Complicated feelings following baby #2

[sigmachi1855]

My second baby is 5 days old and my first is just over 2.

I know I’m in the absolute thick of postpartum hormones. But I’m struggling with the massive disruption to my relationship with my oldest. Throughout my third trimester we napped together every day and he slept with us after a stretch in the crib basically every night. I went on leave early and we spent a ton of time together doing fun things. We are very connected in every way.

I had a newborn, am establishing lactation, and am recovering from a c section. I can’t really play with him, can change his diaper, can’t cuddle in bed with him. We tried one co-nap but of course the baby in the bassinet woke needing feeding and toddler woke up and got super upset and it was a mess and my husband came in to rescue his post surgical wife, tiny infant, and hysterical toddler rolling around in bed.

He’s been a true champ and has by some miracle been napping and sleeping overnight in his crib with no issues allowing me to co sleep with the newborn which is a lifesaver. He’s been sweet with me and the baby and while he’s a bit labile he’s really been a hero. He hit me today and was asking me to show him my mad face. He’s working through his stuff and I’m super proud of him.

But I mis him. I feel heartbroken that I can’t be with him like I used to. I miss cuddling in bed with him and singing to him and I know he misses it too. He’s got tons of support from his dad and grandma and auntie. But I’m his mama.

How do you AP two kids this close in age? How can I be available to both of them? The baby needs me, my body, full time. It will be better when I’m more physically recovered but man. This is tough.

Any commiseration or advice?

 

[urbanbee]

@sigmachi1855 I would like to write you a long post with lots of words of encouragement but here is the short answer - this is a HUGE transition for you. I went through this exact same thing when my twins were born. They're 6 months now and we have settled into a new rhythm. I finally feel like I really love them deeply. My son is amazing (still) and we are still very attached, even through the 2 new additions.

Your heart has room for more. This is a really really big transition. Give yourself time. Allow yourself space to accept your new baby and for your family to grow. Your son will like the new independence, even if is hard for you initially. Lean into your new role as mom of 2. Teach your son about how he is a wonderful big brother now.

Your relationship with your new addition will not be the same as it is with your son. But that's the beauty of it.

If you need any advice for ways to keep your son occupied while you nurse, I have plenty. Try to tell the baby no sometimes- "no baby, you have to wait, I am with son right now" (say it when baby is not fussy and doesn't need you). Try to still shower your son with affection and let him feel like the spotlight is still on him.

 

[partylinelimo]

@urbanbee Thanks
for this comment, and for the way you've worded things- particularly the advice about taking time to digest the transition. I'm 3rd trimester with my second and am going to save this so I can refer to it later!

 

[berin15]

@urbanbee Yes! The ‘oh baby you need to wait a minute while I help your big brother’ etc really helped with mine. My boys are 4 years apart and they really love each other. They are 6 & 2 now. Little brother looks up to big brother so much and big brother is so kind to him.

 

[sigmachi1855]

@urbanbee Thank you.

 

[carlos234]

@sigmachi1855 As a mom of 2 under 2 I feel this in my bones. (oldest is 20months youngest is 4mo). I felt soo lost in the beginning. Like I was failing my son by having his sister. Like I broke him.

I'm breastfeeding both, I cosleep with both, I nap with both if the toddler naps at all. My toddler has transitioned smoothly. A lot more smoothly than I expected.

It's a new dynamic, and the baby will grow into that dynamic but your toddler and you need to figure out what that new dynamic is.

Here's what worked for me and I feel is worth exploring:

Baby wearing the infant around the home (in the beginning up front now on my back) or put the infant on the floor next to us while I played with my oldest on a mat.

Skin on skin with my toddler and my BABY. I started about a 2 or 3,weeks pp (I can't quite remember, I think two weeks but it feels like a lifetime ago). I alternated sessions with both together and individually and I cannot recommend this enough. With mine it worked wonders. There was a before and after the first joined session of skin on skin napping with both.

Another thing I cannot recommend more is to pick one moment of the day where either granny/auntie or daddy gets to bond with the newborn and you get to bond your relationship with your toddler.

I decided to have the nighttime routine as a 1on1 with my toddler and started almost immediately. I pumped in the evening so my "village' could feed the newborn and I could focus 2 hrs on my toddler without interruptions and put him to bed. We now go to bed all together.

My toddler never once was left out. I didn't start the:" no L wait, you can't right now baby is eating until he stopped crying whenever he saw me nursing the baby.

Working through the drama when drama ensued. As stressful as it is, when you feel healthy enough, try it. When you're trying to nap or sleep or eat or whatevee with both and both end up crying and you feel like you need rescuing give yourself and your toddler a shot at working things out with the newborn. I discovered you can in fact comfort two infants/toddlers at the same time, you just need to figure out how, you're only going to figure that out by trying.

I have never stopped my son from approaching my daughter. I didn't intervene at all unless there was danger for bodily harm. The worst he's done is try to feed her solids at 3mo, or throwing toys at her (not in aggression but in "here catch")

 

[urbanbee]

@carlos234 These are great tips!!

 

[nasa321]

@carlos234 I’m curious how you work the logistics of cosleeping/napping with both of them. My second is due in a little less than two months and my first is just over 2, who I still mostly cosleep every night (at least partially) with and who I contact nap with, if he naps, and am still breastfeeding. If you’re willing to share I’d love to hear about how you make it work cause I’m hoping to do the same!

 

[carlos234]

@nasa321 Two things are important to know. I assigned one boob to each. During the day I sometimes switch them up but for sleep they each like their boob best. (don't start too soon with this, the newborn can get used to the boob being on one particular side and cause them tortícolis and positions preferences .)

The first few months I put my toddler to bed by himself (it was my one on one time with him) and napped with both. around the 3m mark I started to put them to bed at the same time. And nap with both if they nap at the same time. Sometimes I don't nap at all XD.

I can break it down to 1 golden rule: keep the sleeping and groggy toddler away from the baby. I do this by Sleeping in the middle.

I think logistics depends a bit on who falls asleep first.
In my household the toddler is the "sleep monster" and the infant the "sleep unicorn".

Considering that the infant falls asleep faster it was about finding a position in which my baby falls asleep easily and my toddler manages to breastfeed. Which is either sidelaying, wirh infant laying across my chest, or one on either side of me eaach with their head on my arm/shoulder. I found a way to make all of these positions work for the 30mins my baby needs to fall asleep. I often rotate them.

I'm going to try to explain how we're positioned and if you can't visualise it I'll try to make a drawing.

Sidelaying:
Just the typical sidelaying with the infant. My toddler sits behind me on his knees and comes over my ribs to nurse, I need to support his head which is heavy as F. He sometimes lays over me (one leg on either side of me). When the infant falls asleep I lay on my back and he can position himself however he likes as long as he stays away from her.

Laying on my back with infant on my chest.
The infant lays across my chest (she's too large now to be on my chest.) and her wing diagonally over my chest creats a corner at my other shoulder where my toddler puts his head to nurse. (nurses from the top)

And then the third is when I slide my daughter down my side each fo them having one leg on my belly and they head on my shoulder/arm.

My infant I need to have laying on my arm so she can nurse comfortably.

 

[nasa321]

@carlos234 This is so helpful, thank you! The positions for tandem nursing sound very manageable, I was worried how to make it work. And sounds about right for the naps lol hoping for the best but definitely going in expecting zero naps to work out perfectly lol. Thanks for taking the time to write it all out!!

 

[d2ra0yz1on5]

@sigmachi1855 Give it a little more time. My kids are further apart - 4 and 9 months, but I felt the same. My 4yo still sleeps with me, partially bc COVID ruined our moving plans and we don’t have room for her own bed, but also partially because she likes it. She still gets sad sometimes because she wants “snuggies” but I’m usually nursing baby to sleep or baby wakes up and is crawling all around and climbing on us if I try to lay in bed w 4yo. Once your youngest gets a little older, they won’t need you every second. Naps will be longer, they’ll go longer between feeds. I still nurse my 9mo to sleep, then I move in the bed and lay next to 4yo and snuggle with her a little, then once she falls asleep I move back to baby so I can make sure she isn’t rolling off the bed or getting smooshed by 4yo or anything else dangerous.

Unsure if your 2yo is old enough to understand this (I don’t remember what 2 was like lol) but this is what I told my 4yo when she got sad that I couldn’t hold her as much - I told her all moms get an extra set of invisible arms when their baby is born and that set of invisible arms holds their baby all the time, even when they can’t actually be right next to them. It made my 4yo feel a lot better and she brings it up often, like if I say I have to go feed baby and ask her if she wants to come or stay and play in the living room, she’ll say “it’s okay, I can stay here, I know you’re still holding me anyway!”

 

[berin15]

@d2ra0yz1on5 Oh I love this!

 

[tipmyking]

@sigmachi1855 This happened to me too. She distanced herself from me and clung to dad and I was worried that our relationship would never be the same. It started changing again at about 2-3 months postpartum and I don’t feel that way at all anymore. She still depends on me as much as ever but has found new independence and pride in her role as big sister.

Hang in there. It’s going to get better.

 

[runaway]

@sigmachi1855 I don't have any advice but I really feel how much you miss him and I can imagine the tug on your heart. You're doing great, he sounds great. It'll get easier. Xxxxx

 

[abandonentropy]

@sigmachi1855 Hugs! It will get better, I promise. My oldest is 3 in September and my youngest is 11 months. Me and dad take turns cosleeping with each kid. I go outside with the oldest just exploring and playing for a few hours. But it was brutal in the beginning. I missed my oldest so much. But she will not remember that time and now she has a sibling for life and we can not imagine life without little brother.

 

[truebeliever344]

@sigmachi1855 I felt this way too with my second. I remember crying one night as my partner went to settle my older child in the night as I could hear him calling for me but I was feeding the baby. I missed him so much. It passed really quickly. We started having play in bed time during the afternoon while my baby napped, and he’s 6 months now and I feel like we’ve all adjusted and I’m able to get lots of time with my older son. Watching his relationship with baby blossom is absolutely beautiful too.

Take care of yourself, lean on your co parent, take time with your toddler as much as you can even if it’s only 5 or 10 minutes but know that it will be ok and especially as your hormones settle down it will pass. Try to enjoy the baby, the newborn snuggle phase is so fleeting and you’ll miss that soon too xo

 

[rubix]

@sigmachi1855 I'm reading The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith and love it. The audio version is great, and I normally find it nice to listen with an ear bud while nursing or rocking my toddler to sleep. The chapters on guilt might help a lot in processing the emotions and are full of commiseration stories. Skip to chapter 8 for right where you are now. I'm expecting my second now and am bracing myself for what you're describing. It sounds like you are a wonderful mom and working from of a place of so much love. It's very inspiring. Good luck!

 

[berin15]

@sigmachi1855 If you can get out and about it really helps. I took big brother (4) to playgrounds, museums, zoo etc as we had done before and baby came along in the baby carrier. Felt like I was still connected to big kid and baby was along for the ride

 

[sigmachi1855]

@berin15 I’m really looking forward to this! I think we’ll have a great time. I’m still in hardcore recovery mode but once I’m on my feet I think it will be a blast.