Exchanges

D

dod2017

New member
How many people here do exchanges / start time at school end? I would prefer when my daughter starts going to school that it be our exchange spot because it is a very high conflict situation and I think it would be nice for him to not have that extra time to berate me / say mean things in front of our daughter. Our trial got moved from December to March because I’m very sick but my attorney mentioned thinking about how our exchanges may change when she starts kindergarten. Right now he lives about an hour away and he has rotating Wednesday overnights- well he is supposed to rotate Wednesday overnight then Wednesday date night but he doesn’t exercise his date nights. On Wednesdays I drive her there and she gets there around 6PM/ sleeps all the way there / has a hard time at preschool Thursday AM’s so Wednesday has been a point of contention.

Anyways, I suggested in mediation that his custody will start at school P/U time fridays and On his Wednesdays which he flipped out about. He also is refuting pretty much every point of my parenting plan but we are looking to rotate holidays yearly meaning like thanksgiving it would be Wednesday evening to Friday evening or would carry into the weekend if it was his weekend. He says on his year he still wants her for sometime but he can’t be expected to take thanksgiving or the day after thanksgiving off…

This would mean if it was his weekend she would go Wednesday night for her overnight and come back home Thursday morning…go Thursday night for thanksgiving and come back Friday morning…then go back Friday night for the weekend. I would hope a judge could see that isn’t what is in the “ best interest,” of our child. At what point do they tell him his work schedule is less important than her? He says his only other option is to never have her thanksgiving and that isn’t fair to him.

Have you had a judge rule school as the exchange point when one parent opposed it?

I have been the one to accommodate to his demands for years because I was afraid of being labeled as difficult / healing from his emotional abuse and still scared of his reaction when things don’t go his way. It irritates me that I spend 100’s of dollars every month transporting her when he decided to move and he has paid zero child support in 4 years and I feel like he is never willing to compromise. The mediator told him he was off base in many of his arguments and stances and he didn’t care. He actually fifteen minutes in called him on his anger issues and I’m hoping a judge will notice that too and finally see the situation for what it has been.
 
@dod2017 We do exchanges at school based on start/end times.

Its the absolute freaking best. Did roughly 7 years with the driving back and forth to other parties house nearly 30 miles away (had an extra year and a half thanks to covid).

Even just putting the distance aside since I have primary and am the one close to the school; I truly cannot even begin to explain to you how much my mental health improved when I started being able to go literal months without ever seeing or interacting with my EX.

Its. The. Best.
 
@katrina2017 Ugh! This is what I want! She is still a few years from starting k because she has a late October birthday! How did you get ex to agree to “ all,” of the driving after you guys shared it for so long? This would be the greatest outcome for me!
 
@dod2017 Long and short is: she pretty much shot herself in the foot at every turn and didn't have much of a leg to stand on. Won't get into the details but she had a series of incidents when we split. Not enough to be declared unfit but enough that therapy was mandated by the court and she agreed to let me be primary provided I not fight her on 50/50 physical.

She remarried and moved to basically the edge of the line where she would have gotten standard possession if she'd gone any further just a few months after everything was finalized. That was a rough 7 years.

When time for school came around she actually tried to sue me for primary custody and change things to standard possession so she could put him in school where she lived and I would only get him first, third, and fifth weekend.

Suffice it to say...that didn't work out so well for her.
 
@katrina2017 Okay! Makes sense. I can’t even find standard possession for our state and county but I’m pretty sure I read the standards they go off of and they don’t factor in a weekday overnight if the other parent lives more than 15 miles away from me or the school which he does. It sucks because I get he wants to see her more than every other weekend, but when it comes down to it he doesn’t even exercise his dinner visitation because it “ is too inconvenient and expensive for him.” I get stuck because I try to set aside all my anger and resentment I have for him and focus on her….but I think he is going to have to be willing to put a little more effort in and not have everything fall perfectly around his schedule.
 
@dod2017 My coparent’s parenting time begins Friday after school and ends Monday at drop off 3 weekends a month. We never meet for exchanges during the school year unless there isn’t school on one of those days. Works out well since we are HC
 
@dod2017 Yes, he has to drop them off at school on Mondays. He used to drop them off at my house instead but I asked the judge to order him to stop doing that and take them directly to school.
 
@3dobermans No it isn’t. I requested to have all weekday parenting time during the school year and one weekend a month, I offered him a third weekend instead of having Wednesday nights. EOWE and one overnight a week would have been standard. In the summer we do every other week.
 
@dod2017 At school exchanges are a must. I refuse to speak to my ex outside of our court appointed app (which he despises), specifically for the same reasons as you. He still berates, belittles and criticizes my parenting on a regular basis. He had to make arrangements for before and after school care on his time and also was angry at me for not “working with him”. He wanted 50/50 with no child support but I knew he would still expect me to carry the responsibility of any arrangements needed.
My suggestion to you would be to stand your ground. My own attorney tried to get me to back down in an attempt to avoid trial. I stood my ground and he agreed on the things I stood firm on. Document everything, especially if you have incidents of him being difficult and not compromising. You do not have to be the one to agree to his whims. If he sees you’re being strong and is risking going to trial if HE doesn’t agree to your terms (which sound reasonable) then he may back off and agree. I think just as much as my attorney tried to get me to drop stuff, my exes attorney would be doing the same to him, encouraging him to settle to prevent going in front of the judge and risking losing anyway. If you’re on TikTok I suggest family court corner. She has a lot of good verbiage and wording to use so that the focus stays on the child and their well being. Becoming educated in how to deal with this type of personality is your biggest defense. If at all possible go as little to no contact as possible. Trying to reason with the ex is the definition of insanity. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Just don’t even engage. It’s useless with them. I think a lot of high conflict situations, that the judge would prefer that exchanges be done at school.
 
@mlgprogamer117 Yes! He originally served me with papers to establish paternity in like March I believe…and he still has never even done the paperwork to be put on her birth certificate. He was also filing for a parenting plan ETC but never came up with one. We spent months litigating a temporary plan that ONLY laid out the days. He is fighting for joint legal custody and my attorney is dumbfounded that that part hasn’t been dropped yet. She assumed him and his attorney were playing chicken and would submit to us a counter offer of their own parenting plan or anything but they didn’t and we were heading for trial. I have an entire binder of documents and I didn’t want to have to delve into all of that and for it to her so messy but he had all sorts of weird demands in mediation in addition to literally fighting for power and rights but fighting against having to take responsibility for her in the limited time he actually wants her.

My attorney doesn’t think he is listening to his attorney and we suggested a judiciary settlement conference which is basically mediation with a judge present and she thinks maybe he will listen to a “
Strong male hand,” since he won’t take anybody else’s word for it and is literally taking so much stuff to court that won’t fly.
 
@dod2017 Yes we did a settlement conference (judge not present) as well and then I deposed him which put him in the hot seat and he settled on some things with those. Just remember they have until the day of trial to settle issues. I knew my ex would not back down until that point. When he did, last minute, on things that I refused to back down on, even against my attorneys advice, it made me wish I stood my ground on more things. I know it isn’t like this in all cases but mine has done some pretty stupid shit but he still thinks to this day that he has the upper hand. Your situation sounds similar to mine and I just know their tactic is to intimidate you to do what they want (because their used to that happening). That was his only defense. So when I didn’t back down, my opinion is that his attorney knew he didn’t have the defense to present to the judge so he finally agreed. If they have a history of purely just making your life difficult for no reason, and you aren’t engaging and giving him any ammo, then it will most likely come out in your favor. They just know they can bully us. Don’t let him. Just be wise with your approach.
 
@mlgprogamer117 Wow some Things you say sound so much like my situation!!!! He will hold strong on things he has done like drinking behind the wheel With the kids in the car As him not having a drinking problem and won’t ever agree to a alcohol clause because I can’t “ control him.” But wants all sorts of clauses and wants to depict things in my life because he is nosey and jealous. And yes he is used to getting his way with me by throwing tantrums and being very angry/ yelling and it hasn’t been working lately because I don’t give him a chance. But of course me not arguing with him about stuff because there is NO POINT is construed to him as me never willing to discuss things with him and being a bad coparent.
 
@dod2017 Literally, the exact same thing happened in my situation! I got Soberlink last summer and as long as there were no incidents we moved to 50/50 at the start of the school year. The less I say the better. I just have a mountain of evidence and I’m thinking of taking him back for a modification because he keeps doing things with educational matters without telling me and involving his now fiancé (my son has an IEP and his dad is a teacher). Even so the decisions and actions he has taken aren’t in the best interest of our son but he keeps on going because he has to look good for his fiancé. It’s a constant struggle and he sees every situation as an opportunity to criticize me as a parent and a person. It’s unreal. I am ashamed I had a child with such a deplorable human being.
 
@mlgprogamer117 The one thing I can be thankful for as of right now if he has no interest in dating and people keep saying well if he does maybe he will leave you alone but I have seen in so many other situations it just escalates the issue and sometime then their partner just gets involved and hangs up on you as well
 
@dod2017 Start and end of custody times at school are in our parenting plan. It was standard wording in the court mediators response. We also added in that the receiving parent is not allowed out of their vehicle during exchanges. So say your ex is picking up, they are not allowed out of their vehicle during that time.

Our parenting plan is 2-2-5-5 and has been since preschool to now. One parent picks up at school on Monday. The other parent picks up at school on Wednesday. And then of course both parents pick up on their respective Fridays at school for the weekends. Only time we have to go to each others residences for pick up is when the kids are not in school.
 
@wezcountry That is great to hear. We are on EOW and then the respective Wednesdays and I sort of feel like if he wants his Wednesday he can get her after school and take her to school the next AM so she gets more time with him and doesn’t just have to spend an hour there before bed. Because for Wednesdays it would mean I’m doing homework/ dinner and driving her there and it seems pointless/ harder for her.

I do know if he picked up Friday after school I would maybe need to pickup Sunday evening, because if he took her Monday AM to school he would be doing all the “ driving.” He told the mediator it made sense for him to not have to adapt his job to her ending of school if I already have to I can do pickups on his days too
 
@dod2017
Because for Wednesdays it would mean I’m doing homework/ dinner and driving her there and it seems pointless/ harder for her.
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This is ridiculous and entitled of him. You're right to push to change that.

I would be very hesitant to agree to doing all the pickups. No chance. You aren't together any more, he need to figure that out himself.
 
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