Expensive gift from bf parents:

[sammy707]

TLDR: daughter received expensive gift from bf parents and I’m feeling it’s from a manipulative place vs an appropriately generous one. Opinions wanted while we wait for our counseling appt.

My daughter is 16, been dating her bf about 9 mo.

She just started her junior yr (11th grade) doing an online program, just for more freedom. (No tech focus).

His mom sent her a text saying they “heard she needed a special laptop for school… (they) bought her a with all the bells and whistles…”.
They never reached out to me to ask if said gift was ok or required specifications.

She didn’t need a “special” laptop AND her boyfriend knew that her uncle was taking her to buy one. (They both worked for him over the summer).

His parents have huge marital/family problems where dad gets mad at them and threatens to take away all the things he bought for them. Instead of apologizing, he buys them more stuff.

I can afford to buy her a laptop. Uncle offered bc he can EASILY afford it and she was working for him.

Left wondering why boyfriend mentioned laptop to his parents at all and if I should even let her keep it. (We do have to exchange it for correct specs). Receipt is $1,3100.
*I was planning on a $500 laptop.

As mentioned above, we are awaiting counseling appt, but it’s not for two weeks.

Appreciate any constructive insight here! Thx!

 

[hinesyo]

@sammy707 This is just an odd situation. I don’t know if I would go as far to take away such an expensive laptop, but I would definitely sit her down and tell her that under no circumstances can her bf’s parents or bf use it as “leverage” to get her to do anything, and she should tell you immediately if they try to.

 

[sammy707]

@hinesyo Yes, great point! I did talk to her right away when she told me. I talked to her about how the dad does that toxic cycle with the kids and wife and talked to her about love bombing and grooming (not that I think all grooming is sexual…).

She really does not want to give it back, which I understand. She feels like it would be rude

 

[elyong]

@sammy707 She needs to know that it is not rude to return a gift that makes her uncomfortable.

Accepting such a large gift within a romantic relationship can send the wrong message, making it seem more serious than it is.

Also, what about her Uncle? I have had people usurp gifts that I was planning to gift and it always felt horrible.

 

[sammy707]

@elyong She’s not uncomfortable about receiving it at all.

Uncle was surprised and wonders same thing as I am, perhaps not accepting it. He gave her $500 anyway.

 

[loverofgod33]

@sammy707 Nope nope nope-ity nope nope. Laptop goes back. Especially since they didn't talk to you first. So much lack of respect. All kinds of red flags here. "Sorry, but we already had planned on purchasing something specific for our daughter that will meet her and our needs." Or lie and say you had already purchased it.

Super weird people.

 

[sammy707]

@loverofgod33 I agree, this is very weird!

 

[dv2012]

@sammy707 At best, they overstepped and you want to establish a firm boundary wherein they communicate with you before bestowing expensive gifts on your kid. At worst, this item will be used as leverage/manipulation.
If the kids break up (it happens) or the parents decided for another reason they want to laptop back in the middle of the school year your daughter could be SOL.
I get that daughter will be upset about having to return it but she can make you out to “be the bad guy” to avoid upsetting BFs parents if that’s what it takes.
Good luck!

 

[sammy707]

@dv2012 Yes, me being the bad guy is the only way if I make her return it.

Thx for the thoughtful reply!

 

[postimpatica]

@sammy707 I'm surprised a $1,310 laptop doesn't meet specs, but a $500 laptop does. A laptop that costs more than twice as much should have better everything in it.

If they want to throw money at you, pshh, take it. The only concern is whether they want the laptop back after she breaks up with him. She should use a cloud service so no personal data beyond passwords is stored on the laptop. And, in fact, she can use a USB stick password protector so the laptop doesn't even have that.

 

[sammy707]

@postimpatica They bought a Mac book. But yes, otherwise, any new laptop meets the specs. We just need it to be compatible with our laptops, like you said, in case they want it back or she had to switch back to one of ours.

 

[colthurst123]

@sammy707 Send it back. This is a ploy to put a handle on your kid. Nothing is worth that grief. It will forever be used for leverage and control, besides being presumptuous that this would be okay in the first place.

I know it's hard to give it back but the alternative is "waiting for the other shoe to drop" on true intentions. It's quite easy not to offend the giver by just stating you appreciate the thought but have a family policy on not accepting expensive gifts.

 

[sammy707]

@colthurst123 Well said. I definitely have another convo to have with her tonight.