Expecting 3, what’s 2 more?!

[enoshimajunko]

I am currently pregnant with triplets, due in May but I’m expecting them in March-ish (that would be 30 weeks which is my goal). I also have 3 other kids (3, 20m, 20m). For some unexpected reasons my cousins children (11,M and 6,F) need a place to stay for an indefinite period of time. And unfortunately I’m the only person in the family able and pseudo-willing to do it, and I just really don’t want them to go into foster care. So that’s a thing. And I don’t even know what to ask… I’m overwhelmed and have no idea what I need to do/plan. I’m honestly not sure this is in anyone’s best interest but it’s me or foster care for them and I hate that thought.

 

[chrismarklee]

@enoshimajunko Oh this is so heartbreaking and Your heart is in the right place, but this would be a dangerous situation For not only your mental health but for your marriage and for your other children who still have such high needs as toddlers.

That 11 year old boy is on the cusp of puberty. And Middle school boys are some of the most challenging behaviors to deal with, and they can lash out and harm little kids.

I have triplets and three (much) older kiddos. You are going to be living in the NICU for a few weeks once they are born and will need someone to heavily step in to watch your little ones, Possibly even live with you.

Triplets are suuuper high risk at the end. Towards the end of my triplet pregnancy, I went on hospital bed rest for an entire month before they were born. And even though they were born at thirty two weeks, we still spent six weeks in the NICU after that.

The amount of PTSD that comes from the NICU experience coupled with the extreme sleep deprivation experienced the first 3-4 months is going to be a lot to handle on its own, without even considering twin toddlers entering their tantruming stage or your 3rd toddler who will be very vulnerable to experiencing neglect. And you won't intend to be neglectful. But I can tell you as a mother of triplets....you will not even be able to meet all of the emotional demands of three infants. NONE of us triplet moms could. Some of us coped with that better than others, but Lots of divorce and mental illness in our group as a result.

I also want to prepare you that having triplets means also very likely having one or two babies with special needs. Since prematurity is one hundred percent guaranteed, it comes with risks. We have a phenomenally high amount of children in our triplet moms groups that have cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism, behavior and developmental disorders, etc.

The litany of doctor's appointments and specialists you are going to have to deal with alone is going to fill your calendar. Even if your babies are healthy, there is a ton of follow up due to prematurity.

Sure, there are moms who had triplets and were able to carry them thirty six weeks. They are RARE. Sure, there are mom's who have triplets and not a single one of them has any kind of issue. Again, RARE.

This is such a tough position to be in. And I know you want to help but goodness I wish someone had told me what I just told you so I could have gone in better mentally prepared.

My older children were all teenagers and I still couldn't be there for them when my triplets were infants. They struggled HARD emotionally. It was hard for all of us that first year.

 

[shauna]

@chrismarklee Not op, but you've made me feel a whole lot more normal reading about these challenges being common with triplets and siblings. I've been beating myself up for not coping, and it's hard not having anyone to talk with who has been through the same thing.

 

[havert]

@shauna I didn’t have any other kids when I had my trio, and their first year of life was easily the worst/hardest year of mine. It does get better, but please don’t beat yourself up! I also had pretty bad PPD but attributed the way I was feeling to just triplets simply being hard. Things changed immensely for me when I started medication for PPD. Are you in the Moms of Triplets and your year group on FB? If not, those are amazing resources and support!

 

[shauna]

@havert Thank you! I thought I replied to this, but turns out I never hit post! Yep, I'm on the 2023 triplet fb group. I've been accessing some perinatal mental health support too. It will take a while to get things sorted, but glad that I recognised an issue outside of just "having triplets". Notnan easy distinction to make!!

 

[enliven]

@enoshimajunko You have three* toddlers and are about to add three infants. Frankly, taking in two additional children, who have all but been abandoned by their parents, seems insane.

We barely kept our heads above water with triplets alone. I can't imagine how you're going to pull off eight children when six of them are under 3 years old.

 

[kidcrash]

@enoshimajunko Going from three to six in a short period of time is going to be very hard and your cousins kids are going through something traumatic by losing their parents (regardless of what was going on at home.) I have a hard time seeing how you would be in a place to give them stable and consistent parenting for a while. Six kids under three is an immense task and the older two will need more than the average 11y and 6y. I know foster care is scary but there are good foster parents out there too.

 

[chris35]

@enoshimajunko I applaud you for considering this, but you MUST say no. Those kids need a parent who can take them to and from doctor's appointments, to therapists, to after-school activities etc. That isn't you. Imagine yourself 6 months from now with 3 needy newborns, 2 needy 2 year-olds, and an older toddler who you would have to wrangle into a car, just to be able to pick up the 6 or 11 year old. How would you even walk the 6 year old into a doctor's appointment while wrangling 3 toddlers and 3 newborns?? It's a safety issue. And think of how exhausted you will be caring for 3 babies and 3 toddlers. You just won't have the bandwidth, even if you have 1 or more full time nannies in the mix.

 

[earatha]

@enoshimajunko So as someone with experience in the foster system, having both fostered before and my current job is placement stabilization of foster homes...

I would let the kids go into care. You can always be involved in their lives, you can always stay in touch with the foster parents and take them on weekends or something, DCFS encourages families to be involved whenever possible. You have no clue how long those kids will be in foster care. Are you prepared for it to be 2, 3, 4, 5+ years? Indefinite?

I see so so so many kids places with relatives where the situation is obviously too much for the relatives to handle and the kids suffer and the family suffers. I have one family where the kids I am seeing are placed with their aunt, who has three adult children, and there are 5 siblings that she refuses to split up or let anyone else take care of. There's so many supervision issues, none of the kids are able to get the individual help they need because the family is just surviving day to day, there's suspicions of sexual abuse between the children in the home...

Kids going into foster care isn't the same as dumping them in an orphanage and leaving them to be abused. Most traditional (term for people who are licensed to foster and take any kids, not just relatives) placements are really great and really involved. It can also be an opportunity for kids to get a clean break from the situation that caused them pain and find other people to build relationships with, which can be a really great thing.

The family isn't banned from seeing them, and it is often a really positive and healthy dynamic when the extended family supports a different foster family than have the extended family force themselves into an unsustainable situation. I have kids that are with traditional "stranger" placements where the biological grandparents take them for weekends or outings, do regular face times, invite the grandparents or aunts and uncles over for holidays.... The foster parents love the extra help! The only times I have seen the bio family get shut out is when 1. They're also abusive to the children like the parents were or 2. They try and get around the DCFS plan for the parents by sneaking the kids to have extra contact with the parents that they aren't supposed to.

Also, if the placement they go to doesn't work out, you can always take them at a later date once the dust settles a bit. Family is ALWAYS prioritized over traditional, and I've had kids in traditional stranger placements where Aunt So-And-So who has only met the children once in 15 years takes the kids out of a healthy home they've lived in for 3 years because she suddenly took an interest in the kids.

Edit: If you are determined to keep them regardless, I would recommend getting licensed and taking classes on trauma. Not sure how connected you are to the kids parents, but if you are going to foster, the kids have to come first.

 

[katrina2017]

@earatha Totally agree with this. OP you are being super selfless and compassionate and genuinely wanting the best for them which is so admirable. But foster care doesn’t mean you won’t see them and you can absolutely ensure they’re being cared for properly without taking them in.

Physical care is only one aspect, they will need emotional and mental health support which you will be better able to give them with fewer responsibilities. Also may want to consider that newborn triplets might not be easy on these kids’ sleep and mental health

 

[enoshimajunko]

@earatha Thank you. We are definitely still deciding. It’s a lot to take in all at once especially with everything else we have going on. Thank you for talking about the options of still seeing them even if they are in traditional foster care, that was definitely a fear of they go into a home and we basically never see them again.

I am not close with their parents, maybe their mom (if you could call it close) but as the child of a parent suffering from addiction I know how harmful it can be for kids to be around and I don’t want that for them. Their dad is my cousin and he’s a vile person tbh.

 

[earatha]

@enoshimajunko It's absolutely a lot. Having twins, being faced with the decision to take in family's kids, and then ALSO having 3 young kids yourself... Any one of those three factors is overwhelming, let alone all three!

If they are placed in a traditional home, just reach out to the caseworker to discuss that you would like to be involved in the kids lives.

For me personally, I was a foster parent because my mom (who I am currently estranged from) was, and had a teenage girl. My mom didn't want to deal with the girl and sent her to her biological mother's house for weekends because my mom "didn't want to deal with her". She was caught, there was an investigation, and since I already had a close relationship with the girl, they asked me first since there were no safe family members. I was told I basically had 30 minutes to decide to either take her in or she would be moved to another school district.

I took her in, and I thought "okay, I work with foster families for my job, I know her, I got this" and it was way harder than expected. There was a stretch of time where she had a doctor's appointment or caseworker appointment or CASA appointment every single weekday for two straight weeks.

Even if the kids are fine and manageable, dealing with the rigamarole of foster care is time consuming and emotionally exhausting. It puts a huge strain on families, and the scrutiny for non-licensed foster parents (usually family) is higher and more intensive. You have to use the state Medicare, so any doctors appointments require 400 calls to see who takes it. The kids are often enrolled in therapy or other services (like what I do) which often require driving and appointments. The kids have scheduled visitation, which will require availability and restructuring your day. Last minute changes often happen. It's a lot of extra work, and I don't know you, maybe you're a lot stronger than I am, but I would BREAK dealing with that + the extra struggles of the kids that now have trauma + your own little ones + twin newborns/babies.

If you're a caring and loving person, it can absolutely feel like a failure or an act of cruelty to say "no" to a situation like this. There are many times I have to have very real conversations with well-meaning and amazing and loving foster parents who are very clearly drowning but are determined to keep up the situation anyway because they are afraid of the unknown and what they might be putting the kids into. Many times, when overwhelmed foster parents I see make the decision to let go, everyone is happier for it. The kids often wind up in homes that are better suited to give them one on one attention and the foster parents no longer have to carry on with an impossible juggling act.

Sometimes being realistic about the circumstances and saying "no" is the more compassionate and loving option.

I hope my tone here is not coming off as patronizing or cold towards your situation. At the end of the day, you are going to know what you can handle and what you are capable of far more than I would. I just see this scenario often and not everyone has the experience with the foster care system to know what they're getting into beforehand.

If this is ever something you want to talk about more on, please feel free to message me and we can discuss more at length. Especially if you do decide to foster and want to talk about it, there's no expiration date on that offer. No matter what, it's a hard decision with a complicated answer.

Sometimes kind people need "permission", so to speak, to say 'no", and my intention with writing all this to you was just to give you that permission, not talk you out of it one way or another.

 

[abbalovesyou]

@enoshimajunko Also pregnant with Triplets and expecting them in March! I used to work in foster care as well....

Will this be considered a kinship placement? So like your home will be opened as a foster home specifically for this kinship placement? In my state, kinship placements also have to take the required training as a foster parent but they can take placement of the children immediately once background and home assessment is passed. The coveat to that is that you'd be unpaid until training is complete. If this is the case, get the training going and finish up ASAP so you can be paid. I'm in OK and here daycare is an option for foster children until they are 13. Do you work? If so, daycare should be an option for before/after school care should be coveted by the state which would help with getting them to/from school and social interaction. Plus during breaks, meals and plenty of play time. You can also look into respite providers that can take the children occasionally to give you a break and allow your core unit to have some bonding time, if that's something that you need. If either of the children have any mental health issues or higher medical needs, your state's DHS might have a difficulty of care payment which would just help you monetarily wise. The children should also be on state insurance.

Sometimes the state will push for a guardianship type situation to avoid providing all these accommodations. I'd seek an attorney to help see what would be the best option for you or if they can get any extra help for you guys if guardianship is what has been decided.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have, I'm not an expert but I did work in the field for about 5 years so I know quite a bit about it!

Eta: I hope you can get some positive feedback, I think you can do it but you do need proper supports and the state should provide that to you if they are involved.

 

[enoshimajunko]

@abbalovesyou Thank you! I will look into a lawyer now, and start the training. As far as I have heard they were saying guardianship so we will see. The father won’t be in the picture for the rest of their childhood and their mom is currently addicted to some pretty heavy drugs so we aren’t really sure how long this placement will be, but it’s assumed for a long while. I don’t currently work, and don’t plan to until my youngests are in school so I’ll be home whenever needed, though finding someone to provide breaks for us to bond would be nice since I’ll likely have them before my triplets even arrive.

 

[bobfeed123]

@enoshimajunko I think just the triplets would be overwhelming for the first few years. Those 2 children will likely need more than you are able to give them.

 

[majordadsage]

@enoshimajunko Find someone else

Cry, do whatever you need

You won't be able

 

[enoshimajunko]

@majordadsage There’s no one else except foster care.

 

[shauna]

@enoshimajunko I just had triplets and it is extremely challenging and exhausting. I was on bedrest for many weeks in the lead up to delivery, they were in the NICU and special care for 4 and a half weeks, and since they've been home it has been so grueling. We only have one older child, 21 months, and we feel completely stretched to our absolute limit.

I think some of the advice you've received here from people in the know when it comes to foster care, have given you some really sage advice on how to still be a positive part of the children's lives without overdoing it in a situation that naturally leads to overdoing it (triplets)

 

[lisa]

@enoshimajunko You’re a hero for considering this.

I am holding positive thoughts for you and every one of these children.

 

[havert]

@enoshimajunko I think it’s commendable that you’re willing to even consider doing this, but as someone who’s been through having triplets, I honestly think that taking on two pre-teens in a foster situation is a terrible idea right now. I had no other children, and even so the triplets’ first year was SO hard. Like you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to repeat it hard. And that’s with extensive family support on my end (my mom loved in and lived with us to help). Add in 3 other toddlers, and I don’t see how you could possibly give all of the kids the attention they need. These kids will come with the extra weight of having been removed from their home and everything they’ve known, having addict and unavailable parents, etc and I don’t think there’s any way you’d be able to give them the attention they need and deserve to start to heal while also caring for SIX kids under 3. It’s not fair to those kids, or your bio kids to take this on right now. The next year+ is going to be purely survival