot more challenging than I’d hoped. I would have loved to have had a family as big as the one I grew up in, to give my daughter that experience. Regardless, I know there’s no guarantee of how sibling relationships will look.

 

[sisi]

@rabbitrevenge That sounds so idyllic! I'm sure your daughter will benefit from having such a big extended family, too.

 

[epalmer]

@sisi Family of 4, me and my brother are 3.5y apart. In childhood it was wonderful to have a playmate but sibling rivalry (felt mainly by me I think) was a constant. As a kid I didn't really wish for more siblings so much as I longed to have a sister. As an adult I really wish I had more siblings, primarily because my brother is somewhat distant from the family. All the responsibility for my parents falls on me and it feels like I have all the burdens of being an only child without any of the perks.

I'm currently pregnant with my third.

 

[sisi]

@epalmer Aw, it's sweet to hear that you longed for a sister - I'm glad I could give my girls each other and so far they adore each other. But yeah, having just two puts more pressure on the one sibling relationship and that's part of why I've wanted three, though it's pretty unlikely it will happen for us. Thanks for your input!

 

[chasingod]

@sisi I'm a woman and I have two older brothers. One brother is 6 years older and the other is 4 years older. When I was very small I was closer to my oldest brother. That changed over the years and I was VERY close to the middle brother for a long time. The brothers had a close relationship when younger and some rivalry later on. Now we are all pretty close, visit each other frequently, and we all have kids. Each of us has 2 kids, although I think we all think 3 is the perfect number lol. Our parents weren't perfect but all in all very loving and always on our side and I think that made a pretty happy childhood.

I always wanted a younger sister but I sadly never got one. But all in all I was pretty happy to be the youngest lol.

 

[sisi]

@chasingod Interesting that you all had 2 kids despite growing up with 3 and thinking 3 is ideal! What's the reason(s) for that, if you don't mind answering?

 

[chasingod]

@sisi One of my brothers might still have a third or fourth child. That probably depends on finding a suitable house for the whole family. They live in a rented flat atm. Also, I have no idea whether his wife would be up to it.

The other brother met his wife late in life and she had a child at 38, and one at 40. I think they're grateful for having two healthy happy childhood at all and don't want to push their luck.

And for me... I think two children make more sense for our life but I kind of would still want a third, but my husband is very much against that. Which makes sense. But still lol.

Oh that reminds me, that I (the 3rd child of my parents) wasn't planned.

 

[macb]

@sisi I (F) have one sister, who is younger than me by four years. Our relationship is good now, but it wasn’t always.

Four years was a hard age gap when we were younger, it didn’t help in making us close because we were pretty much always in different stages of our lives. It wasn’t until we both became adults that we really got close and could actually relate to one another.

Both of us always wanted there to be a third kid (ideally a brother, since it was just us two girls). We always felt kind of lonely, when we were mad at each other we wished there was someone else. But, that could have been exasperated by the age gap between us.

Once we became adults I haven’t wished for another sibling as often as I used to. When I met my husband, who has 3 other siblings and is a triplet, I would occasionally wish I had another but not nearly as intensely as I used to.

I’ve only had one child so far, but pregnancy, labor, and the newborn experience have been so awful that I know I cannot emotionally handle getting pregnant again (mental illness is so fun!!). My husband and I are strongly considering adopting two more children in the future. I’ve always wanted three because of my experience with only one sibling

 

[sisi]

@macb Yeah, that is my big concern about just stopping at two, that it puts more pressure on that one sibling relationship. That's interesting that you wanted another sibling more in childhood than adulthood - it was opposite for me as an only child, where I always wanted a sibling but more intensely so in adulthood. Thanks for answering!

My husband is a lawyer for kids in abuse/neglect cases and so knows a lot about fostering, which we would maybe consider fostering/foster to adopt in the future if we just stay with our two. But considering that feels separate from the question of having a third, to me.

 

[melissauk]

@sisi I am one of three, all planned, each 2.5-3 years apart. I definitely never wished for more siblings - my parents still tell stories about how I was unhappy getting siblings. I have good relationships with my siblings, but I’m much closer to my (unrelated) friends. My husband is also one of three, but with larger age gaps between his siblings and is close with them. We are most likely OAD because our LO is a unicorn child and the light of our lives. I’m here because DH is #2 curious, but doesn’t feel strongly about it.

I had a pretty good childhood overall, but wouldn’t say I’m close with my parents, and my siblings are not either. My siblings and I have always been very aware of who the favorite was, despite my parents repetitively denying favoritism. I love that our only will never have to go through that. My parents marriage also was not strong enough for three kids. They are still together, but I can’t remember a time when they were happy. My husband and I are thrilled with our little family of three, the balance we have, and the strength of our marriage with an only. That being said, I am not saying having three kids is bad. It’s just not right for me.

 

[sisi]

@melissauk That's interesting - I read a study that found that even the perception of parental favoritism has really lasting negative effects on sibling relationships - did it get in the way of yours and your siblings' relationships? Thanks for sharing!

 

[melissauk]

@sisi It definitely did. I’m much closer to the non-favorite sibling, who feels the same way. Working on improving my relationship with the favorite; I know it’s not my sibling’s fault, but it’s harder to do that now that we’re all busy adults with our own lives.

 

[christopher11]

@sisi

1. 4, three older sisters and one younger bro
2. Upsides is having a community. I liked that it was never boring, always have someone to talk to and hang with, get advice, relate when talking about parents, etc. Downsides, being compared to and if a parent shows a favorite.
3. All planned, they wanted a boy badly
4. In order... 5, 4, 5, 1
5. No, four was enough
6. No.
7. I have broz and sisterz
8. Good overall, we are all pretty close. I am very close to my sisters than brother
9. I have one... Thinking about maybe another when she turns 2.5-3. I don't think I cna do more than two. Maybe if I was younger and could spread age out more and had a lot more money but one is already tiring lol

 

[sisi]

@christopher11 That sounds fun! And pretty big age gaps except for the last two. Did that create any resentment among the girls that your parents wanted a boy so much? And with stopping at 2, do you think about advantages and disadvantages your kids will have with a smaller family?

 

[christopher11]

@sisi My mom started at 19 when she had kids so I think they could go with later she gaps, plus they didn't have much money when they first married.

No it didn't. Second, no because money and energy lol

 

[we124982]

@sisi 1) Two brothers

2) enjoyed having siblings as a child and am still close with my older brother and his family

3) Yes

4) 2.5 years older, 10 years younger

5) I wasn’t thrilled to have a much younger brother at first, but I have enjoyed it since he turned 9-10.

6) No, I like being the only girl

7) I’m close with my parents and my older brother. I get along well with my younger brother but we’re not close. The age gap is such that we really didn’t grow up together in the same way that my older brother and I did. He’s also not close with my older brother.

8) Two kids with a three year age gap

 

[sisi]

@we124982 Thank you for sharing! Seems like you mostly grew up as having one sibling and have replicated that in your own family.

 

[scrambled]

@sisi I'm one of four siblings. Older brother, me(F) two younger sisters.

Honestly it's hard to compare to a life you don't know. I guess we didn't have as much money as other families with less kids (lots of camping holidays, never went abroad for example) I didn't really notice it untill adulthood though. We certainly never felt deprived as kids. We all went through phases of being best friends and falling out over the years. I remember Christmases being epic, with the 4 of us sneaking into each other's rooms to open our stockings before mum and dad woke up.
We're still all pretty close now. We're pretty scattered across the country but speak often, and meet up a few times a year. We tell the same childhood stores over and over, and tend to regress back to acting like kids when we do all get together!

As far as I know we were all planned!

8 years between the oldest and youngest, mostly evenly spread out.

Yes I wished for more siblings

Never wished for less

I wished for a younger brother as I didnt have one. Never wished for an older sister though.

I always wanted a lot of children, four seemed a lot, but I'd settle for 3. OH and I eventually compromised on 2, but then ended up with just the one.
I'm the only one of my siblings to just have one, all the others have 2+.

 

[sisi]

@scrambled That sounds like a very sweet childhood. Interesting that you had 3 siblings and wished for even more! Your child, I'm sure, will benefit from having a big extended family as an only. But that must be wild for you to have grown up with such a big family and now be part of a small one.