Death of 3 close family members and a 5 y.o.- how to tell/process

[snaptikappmefr]

Question: how to tell a small child their grandma that they were really close with died. Child is already stressing about family members dying due to prior loss.

Background: We live in a three generational home. My parents (up till recently), me and my husband,our 5yo and a 7 day old newborn. In may my father died, in September my grandmother died (she was not that close but it impacted my daughter anyways as she just learned about death) and today my mother died completely unexpectedly. I got my daugther out of the house to arrange things and I need to tell her tomorrow about grandma passing. They were very active together and spent a good chunk of day together. It is going to be tragic. She processed my fathers death well but since she is sensitive she still grieves him and looks at his pictures all the time and gets sad. She also worries her father might die often and has some nightmares about it. We told her grandad was very old and sick and I think at some points she asked if grandma could die and I told her not so soon as she is still younger and in shape.

Now how do I tell her about grandma passing? How do I process this with her? Please link to good resources or past threads, anything that is good advice backed by therapists.

We are leaning towards : we needed to call the ambulance as she got very I’ll and they couldn’t help. But I don’t want her scared of illness and doctors.

 

[maroon]

@snaptikappmefr First, I'm so sorry for your loss. I teach kindergarten, and I have a few thoughts:

First, if you feel comfortable doing so, narrate your own feelings with your kid. She will learn that adults feel sad, confused, and a little lost when we lose people too. This will help her emotional vocabulary to name her feelings which will help her communicate.

Second, I truly believe in the power of books. Todd Par has a great picture book called *The Goodbye Book* it also gives names to feelings and helps process grief.

Finally, I'm a big proponent of encouraging children to draw their feelings. Since young children don't necessarily have all of the words they want to express themselves, drawing often helps.

Also, please please let your daughter's teacher know what's happening. The teacher might be able to connect you to resources, and will be extra kind and patient with your daughter. We always know when something is up, and it's hard and unfair to put a child on the spot to tell us.

Sending love in this hard time.

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@maroon Thank you. We are keeping her home at this time to limit exposure to the newborn that is only a week old. We will be doing this until may. All sounds like really good advice, will look it up.

 

[richardlp]

@snaptikappmefr “Something very sad happened” by Bonnie Zucker is another good book. It also explains how Mommy/Daddy grieve too.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[garnett64]

@snaptikappmefr The Mr. Rodgers episode on death is really good. I can't recommend it enough.

My kids had a preschool classmate die tragically in an accident. The school handled it by showing the Mr. Rodgers video and then the parents of the deceased boy came in to talk to the kids about their son. All of the parents of kids in the class were invited to attend those days to help our kids process it. My kids were 4 and 3 at the time.

Because of that we were never able to lie to our kids and tell them you die when you get old. Their classmate dying shattered the idea. On top of that, my younger one has life threatening food allergies and needed to know from an early age how serious it was. He knew that he could die if he was not careful since preschool. We had to be completely honest. Most people die when they are older but sometimes younger people die too. We will do what we can to stay safe and healthy in order to live long lives.

I will note that one of my kids struggled hard with the idea of my wife and I dying. We stopped trying to convince him that we wouldn't die (because he knew we couldn't promise that) so we started focusing on talking about what would happen if we did die. We sat him and his sister down and explained where they would live (their favorite uncle) and then answered their questions (would uncle Steve let us get a dog? Would we have our own rooms? Where would we go to school? Would our cousins be our new siblings?). After that my son was noticeably more relaxed about it. He was still worried we would die but took comfort in knowing that we thought about it and had it covered if the worst case scenario. I don't know if they would work with your daughter and my son was a few years older when we had this talk but was the approach recommended by the child therapist we spoke to about it. She said that he was a ball of anxiety because he felt like no one was taking him seriously and that his fears were not being addressed.

 

[dame]

@garnett64 Someone posted the Mr Rogers episode on the death of Robert F Kennedy-

https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/11zx8ft/mr_rogers_robert_f_kennedys_death_special_episode

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@garnett64 This is such a helpful insight, thank you!

 

[garnett64]

@snaptikappmefr I am glad it helped. This is also when we started playing the "worst case scenario" game. Worst case scenario was mom and dad both dying so we addressed what the next steps would be. We were able to apply this to just about anything. Whenever they were having fears or anxieties, we would sit down and talk about some of the worst case scenarios for that situation and how they would deal with that. Everything from trying out for sports teams to auditioning for a play to parents dying to taking the SAT to applying for colleges was covered by playing the worst case scenario game. My anaphylactic allergy kid will be starting college this fall so we have been talking about some worst case scenarios related to that.

Your daughter is scared of her dad dying, so talk about. What plans are in place in case that happens? The therapist we worked with strongly recommended that approach and I honestly believe it is a huge part of the reason my two teens seem to be mostly spared by the anxiety epidemic. We dealt with their anxieties head on. We didn't dismiss them or pretend it wasn't a possibility. We talked about it, addressed that it was a valid concern, covered the absolute worst case scenarios, and were able to move forward.

 

[bqmichael]

@garnett64

I will note that one of my kids struggled hard with the idea of my wife and I dying. We stopped trying to convince him that we wouldn't die (because he knew we couldn't promise that) so we started focusing on talking about what would happen if we did die. We sat him and his sister down and explained where they would live (their favorite uncle) and then answered their questions (would uncle Steve let us get a dog? Would we have our own rooms? Where would we go to school? Would our cousins be our new siblings?). After that my son was noticeably more relaxed about it.

This is such a beautiful example of an informal exposure to emotions.

 

[kingdomkings]

@garnett64 That is really helpful.

 

[bqmichael]

@snaptikappmefr FWIW, I am a child and family therapist, but this is not psychological advice; just general info about developmental stages and discussing death with children.

we needed to call the ambulance as she got very I’ll and they couldn’t help.

Generally, it is recommended to be really straightforward and concrete with kiddos. Anything euphemistic or vague increases the likelihood that kiddos are confused-- and you may or may not know that they are confused and trying to make sense of what happened. Saying very straightforwardly something like, "I have some very sad news to tell you. Your grandma died," is the most straightforward and clear way to help kiddos understand what happened. Generally, in this situation, I might also explain what death is here (i.e., her heart and brain stopped working and she will not come back-- 5-year-olds are still at an age developmentally where death can be difficult to fully grasp-- but also that may or may not be relevant if this is something you have discussed this often related to processing the previous death).

In general, it is expected that children will be sad/anxious with a death-- of course, just as any of us would be, and it is 100% normal to show your child that you are sad. Children may want to grieve in any number of ways-- attending the funeral if you are able to do so (i.e., as a choice and not a requirement if that is consistent with your family values-- but perhaps helping explain what will happen before going to make that feel clear), making art or poems about grandma, talking about memories of grandma, etc. Having normal daily routines, having lots of opportunity for connection, and being prepared for any number of difficult emotions and behaviors all make sense as things to think about.

I would not typically promise that someone will not die only because I cannot guarantee that... but there might be room to validate that sadness and worry/talk more about death of loved ones in a straightforward/non-avoidant way AND also provide some realistic info that dad is not likely to die soon that does not seem to guarantee that dad will not die.

Of course, YMMV within your specific family context and values as parents.

 

[falcon69]

@snaptikappmefr These are my favorite resources regarding this topic:

The Fred Rodgers Institute has some really great guides and resources about talking to children about death. https://www.fredrogersinstitute.org/resources/when-someone-a-child-loves-dies

They also have a curated book list guide. If you scroll down it should be towards the bottom of the page as a downloadable pdf.

In addition to their booklist I would also recommend the book, "Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs" by Caitlin Doughty as a great resource to read with kids who have extra more specific questions about death and dead bodies. The author answers questions submitted by actual children. She tackles the topics in an entertaining and educational manner and current editions include an interview with a clinical expert in discussing death topics with young people.

Overall, you know your child best and it's just important to be there for them in the way that they need.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[evan288]

@snaptikappmefr Also recommend the episode of Sesame Street titled "Goodbye, Mr. Hooper".

 

[snaptikappmefr]

A very big thank you for all contributions and said condolences. I was able to talk to my child’s psychiatrist and she echoed what was said in the post. She said there is no trauma-causing way to tell her. Key is to tell and answer questions in age appropriate way. Therapist explained that the age of 5 is too young to really understand loss in a way similar to adults (they don’t really understand the permanency) that would happen from 8 years on. She asked me what is going to happen and I told her about cremation and funeral. She got stressed but calmed when I explained our bodies are no longer needed or functional. She wanted to know how I found her and how I knew she was dead. I needed to repeat this about 20 times today. She sometimes gets a bit of a sad face when she remembers a good thing she will no longer do. But is mostly ok. For every loss so far we made a collage of photos (took it into the hospital when relatives were sick but got it back home), we did it now the same for grandma.

 

[leemc1]

@snaptikappmefr Oh my goodness. You've been incredibly strong for her, but I can't imagine how excruciating this repetition process must have been for you. I'm so sorry. You're being an absolute warrior for your daughter.

 

[harrisonm7]

@snaptikappmefr I'm so sorry for your losses. On top of parenting two very small children, that is a lot on your plate. Have you looked into therapy, for your child only, yourself only, or for the family as a whole? There's a lot to process here, and your mom's unexpected passing makes it complicated grief to boot. A lot for anyone to process.

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@harrisonm7 Thank you. I am contacting my doctor for psychiatric referral first thing tomorrow. I will look into family therapy as well, thank you for recommending this.

 

[harrisonm7]

@snaptikappmefr Don't hesitate to try and find the therapist that's a good fit for you and your family. There's nothing wrong with seeing one or two before you find someone who clicks. Good luck to you! Again, I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

 

[rockdrik]

@snaptikappmefr I'm so sorry for your loss, that's awful.

To help your daughter process the likelihood of other people dying, I suggest getting an anatomy book and talking about body systems and what it takes to live and die. When my oldest had anxiety about death, this helped him understand better why death happens.

Probably this comment is only useful once you've all processed the more immediate emotional side of this tragic event for you.

 

[daddylopez1963]

@snaptikappmefr I’ll defer advice to other experts here but wanted to tell you what a great job you’re doing. That is so much. All with a brand new baby at home. They are so lucky to have you