Can’t decide

[jakelab]

Facts about me:
1. Turning 37 this year so need to decide sooner rather than later
2. Will need a c sec. First c sec was traumatic and slow recovery
3. High sleeps needs individual
4. Not the most patient person

Current baby:
1. 13 months
2. Strong willed
3. Not the most adaptable
4. Not the greatest sleeper

I always envisioned myself with 2 kids. However, my first kid blew me out of the water. I hate being sleep deprived, so I can’t imagine doing this all over again.
We finally got her sleeping well at 10 months then just took a vacation to see my family halfway across the world and she slept TERRIBLE. She also isn’t the most flexible sleeper. Naps on the go involves lots of crying and short naps. I was nap trapped (still is) for a long time.

Because my family is located halfway across the world, my reality is that I’d have to visit once every 18-24 months and my baby did not react to this well at all. We’re still recovering from the effects of this. She had terrible jet lag and just did not want to sleep on her own. We are exhausted.

All these factors made me hesitant to have a second, but I worry that I am thinking too short term and will regret it later when I see my dinner table only having the 3 of us! But every time we have a string of bad nights , I really question how I am going to do this again.

Am I being short sighted for a long term goal of having a bigger family?

 

[mickey777]

@jakelab (Personal bias is for one and done)
When you live your day to day life, do you see yourself with another baby/toddler/kid? Planning for a future that may or may not exist doesn’t seem like the best reason to have another although I know it’s a common refrain.

We’re in a similar position (no network, crappy sleeper, always envisioned 2) and while I still have moments of thinking I’ll have another, the majority of the time is that we will have one.

The other advice I got was “if you’re in doubt, don’t do it”. I have a lot of doubt. Maybe that will change but in this moment I’m happy with our current family size.

 

[toomanythoughts]

@jakelab The 'future dinner table' thing never resonated with me, instead I asked myself "do I want to meet another unique person? Do I want to love them, follow them through life and get to know them, see the world through their eyes?" Because I think every child deserves a "yes" to those questions. And then only once I was ready to confidently say "yes", I asked myself whether I had the resources (time wise, relationship wise, financially, mentally) to do it again.

 

[bw1958]

@jakelab My kiddo’s sleep was really similar when he was that little and I was on alllllll the baby sleep subreddits and websites because I, too, enjoy sleep. However it’s something he just kind of grew out of. He still has his odd days where he takes a short nap or has a rough night sleep but it is 1000000% better and more predictable. I went back to work remotely talking on the phone with him nursing and napping on me because of COVID, and it was the only way. Now he’s 2 and he sleeps in his own bed, takes regular 1.5-2 hour naps most days, and sleeps 10-11 hours at night. He’s just a super active kid and when he’s up, he’s UP and ready to party! That being said I am still on the fence. Gonna have a serious think when he turns 3.

 

[jakelab]

@bw1958 That’s great to hear! Is he sleep trained? I am not my best self when I’m sleep deprived and it takes very little for me to be sleep deprived. It really is the biggest reason for my doubt. The thought of going thru another baby crying for sleep etc really puts me off tho I know it’s only short term…

 

[bw1958]

@jakelab We did our own gentler version sleep training around 5 months and it went very well. The longest he cried or fussed was about 30 minutes. But I’m putting my foot in my mouth because today he flat out refused to nap. Just ran around his room for an hour until we went to get him. Oh well…I guess he’ll be extra tired for bedtime, I hope!!

 

[kotj]

@jakelab No answers just solidarity. I'm in a similar position with my family and my kid is 21 months. If I lived closer I might try for two kids but no way am I schlepping my toddler across the world once a year only to solo parent him in a foreign country.

 

[flashhog]

@jakelab I state that I am a person who before having children slept 8 hours a night or more. Now I have 3 kids. My first was very difficult until she was 3 years old (now she is 5). She wasn't adaptable and slept little. Now you can take her everywhere and she is amazing.
My second who is almost 3 years old was a very easy going baby but now he always wakes up at night.
My third is still a baby and he is somewhere in between his siblings.
What I mean is that every child is different and even the less adaptable child will change when he/she grows up and that you will get used to sleeping less without any side effects.

Sorry for my english

 

[jakelab]

@flashhog Your English is perfect! I don’t know, it’s been 13 months and I still cannot function and get very irritable on less than 6 hours of continuous sleep. I get the dread and anxiety every night not knowing if my baby will sleep thru the night. So I’m really not sure if I can ever do it again, and it’s the biggest factor for me. I am sad about it.

 

[jessiejackson]

@jakelab Is traveling something she can get used to with time?

I feel like your travel situation would be the only thing stopping me from having another. I am not a good traveler so I couldn’t imagine doing it with 2 kids.

Lack of sleep is dreadful but also temporary.

 

[jakelab]

@jessiejackson I have no idea. This vacation sucked lol