@stillost1573 Have you considered the fact that the child simply doesn't want to visit you when at their mothers? It's not that they love you less.. my ex husband won't let the kids call or message me on 'his time' - I definitely don't prevent them contacting their dad, they simply don't need or want to. I do feel that because the kids don't ask to call/text their dad he assumes I'm preventing them from doing so. Stop the tit for tat - this child didn't ask to have to split homes
Children with phones
- Thread starter mattyice117
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stillost1573
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stillost1573
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He also didn’t ask to be taken away for three years from his dad when I got in the picture, but here we are.
@stillost1573 Saying this with kindness ... This sounds like an excuse from him for him not needing to visit you while at the other house. It doesn't mean you guys are less loved but the mother child bond is just different.. stop stressing the kid out over adult issues
threads317
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@stillost1573 I can’t speak for everyone, but my downvote was for not allowing the child to visit his mother’s when it isn’t her week for the sole reason that it isn’t reciprocated on your weeks. Seems like it’s coming from a place of ego rather than in the interest of the child.
BUT I’m also approaching it with the understanding that every situation is different and your step child may indeed be manipulated by his other parent, which is super unfortunate.
I am coming from a place where I am not manipulative and want what’s best for the child even if it isn’t what makes me feel good personally, but my child’s father and stepmother are approaching things exactly the way you are and it makes it so segmented for my children from a family perspective. More like they have two families and two separate lives and less like they have one family and one cohesive life. Idk if that makes sense reading it back lol
BUT I’m also approaching it with the understanding that every situation is different and your step child may indeed be manipulated by his other parent, which is super unfortunate.
I am coming from a place where I am not manipulative and want what’s best for the child even if it isn’t what makes me feel good personally, but my child’s father and stepmother are approaching things exactly the way you are and it makes it so segmented for my children from a family perspective. More like they have two families and two separate lives and less like they have one family and one cohesive life. Idk if that makes sense reading it back lol
@threads317 Now I have no idea why you were downvoted lol IMO you present an extremely rational, balanced approach to the whole question.
Unfortunately I was like you but had the same type of coparents, which made things unnecessarily adversarial and frustrating for 14 years. And as my children got older and started thinking and advocating for themselves, anytime they wanted something that went against what the other parents wanted, I was accused of manipulating them. (Projecting much...?)
It eventually got so bad that when my daughter was turning 17 she had to literally run away to my house in order to be able to have a say in her schedule, (effectively eliminating one altogether,) because her dad was so rigid and strict about the schedule that he was unwilling to grant any flexibility even at her age. She lived with me full-time until going off to college, never stayed at his house again even overnight, barely saw her SM and him when she was home on vacation, and eventually went NC with him.
So there can be lasting consequences when our children become aware of the differences between approaches to the custody schedule.
Unfortunately I was like you but had the same type of coparents, which made things unnecessarily adversarial and frustrating for 14 years. And as my children got older and started thinking and advocating for themselves, anytime they wanted something that went against what the other parents wanted, I was accused of manipulating them. (Projecting much...?)
It eventually got so bad that when my daughter was turning 17 she had to literally run away to my house in order to be able to have a say in her schedule, (effectively eliminating one altogether,) because her dad was so rigid and strict about the schedule that he was unwilling to grant any flexibility even at her age. She lived with me full-time until going off to college, never stayed at his house again even overnight, barely saw her SM and him when she was home on vacation, and eventually went NC with him.
So there can be lasting consequences when our children become aware of the differences between approaches to the custody schedule.
threads317
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@kingse I’m sorry that happened to your kiddo, and can only imagine the frustration of dealing with the adversarial coparenting for that long. It’s only been 4 years here and it just seems to be constant tension and nonsense lol
I am hoping my coparents get with the program on all fronts and realize what’s important while the kids are still young & before they damage their relationship with them.
As far as the downvotes, probably parents on the other side of the fence that don’t favor flexibility
I’m ok with that lol
I am hoping my coparents get with the program on all fronts and realize what’s important while the kids are still young & before they damage their relationship with them.
As far as the downvotes, probably parents on the other side of the fence that don’t favor flexibility
I’m ok with that lol@threads317 Although it's been decades, I remember one particular conversation like it was yesterday. I was on the phone with their dad begging him to go to counseling with me to get help to improve our coparenting relationship because of how it was damaging the children, and he said "that's not my problem, they'll just have to go to therapy when they get older."
Shocking and horrifying.
And yes they both ended up in therapy, three guesses on whose dime.
Shocking and horrifying.
And yes they both ended up in therapy, three guesses on whose dime.
stillost1573
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@threads317 I understand that. She is VERY close with my husbands family and is always at their family events, and sometimes we just need a break and would like to feel like we have our own family, so that's why we tend to lead towards keeping things separate.
SS also told us that she won't let him come over on our weeks, so we figured we would rather leave things how they have been because things have been working so great. We let him play outside with the neighborhood kids unsupervised, at her house she doesn't. Part of it too, is we don't want to have him walk down there and then us get a text about us letting him walk around the neighborhood unsupervised. Her moving is still new and we are still navigating it.
SS also told us that she won't let him come over on our weeks, so we figured we would rather leave things how they have been because things have been working so great. We let him play outside with the neighborhood kids unsupervised, at her house she doesn't. Part of it too, is we don't want to have him walk down there and then us get a text about us letting him walk around the neighborhood unsupervised. Her moving is still new and we are still navigating it.
threads317
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@stillost1573 Context is everything. Totally get it. Every situation is different and it’s a lot easier to speculate when you don’t have information. Good luck with everything, it’s never easy figuring things out and drawing boundaries 
sweetheartlove
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@mattyice117 my children won’t have smartphones or tablets, maybe a ds for fun on weekends or old flipper if they walk or go places alone. luckily my partner and i have already agreed to this. the studies behind them and screentime just prove everything i need to know about it.
as for him communicating to you directly, you might want to change your perspective on it and take it as a sign of respect and maturity. mom might have also given him the phone as an opportunity for him to communicate with you without a middleman. maybe point out that you want it ran by mom first and would rather discuss it with her. mention that you appreciate him coming to you and you are proud he was confident enough to do so, but that these are adult/custody/court matters. you might want to ask him to not make it a constant thing so you don’t miss out on bonding time with him.
i used to be afraid of communication with my parents, at least you know this isn’t the case here!
as for him communicating to you directly, you might want to change your perspective on it and take it as a sign of respect and maturity. mom might have also given him the phone as an opportunity for him to communicate with you without a middleman. maybe point out that you want it ran by mom first and would rather discuss it with her. mention that you appreciate him coming to you and you are proud he was confident enough to do so, but that these are adult/custody/court matters. you might want to ask him to not make it a constant thing so you don’t miss out on bonding time with him.
i used to be afraid of communication with my parents, at least you know this isn’t the case here!
mattyice117
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@sweetheartlove Great point!!
@mattyice117 If the kids 8, I tell my son to ask his dad so dad can give him clear answers, plus I love all the extra time, but if it's dad knows it's coming from son he don't do anything for me he does everything for his son.
@sweetheartlove My kids' friends have smart phones at about 10 years old and it's nothing but trouble. There's always drama between kids.