Can you have a strong attachment if you bottle feed? Feeling sad and insecure.

[fanatical4christ]

@whirlygirl I love this!! Trying to give my baby all the love and respect I can.

 

[crossroad77]

@fanatical4christ My son never latched once, he couldn’t. He is 21mo and has always been alllll about mama. Would never even take a bottle or a diaper from someone else lol. It has nothing to do with the feeding method.

 

[fanatical4christ]

@crossroad77 Oh my gosh thank you, this is so reassuring.

 

[gomez2030]

@fanatical4christ Breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful for me for the first 5 months and difficult for my baby for the first 3 months. He's now 6.5 months and it's uncomfortable for me and he can not feed more efficiently so I think it's ok for him. He doesn't cry about feeding so much any more. It has not been a bonding experience for us. We still have a strong bond as I'm his primary caregiver but breastfeeding is not the idyllic experience it is often portrayed as for us.

 

[thedude1]

@fanatical4christ attachment dad here. Dad's are able to form strong attachments too so breastfeeding isn't the only way to form a strong attachment. Sounds like you are doing great and shout out to your husband who sounds like he is also doing a great job. what a lucky kid!

 

[tmazanec1]

@fanatical4christ Absolutely you can have a secure attachment to your baby if you bottle feed them. I couldn't breastfeed my first and also felt the guilt you speak of. I remember at baby groups feeling embarrassed and ashamed to get the bottle out of the bag, I'd hope he wouldn't be hungry during the group.
I managed to breastfeed my second and also felt guilty for that because I couldn't give my first the attention and time he was so used to. Second baby was glued to me for the first 2 years because of breastfeeding.

They're both healthy, happy kids and you'd have no idea one was bottle fed and one was breastfed. I really hope the guilt eases up soon, I remember well how heavy it hung around my neck.

 

[yummymummy5]

@fanatical4christ First of all, lovely, you’re doing so well.

Secondly, it can take up to 9 months for your little one to think of himself as a separate entity to you. This can explain why he doesn’t smile at you as much, or show a preference to you. He thinks he is you. And you’re him. When he gets older, you’ll start to see him realize you’re mom and you’re going to see how much he wants to be around you.

It was the same thing for my little one and I, and I never breastfed. In fact, he was fed through a nasogastric tube for the first 12 months of his life. And he spent the first 3 months in NICU away from me.

But we’ve been doing attachment parenting from day one, and you wouldn’t be able to tell that we never breastfed or the fact that he spent so long in the hospital away from me.

The way you feed him or whether you change his nappies and do his cares doesn’t dictate the attachment. It’s about your connection and being there for him when he needs you and looks for you. You’ve got this.

 

[grace101]

@fanatical4christ Hey there, it's clear you're trying your best and that is all you can really do for your baby. You're aware and sensitive so your baby will be just fine. You're doing a great job.

I had a very similar early journey as you. Emergency C-section, wanted to breastfeed so bad, but my baby kept choking so we had to modify the way we fed (side-lying by bottle). I started exclusively pumping. It was the most stressful, tiring period of my life. I would say if you can do it (I couldn't), try bottle feeding her in a similar position as breastfeeding, with her face facing yours so she can look at you.

But I remember having the same thoughts as you about leaving her to cry while warming her bottle. It sucks in the moment , but they will be ok. It's worth mentioning that I had PPA (still have some if I'm being honest). I wish I had joined a mother's group or went to therapy to talk about the trauma and help normalize my experience.

My girl was also same as your baby, happy with everyone she met, smiling and laughing with others, but not so much with me! She was just very social even from an early age. Then stranger danger kicked in around 7 months. Lasted for 3 months or so and then she went back to being super social.

Around a year old her separation anxiety kicked in and she started constantly coming up to me and asking to be picked up. She's 16 months old and still seeks me out a lot. It's very sweet and reassuring. She's such a happy girl now though, and still very social. Has such a great bond with her grandparents and is very open to strangers. But she is still a Mama's girl if she is tired or upset.

Reading about attachment, you only have to get it completely right 30% of the time to develop a secure attachment. And even if YOU do ever right, some experiences with other people might make them a different attachment style. BUT if they end up with an insecure attachment, it's really not the end of the world. Life is difficult, there are going to be challenges for your little person. All we can do is be there for them and strive to be the best parents we can be.

 

[reapingtheharvest]

@fanatical4christ As you read all these comments. Don’t torment yourself with this issue. You are amazing already to pump!!! …..
I been working with an early development teacher. My kid is a cautious kid, so hard that she smiles. Make me feel she’s anxious all the time. The teacher ask me to every diaper change I sing a song to her and do a gentle massage. We even pass a clean brush in her hands and feet. I do it religiously. Babies loves routine and stimulation.

After 1 month she start laughing and slow eye lashing of joy. I see her how she moves her body to be with me.

Create ritual happy moments with your baby is my advise

 

[ckell19]

@fanatical4christ You can absolutely have a strong attachment without breastfeeding. Also, attachments and how babies express them continue to evolve. And I don't know, but I think there really is something too the idea of babies not realizing their mom is a separate person... my 11 month old is super attached to me now but when she was littler she was always more excited about her dad and her sister, it was like I was just an extension of her meant for naps and food. The smiles and giggles will come.

 

[cutin]

@fanatical4christ Attachment according to attachment science is actually nothing to do with breastfeeding and everything to do with quality time spent together. What's needed for healthy attachment is safety (don't be scary/chaotic/abusive), time/consistency (you have this, as you live with your baby; in terms of separated parents, it means don't leave long gaps between contact visits), responsiveness (soothe them when they cry), and curiosity about who they are, getting to know them as a unique person.

Attachment is also pretty fluid; it can change over time. It's normal and healthy for babies to have strong attachments with several caregivers, the primary attachments will generally be the parents.

All the stuff that you're meant to do for AP in terms of Sears' book/recommendations are actually things which support breastfeeding, not necessarily things which support attachment. Some of them overlap for sure - for example, spending a lot of time with your baby and parenting responsively - these support both attachment and breastfeeding.

I wonder if what you're actually seeing is not so much a difference in bond but possibly your baby reacting differently to your mood if you're often feeling low and tired, and other caregivers are not? It might be worth looking at the overall balance - absolute respect to you for pumping this long - whether you feel like pumping is something which is important to you emotionally or whether it would feel like a relief to drop down as baby gets more established with solids, whether you might want to speak to anyone about PPD.

IME it is later that babies show a preference for a person, unless it is that they are looking to nurse. My second one was mixed fed and he did the same milk-seeking behaviours as the other ones but he was totally happy to accept whoever had the milk at the time.

 

[nb3k]

@fanatical4christ I breastfeed and baby preferred dad up until 9 months with a sudden and strong switch to me. I think she literally didn’t realize I was a separate person from her. Also she chooses me when she needs comfort so it wasn’t until teething that it became strong.

 

[nightlaser]

@fanatical4christ I feel enough people answered to the title question, so I will concentrate on something different:

If I were in your situation, I would actually try to have my husband cover some of the feeds, especially the ones at night!

This would give you more energy for active play time with your baby, instead of dealing with all the feeding and then be tired when it's time for the fun activities. (And also more energy to feel better yourself, which can in itself ease this anxieties)

 

[ahadi]

@nightlaser This is a great suggestion! My husband handles our daughter's one middle of the night feed, as well as her dinnertime and bedtime feeds. It gives me time for more sleep or to unwind from the day so that I can be a more present and engaged mother during the day for my daughter. The bonus is that she loves to spend time with him too which makes him feel happier and more involved.