Do you correct your ex when they lie? Whether it’s to your child’s providers or to someone else when you’re present?

[lazarus58]

Maybe it’s not a big deal but it really gets under my skin. My ex keeps lying & telling our child’s providers that putting my son into headstart was HIS idea, how he diagnosed our son with speech delay, how he was the one who potty trained our son first bc the doctor “said” our son should be potty trained bc he’s 3. Doctor NEVER said that, she said they’ll potty train WHEN THEY’RE READY.

I LITERALLY have a text of him asking what head start is. Then months later, he says, “head start was my idea” I feel like I’m going f*cking insane bc THIS IS GASLIGHTING & PROJECTION!!!!!! (Bc he tells everyone I’m a liar)

 

[walter45]

@lazarus58 If you feel like you're being gaslit - then start writing stuff down in a journal so you can make sure you're validating your own reality and that validation will keep you from questioning yourself.

You can't control what they do and holding them accountable isn't really something they will allow you to be successful at.

In fact, the more you point out their lies, faults, whatever, the worse things are likely to get.

If you can point out the lie with an 'I statement' then maybe...

 

[robertagrimal]

@walter45 This is really good advice!

 

[lazarus58]

@walter45 Thank you! I’ll look up i statements

 

[elijah2017]

@walter45 Exactly this. I had to keep a daily journal of these kinds of things so I wouldn't question my sanity, and instead realize the gaslighting. It's so amazingly valuable to your mental health.

 

[shewrote]

@lazarus58 I used to, but honestly it just leads to a fight so I’ve learned to pick my battles and ultimately gray rock the hell out of him.

Most of our communication is one word answers on my end unless I need to go into specifics about something. It keeps the peace and ultimately makes him look like an asshole 90% of the time, so it’s a win-win for me.

My ex is manipulative and THE king of gaslighting so correcting him or calling him out on his lies gets me absolutely no where because he lives in a world of his own delusion where he will ALWAYS be the victim.

It’s really difficult to “let it go” but I try to. I just complain to my friends/family/therapist about him later on instead. I’m thinking about taking up target shooting to be quite honest

 

[lazarus58]

@shewrote I try gray rocking as well, but I feel as if it just isn’t enough. I SO wish to just tell him to stfu. But I know it isn’t gonna look v well in court.

& same, I just complain/vent to whoever will listen LOL. But getting into target shooting sounds fun!

 

[silencespeaks21]

@lazarus58 I highly recommend the book on BIFF communication. They also have an online course on dealing with high conflict co parents called the conflict playbook. I'm still working my way through it but it's been very useful. It doesn't change my ex but it helps me cope.

 

[lazarus58]

@silencespeaks21 Thank you! I’ll look into the books

 

[stefana]

@lazarus58 No I don't. I have long since realized professionals aren't stupid and tend to smell bull pretty quickly.

 

[lazarus58]

@stefana True, I think it may just be me working myself up

 

[emyrs]

@lazarus58 I used to, but now (2.5 years post divorce) I roll my eyes and know that he’s full of shit. My boyfriend does so much more for my daughter than her dad and she recognizes that her dad is crap. Anyone whose opinion matters knows that he’s full of it.

 

[lazarus58]

@emyrs It’s only been a year for us. My ex is v desperately trying to prove I’m an unfit parent, which is why it triggers me so much

 

[emyrs]

@lazarus58 Document, document, document. I refuse to talk to my ex on the phone. Only over text. So I have proof of his lies. Therapy and a supportive boyfriend also have helped let me know I’m not the liar.

 

[rgt]

@lazarus58 Only when it really matters. She lies all the time so I pick my battles.

If it has no effect on anything, I stopped caring.

 

[lazarus58]

@rgt When would you say it matters vs when it doesn’t matter?

 

[rgt]

@lazarus58 When it puts the kids in danger.

 

[beautifultruth]

@lazarus58 I've been divorced roughly a decade. I'd like to be able to tell you that this gaslighting & projection gets better, but it doesn't. What does get better is that you'll stop caring (or stop caring as much).

Professionals can usually tell when someone acts this way. When they don't pick up on it right away, a couple instances of calmly showing proof is usually enough to get them to see reality.

However, some of this stuff is small potatoes. It's unlikely the providers care which parent potty trained your child or who enrolled the kid in head start.

Just document everything, stay calm, & pick your battles. If you can conclusively prove ex's statement is a lie, then provide the proof, but don't say ex's statement is a lie. Let the other person draw their own conclusions.

 

[lazarus58]

@beautifultruth Thanks!

& true. I’m just at least a little glad that the doctor called my ex out for wanting to weigh our toddler WEEKLY to “ensure” that I’m “feeding him.” She says it comes off as a little passive aggressive & he doesn’t need to “watch me.”

My ex is also adamant that my son’s weight fluctuations (2 lbs) are MY fault, to which the doctor also pointed out that she noticed my son’s weight fluctuated when he was with dad too & then mentioning that it’s normal & no one’s fault. So I hope they just see his crazy.

 

[holla]

@lazarus58 Yes when it’s something important or he’s lying to the kids, I’m like that’s not true that didn’t happen.
Fight ensues.
Fuck them. I can’t believe I got sucked into the fighting vortex thinking I’m defending myself, to who? A snake?