Do you have a "career"? Are you happy with it?

[newchristian30]

I (43M) am a sole father of 2 wonderful children, a 12-year old boy with autism and a 9-year old girl.

I also have a full time job in an IT company that I love and the fact that my job is at risk due to a reorg makes me reflect on the almost unsurmountable challenges of raising two children of school age, school runs twice a day five days a week, doctors appointments, play dates, groceries, after school activites, no respite and I need to juggle work calls and e-meetings.

As a result my productivity took a huge hit earlier this year when the kids moved in with me full time.

I've been having impostor syndrome but my job gives (gave?) me a great sense of purpose and fulfilment, as well as pay the bills as the sole income earner.

I have no one around to help or support in any way (I live abroad). I haven't been able to maintain a support network.

How do you manage? Do you manage at all?

 

[jesusislord1985]

@newchristian30 I am a lone parent, and can only offer what works for me...

I too have a child with autism and as has always been the case, we're inundated with appointments atm and as happens drought or famine style. I knew that this was likely to continue so for me, a wfh role that has a favourable flexible working policy, so I literally have the option of working at different times to accommodate these. Plus accrue with the regular times that end up over my official hours. This helps to also cover staff training days.

By wfh, I have no childcare costs as they're used to my working at home on the later afternoons that I do.

I try to avoid planning important /intensive calls /video meets for after 3. But I have considerable autonomy. And if its ever started to appear as though it gets suggest these, I make sure those hours have planned appointments /activities etc in!

Productivity wise, I plan everything like a military campaign. My diary makes some retch at the details, but it's the only way that I can stay on top of things. Without that discipline I would come in on the days when school has had issues, etc, and never be able to focus myself if my calendar was too much of a blank canvas.

Play dates.... If they require me to be present can only happen on the days of the week that work for my work routine. I facilitate clubs already, so playdates really are a negotiable. They happen, but not on my later days.

Groceries... I plan ahead. Meal planning and preparing when I will do a physical shop say in lidl and when will be online. These shops coincide with other demands and are never just a supermarket trip! Batch cooking is my friend.

Respite, don't have per se. But I'd have hoped that now yours are 9 and 12, that you'll be finding things easier given they're not of an age where they need you omnipresent and may well have some of their own interests? But probably what I do do on occasions is to be blunt and say that it's bed now, I need some time for a bath, or for a crap Netflix show. Not the same, but it's kept my equilibrium.

Not sure if any of those ramblings are helpful...

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@newchristian30 Mine are older, which helps a TON! some days are “need you to catch the bus home and walk.” Other than that it’s juggling, juggling, juggling. Taking calls while driving, working way early in the morning. Etc

 

[brian57]

@newchristian30 I consider myself extremely blessed in this one aspect. I am also a full time single parent and I have a very rewarding and stable career. My attendance and mental presence at work has definitely been negatively affected since I became a single parent. My daughter has needed a lot of medical appointments, and been sick a lot.

I communicate very clearly with my boss and make sure that the essential responsibilities of my job are always met. Sometimes that means coming back later or on days off. But I make it work. I also have an understanding and supportive work place, so that helps.

I have considered at times finding a job that is work from home, but so far I haven't needed to go that route.

 

[hawkmanjames]

@newchristian30 Man I'm really lucky to have a great career and a support system in place. The military really has a lot of benefits for single parents.

 

[laurent313131]

@newchristian30 No “career” and lately it’s been the cause of multiple “almost” mid-life crisis episodes. I’m nearing 30 (28F) with a 10 year-old who I had at 18. I loved digital art and wanted to pursue school. I failed twice (dropped out once due to mental health and failed certification exam for a vocational field the 2nd time). I work in security. Never something I’m proud of admitting. While I get paid OKAY for my lack of education ($23/hr), it’s hardly enough for being a single parent and I’m getting by just because we live in one of those shoe-box apartments. I’ve tried navigating entrepreneurialism in crafts but recently found out some people are struggling with that too due to the economy.

I may not be happy about my role and place in life, but I feel a tad secure. Security isn’t the highest paying job but there are always jobs available if I lost my current one, though, granted, possibly at lower pay. Working on continuing to build my safety net for now.

*edit to add that I often feel like a failure. But continuing to look at the little victories help. I buckled down on my relationship with money about 5 years ago and that’s helped me get by while I try to figure out my life.

 

[daveyj85]

@newchristian30 I do and generally I am. Bit of a rough spot the last nine months with a promotion I took being kind of a flaming turd but starting a different position in a couple of weeks with the same organization which I’ve been with since leaving the military. Pays a little less but It won’t make me go insane. Honestly I’m kind of glad I took the position I’m moving on from it really taught me a lot about the direction I want to take a career I’m invested in.

 

[mom2twinz]

@newchristian30 I run a small drywall finishing business and am pretty talented at the trade so I can luckily manage to juggle work and childcare but that usually leaves me very little time for myself. I have 3 kids full time and only get help from my parents.
I'm happy that I can start work any time of the day and my only obligation is meeting deadlines and delivering on quality.
I'm working extra and have been hunting for the best rates and my goal is to be able to take Dec to feb off work and not touch my savings.
Some days when im slammed with too much work and need to rush home for the kids I am not so happy about my job because it is very demanding if I'm taking on big jobs.

 

[gadgett]

@newchristian30 Juggling it all is a challenge but doable.

I meal plan then order my groceries for pick up (Mealime) is a great app!

When things are less demanding at home, I give extra at work. I also do reading/research for work when I'm at home. My work has been very flexible so I try to reciprocate it. I hope that I'm enough if an assett that it's worth it for my employer. For the most part they are very empathetic.

Good luck dad!

 

[katrina2017]

@newchristian30 Man o man, can I relate. I too have an IT job and recently became a full time single parent when my wife passed away in May, shortly after our second child was born. It has been extremely difficult trying to take care of a 6mo around the clock while also trying to manage everything for my teenage son and keep the house from being too disgusting and completely in shambles. Oh yeah, and then there's work...

I definitely understand that "imposter syndrome" feeling because before my life fell apart this year, I used to be like "The Wolf" from Pulp Fiction at my job. I was the guy everyone came to when they needed to clean up a mess in a hurry. It was said I could knit a Volkswagen out of steel wool if necessary.

Now, I struggle keeping track of the simplest tasks and am always apologizing for forgetting about stuff. A major new system began deployment while I was out on leave, so now that I am back, I know next to nothing about it. I've pretty much been relegated to being the guy who babysits the legacy systems. I've been with the company for 30+ years now in various capacities, so they have been extremely understanding and gracious with my situation, but I can't help but worry a bit about what happens when the legacy systems are finally gone and I suddenly become the least knowledgeable person on staff.

I do at least have an informal daycare arrangement with a friend of the family, but whenever she needs days off, I basically have to call in on PTO because it's impossible to get anything done while caring for my 6mo daughter.

My teenage son also helps out a bit, but he's super busy with all his AP coursework, and of course he's also a teenager, and should be allowed to be a teenager as much as possible, not a pseudo-parent.

So I just carry on the best I can...but I absolutely get that feeling of unproductiveness and "failing" at everything if I compare myself to my former self. I never considered myself "career oriented" by any means in the past as I kind of just fell into my job and have always been far more on the slacker/unambitious end of the spectrum, but I guess now I'm realizing that I apparently did actually draw some level of self-worth and pride from my work without really knowing it.

 

[marias]

@newchristian30 I had a steady set of career paths just after graduation of high school. I immediately went into Cosmetology school which lead me into cosmetic / beauty retail, the salon industry, bridal and other makeup, and spa skincare services.

Now that I am the single primary parent available to my child I really cannot afford with schooling to work odd shifts and hours. I also have worked hard in this field to find my personal limitations due to my autism with being over stimulated, and developed some physical issues. These progressed from what I preformed as it began to affect skin and scoliosis increasing.

Long story short, I do not have a career path anymore. Atleast a steady one yet. I am learning and trying to find now what works for me. Any suggestions I am open trying to balance schooling /aftercare hours in rotation with my work schedule.

Cheers to all you parents kicking ass out there!