Do you let your kid skip family activities for stuff the other parent wants to do with them during your time?

[carolvdmerwe]

An upcoming weekend is one of maybe three weekends this year when my son (Kid 1) has no soccer games. It’s my scheduled time and SO and I planned to go skiing with all the kids (3) including paying for tickets.

It turns out Kid 1 has a basketball game. This is a team his other parent signed him up for without my consent. I am happy to have him play basketball but he already chose to do two soccer leagues this winter, which are important to him, and I didn’t want him to be on a team he couldn’t commit to. This is not the first time Kid 1 has been signed up for a time-intensive activity I didn’t agree to, but I have always just done the things even if it means I’m not available to Kids 2 and 3 (who are not as into sports and have few activities of their own).

Kid 1 wants to go to the basketball game, and his other parent is willing to take him so I can still ski with 2 and 3. (Edit: to be clear, Kid 1 really wants to go skiing too, he just doesn’t want to miss the game.)

I don’t want to channel my frustration with my ex into my response to my son or force him to ski when he doesn’t want to. But I’m also worried that my ex will continue to schedule things during my time and undermine my parenting if I don’t enforce the boundary here. What would you do?

 

[xanti]

@carolvdmerwe Say "sorry kid 1 won't be able to attend the basketball game, we made plans well in advance for this weekend that I can't change. Moving forward please don't book anything during my parenting time without consulting me first.In the past I have just gone with it but it's becoming increasingly more disruptive to my parenting time. This, for example, has put myself and kid 1 in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation and is causing unnecessary conflict between kid1 and I. If you continue to make appointments/extracurricular choices without me, I will not be taking him during my parenting time."

Its absolutely crossing a boundary to not consult with you about appointments/extra curricular activities, and you are right it will continue to happen because you continue to allow it to happen.

 

[carolvdmerwe]

@xanti Yeah I have tried many times, but unfortunately my ex does not care. They did consult me beforehand, and I said no. They love to make Kid 1 mad at me and nothing is more effective than planning something extra for just him (never his siblings!) during my time and then putting me in the position of either caving or telling him he can’t do it.

I’m also a bit upset with my son, because he claimed to really want to ski and agreed to skip a soccer session to make it possible. We spent a lot of money on his skis etc. I’m worried he’s becoming selfish and entitled because of all these extra accommodations being made for him.

 

[cafreeman89]

@carolvdmerwe My ex has our daughter on the weekends. I discuss anything that would effect his time with her well in advance, and would not ignore his answer if it was "No". Whenever something comes up on a weekend that my daughter wants to do, my first response is "We'll talk to your dad."

Not only is your ex being disrespectful, she's weaponized Kid1. You're going to have to sit down with Kid1 and have a real conversation about it. Make it clear that from here on, you will not be agreeing to give up time for his activities, and he will need to adjust his expectations.

 

[ian74]

@cafreeman89 I’ve read all the comments and this is the one I resonate with. At 11, it’s definitely time for a conversation directly with your kid OOP.

 

[the7thcolporteur]

@carolvdmerwe I'd have to say you're going to have to put your foot down. It's one thing for it to happen once in a while and you're made aware of it well beforehand, but it's a different story if it's frequent.

I understand, my ex has the kids over the weekends, I have them throughout the week. Sometimes the only way you're able to schedule things is on a weekend. But it should not be done so frequently that it interferes this much with the other parents plans.

You're just going to have to break the news to your ex and your child that he cannot attend the basketball game because you had plans already in place

 

[ttyler]

@carolvdmerwe If it was a once in a blue moon situation I would say yes but it sounds like you have an ongoing issue of your coparent scheduling things on your time so I would say no. They need to stop doing that

 

[whereismysalvation]

@carolvdmerwe I’d let my child go where they want to go which is the basketball game. Is it annoying? Yes! However I want my child to enjoy life and the last thing I want to do is force my child into an activity where they felt like they were missing out on something better they wanted to do. I have a teen who we give the option to not do activities or vacations with us because they have expressed not wanting to go to some stuff. I don’t want to force them into anything and it be miserable for all involved.

As for the co parent I would just tell them you appreciate their willingness and support to sign up kids for activities they want to do and you are always all for it. You just need a heads up on the schedule to make sure you can help them get to said activities on your time if co parent isn’t available.

 

[carolvdmerwe]

@whereismysalvation I don’t want to force him to go skiing but I really can’t imagine being “always all for” any activity a kid says they want to do, with no consideration of the logistics or cost, and no expectation that they will actually go if they don’t feel like it, or if they have also signed up for something else on the same schedule.

If the kids don’t understand the financial or time cost of scheduled activities on the family, at the very least they should be able to understand that if they sign up for something, they are expected to commit to it and go to all the events.

 

[whereismysalvation]

@carolvdmerwe I do agree there has to be some limit at some points if it’s something that happens a lot and interrupts plans and life for the rest of your family. That is something that needs to be explained to everyone involved. I have 3 kids myself and now that my oldest is a teenager I’ve learned I’d rather let her miss out on stuff with us if she has other things she’d rather do and I always find a way to go without her. It sucks as I want her there, but I want to also enjoy my time there and the money I’ve spent to be there and not have her make it known she doesn’t want to be there and ruin a good time. I’m in the complete opposite boat though where I’m a solo parent for her as her dad has seen her for a whole 3 hours in the last 3 months. I can definitely see why you’d get annoyed with the other parent signing kids up without you knowing. Sometimes I’d take that just for the simple fact that I do it all and wish he put in the initiative. But I do understand the lack of communication with the other parent is frustrating though as my ex things every communication is just me being difficult so now I just don’t talk to him much. At this point explain to your kid if he’s going to have his other parent sign him up for things you need to know to accommodate plans. If you’re not in the know and you find out last minute it’s not your fault if you can’t make accommodations. Maybe this will help. Sorry for rambling lol coparenting is tiring

 

[nemo]

@carolvdmerwe Consider setting up a family calendar that is shared with the other parent that lists the kid's activities and is color coordinated with each parent's day being a specific color. It's more visually easier to identify what days are each parent's for planning activities and helps with discussing planned activities that might fall on the other parent's days (i.e. game days).

The rest, it's not always a bad idea to discuss budgeting with a kid. Learning the reality of what things cost and what they may have to give up helps them later in life. I didn't realize how much until my daughter and I were talking about all the subscriptions I'm paying and we went through the list and started canceling some of them to generate more money to do other things she'd rather have.

 

[christiananon]

@carolvdmerwe These days I ask my older kids if they want to do a family thing before I pay for their ticket. If they say no, they can stay home or in the hotel or whatever. If they say yes and I pay the money, then they are now committed, and cannot back out unless they want to give up their allowance until I am paid back for what I already put out.

It sounds like you asked kid, he said yes, and you paid. So he goes skiing. If you had not asked him, or if you have not paid (or can easily get your money back), then let him stay and play basketball.

I try not to factor the other parents actions into decisions like this. This is between me and my kid and what’s best for them, balancing letting them make their own decisions regarding their lives with the training to honor their commitments.

 

[milan]

@carolvdmerwe Your son told you he wanted to ski and he told his mother he wanted to play basketball. He needs a parent to make this decision. It’s your time, you paid for the ski trip that he said he wanted to do… enforce it. Let the natural consequences take their place. He’s 11, he’s old enough to start having to take some ownership and responsibility for his decisions.

 

[usal]

@carolvdmerwe Take the other parent to court for purposely scheduling during your parenting time. This is actually a thing to sabotage time with the time sharing parent.

 

[sadmama]

@usal Not enough people realize that the big picture is parents will use extracurriculars as a way to cause a divide. Not all… but some. And it’s very hard to prove.

 

[katrina2017]

@carolvdmerwe In my case id just let the kid chose which they'd rather do.

 

[luciddreamer]

@carolvdmerwe Do what makes kid 1 happy as long as it doesn’t make you neglectful of kids 2 & 3. Let him choose.

 

[dennisbon]

@carolvdmerwe Oof. Info- how long has basketball been in session? Is there any CO/language about extracurriculars? Have you said anything to her before?

I wouldn’t force him to miss his first game. But I’d talk to him and the coach and let them know that for your next weekend you have plans and are unable to make it.

 

[carolvdmerwe]

@dennisbon It is the first game

 

[dennisbon]

@carolvdmerwe Ughhh how old is he? That’s so unfortunate. IMO extracurriculars should be a 2 yes/one no situation. You sort of have to let him go to the game. But talk to your ex. How would SHE feel if you unilaterally started scheduling things during her custodial time?

We tried to navigate this peacefully, but my SO had to put his foot down. First he tried opening up discussion. Then she signed him up for rec soccer after an aggressive 2 weeks of badgering. Our concern was for him and the family. At 7 he was getting no downtime, struggling with schoolwork, and having tantrums because we “never wanted to play with him anymore”. 3-4 nights/week of soccer was way too much at his age and for our family.

After conceding to the rest of summer including rec soccer he let her know that we would be taking weekends for family regardless because that’s important. And one of the conditions she offered was that she transported if we couldn’t accommodate. That never happened.

Long story long, he dealt with the same thing regarding club soccer this year after making it VERY clear that he does not think it’s good for 8 YO, 6 YO sister, or our availability. She flipped a lid. Secretly tried signing him up. Tried telling kids they were BOTH doing club. Tried pretending the conversations didn’t take place. This was his first and only coparenting veto and I’m SO glad he did it. They’re still so active. But I disagree with organized sports year-round when they’re too young to go themselves. Kids need downtime and family time.