Boys to men

[nomalanga]

I just wanna know do any other single moms raising boys alone ,ever worry about like how is a woman supposed to raise a man. when I don’t know shit about what it’s like to be a man, let alone how to raise one.. I feel so bad for my son he didn’t ask to be here. I feel helpless and he’s only 3 I’m scared for him to start asking questions. I feel like I’m not equipped and educated enough to be a parent. I need advice but I don’t have decision help.. It all falls on me and that scares me I want someone to take care of us I always got to be strong I’m not a masculine person I don’t wanna be a ‘Independent boss B****.
To be a good mother while my heart is breaking is one of the hardest roles I ever had to play
I’m just trying to survive another day I’m not a good mummy
(His dad is in heaven)

 

[anniew]

@nomalanga I am sorry that you and your boy lost his daddy. That is so tragic and painful.

What you need is to find community, both to support you as a mother and to support your chiod as he grows. Find good male role models in your family and community and ask them for help.

You can raise your son into a good man. You can teach him and show him the qualities that he needs to have to be a healthy and functional adult. Because really, we are all raising people and the common needs of humanity far surpass the differences between male and female. Male role models are not there because they'll teach him something particularly unique, but so that he sees these qualities in action in the men around him.

I've raised two boys to adulthood thus far. Been a single mom for ten years. Their dad is minimally involved. My father stepped in and helped me raise my kids, but there has not been a "man at the head of the table" family dynamic for many years.

I was afraid because I've heard all the insults levied at single moms and our supposed inability to raise functional men. My oldest is a Marine. He is hard working, sober, honorable, courageous. He is also thoughtful, caring, kind, and able to define and communicate his feelings. My second oldest is a machinist. He gets himself up at 4 am to get to work by 6. He works hard all day, comes home and takes care of things around the house, studies for the entrance exam for a certification course he wants to take. He's saving his money up in preparation for some milestones in the future. He's independently motivated. He is strong, brave, capable, and responsible. He is kind and thoughtful and so goddamn hilarious. And he is all of this while also having to work extra hard to navigate society because he is autistic. I have raised my boys into good men, despite my many imperfections as a person.

You can too.

 

[mingnian00]

@anniew Having two boys, 9 and 14, I just want to say what a good Mom you are for raising such fine young men. Hopefully I am doing the same. Well done.

 

[dkiprop]

@anniew You are inspiring us

 

[katrina2017]

@nomalanga I raise two boys. My entire family on both sides had a lot of sons, girls are rare, and it was inevitable I would not end up with any girls.

Rule 1: Change the view that you can't raise a boy as a mother. You're basically saying "I can't raise my child". Yes you can. Being mother or father doesn't matter. It only seems like it matters because we keep on the "poor son" or "poor daughter" narrative. The fundamental truth is that we're all fine the way we are. The rest is subjective and a logical fallacy. Learn the courage to have confidence as a parent whether mother or father.

There is something that becomes missing though as a symptom of a very delusional world: the disconnect we have with others. It's good to be exposed to people in general. When it comes to children especially, exposure to family (grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and their community is important. Unfortunately our society has a two or one parent family who are very removed from that or they have never learned how to really connect with people on an unconditional level.

 

[flintle]

@nomalanga I had moments when I felt like this, but he's 10 now and I think we're mostly past it.

For starters, I don't follow traditional gender norms. I'm more concerned about raising a decent person rather than a decent man. We do talk about the physical differences between men and women, especially now that puberty is coming up. He's known from an early age that some girls menstruate early, just in case he came across it. We talk A LOT about consent, but I focus on it going both ways. Every now and then, I'll throw in some "gentleman" stuff, like how it's nice to open doors for other people, but I don't make it gender specific.

I go out of my way to have positive male role models for him. One of the most ridiculous things I do is drive over an hour to take him to a barbershop. It's both "dude" and family appropriate. When we get there, I say hi to the barber and then I sit out of sight. Asides from me paying, my son is the one in control. And obviously, I don't just go around spewing negative comments about men, but I think that should be the norm for everyone.

Men are more likely to commit suicide than women. Part of it is due to being raised with a mentality that they need to be tough all the time. I make an effort to talk to my son about his feelings, tell him it's okay to feel mad and sad, and find ways to cope with them in a healthy way.

 

[hephzibah7]

@nomalanga The worst thing my mom did after my dad died when I was 2 was marry a stranger. And then once realizing she made a mistake… she refused to get out of it due to religion. So we all sat in hell with her and this man basically for the rest of their lives. I wish she would have stayed a single mom and I begged her to leave him. Or at least dated someone for a few years to see if it would even be a viable marriage. Boys of single moms have an extra special bond and attachment. It will be ok.

 

[olegner]

@nomalanga I’m a single mum raising 2 boys. (9&6).
It’s hard and I’m not sure if I’m stereotyping here, but it’s very physical. My 2 boys are both high energy and need ‘running off’. Sure, we do other activities but it’s full on.
I try to teach them the importance of kindness and respect (their father wasn’t unfortunately) and I model independence and the importance of working hard and being authentic.
Who knows what they’ll become but I’m trying my best

 

[aspeck]

@nomalanga I’m sorry for your loss dear. I’m a mom of two boys one being a teen. It’s not easy but I’m raising my sons like I’m raising my daughter, to be good human beings. No woman is ever equipped to raise a man but sometimes we have to for the sake of them.

You don’t have to be masculine to raise a boy either. Being a Boss B is what I love so much because it’s in this life that many have said women can’t do it. I’m here to say you can. It’s a struggle and a fight but showing your son that you are a strong independent woman will teach him to love strong women not just his mother but in the future a partner. He’s gonna what it’s like to love someone, to be good to someone.

Recently I worried about my son and shaving and finally we watched a YouTube video on how to. It’s practice but you aren’t alone, you aren’t a bad mom and you can do it!

 

[ccardenas]

@nomalanga My son's dad is deceased too. I currently live with my life partner who is a man, and he has been great at being an example of how to be a man. But you don't have to shack up with someone to have a good role model for your son. Just friends will do. If you've got a male friend, ask if he'd be willing to teach your son a thing or two when he's older.

I don't have any family on my side of the country. My son doesn't have aunts or uncles or even grandparents around. We lost his dad when he was 10 and he's 15 now and he's turning into a wonderful young man.

I do recommend that you get a therapist for your son when he is old enough to be in school. They might have play therapists for him to see now, also. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get a therapist for yourself too if you haven't already!

 

[ma13]

@nomalanga I’m a dad of 5 with 3 of them girls , same thing for me, I just try to do the best I can, I mean what else can you do?

 

[nomalanga]

@ma13 Absolutely nothing I just worry about it a lot I don’t wanna fuck it up or I don’t want him to grow up to have any resentment I guess I’m just over thinking he’s barely 3

 

[eliseemo7]

@nomalanga No its natural. I had 3 boys under 3 when I divorced. My youngest was 8 months old. Now they're 11,12 and 14 and I've honestly learned a lot. We learn with them.

 

[medifast]

@eliseemo7 I have 3 boys under 5.. any advice or words of wisdom? I feel like I am drowning some days..

 

[debsy17]

@nomalanga My mom raised me almost entirely on her own.

I don't see myself as very masculine but I've had people tell me I am very rugged, somehow

But I try my hardest to live my life with integrity. Many people tell me I'm very kind and selfless. And I've had people compliment me on how I speak with my daughter.

Everybody has a struggle to contend with. Some more than others. I've been having a rough go of it for about 6months now and it's definitely taking a toll. I am deeply ashamed of how I'm handling things right now with my daughter and the quality of care she is getting from me.

But I have no choice but to just do my best and hang on until things get better. Get yourself some support somehow and hang in there.

 

[lilyheart]

@nomalanga From one grieving single mother to another, I send my condolences and love. I know right now you’re feeling lost and defeated and sometimes just hopeless. Grief is complicated and stepping into a single mother role from a death compounds the whole complex ordeal. You’re suddenly a single mom and you didn’t get a choice in the matter. No sense of preparation or resolve. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of crying and literally yelling I didn’t ask to be a single mom!!! With regard to raising little boys and kids in general
1) None of us (even those of you who think you are) educated or equipped enough to be a parent. These little boogers don’t come with a manual and there are so many different makes and models. I have 5 and each and every single one of them would have needed an encyclopedia set for me to be adequately prepared for what we’ve gone through.
2) I was raised with my dad in the home until approx 9 years old and my brother was 7 and we have had struggles just based on that man ever being allowed to procreate. In fact, I do many “manly” things and almost all of them I learned myself just from sheer force of determination. My brother then had my stepfather who did more “manly” things with him and to this day, I am by far more apt to pick up a wrench or saw than he is. Those other boy things that a father or stepfather might pass down to a son- a mom can do. I’m not trying to say that a man’s guidance and influence aren’t equally important but rather to say that you’re going to be okay. You don’t have to become a manly mom and start demoing your kitchen to impart those important things to your son. Teach him kindness and love and the importance of treating everyone with decency. Honesty and the value of keeping your word. Those things matter so much more.
3) men are seen as the protectors but throughout the animal kingdom females are known to be fiercer protectors. Rudyard Kipling even wrote a poem about it.
4) Grieve and give yourself grace. There may be days where you feel so down on yourself and those days you pause and grant yourself grace and compassion. You’re doing the job usually done by two and not all days will be perfect. I have used my grieving as a learning tool for my son. It’s ok to feel your feelings and ok to cry. It doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you authentic. Your little guy is only 3 but he’s going to pick up on how amazing mommy is that she can sit down and have some tears and then keep going on with it all.
5) For the second party decisions (and shares) find a friend you can ask questions or call when your son does something amazing that stirs your heart and makes you swell with pride. Those are actually the most difficult times for me. I want to share the joy I feel over my daughter defending a schoolmate from a bully by using kind but firm words or her sudden desire to read and succeeding at it. Those moments are the hardest for me. We created these little beings together so that’s the first person we want to tell. Those are the moments our loss hits me like a ton of bricks. So now I call her adult sisters and make them hear each detail or I call my mom and force her to listen. I have told them all as well that this is important to me. It helps me and it will help my daughter as a consequence. She is every bit as important to me as he was so we all celebrate her little accomplishments together. Those times I do hide my tears because I want her to feel celebrated as opposed to thinking she is causing me pain with each little thing. It has brought her much older sisters into a closer relationship with her. This takes a painful situation and builds something positive for all.

Also, I apologize for going on and on but just know there is someone right here who gets the fear and agony of becoming a single mom through a passing. You can PM me any time and I will celebrate your sons milestones and victories with you. You are not alone.

 

[sashaw3]

@nomalanga Watch YouTube videos. Ask the men you respect in your life for advice. Read books, there are tons aimed at raising kids solo.

Most of being a good man is just being a good person. If you can teach that, the only other thing that he really needs a DAD to help him with is peeing standing up, and from what I understand a lot of men who had father's were still never taught to aim. If you can shave your legs, you can teach him how to shave his face when he's older, or he'll watch a YouTube video.

It'll be ok. He'll be ok.

 

[salusasecundus]

@sashaw3 "Being a good man is about being a good person." Yes, that. Well said .

 

[jack999]

@nomalanga Just love them. Not a sitcom type of Dudley doright kinda love, but the authentic kind. Nope, you’re not a man and some things you can’t teach him bc you don’t know them. Doesn’t mean you can’t fan the flames of things he takes interest in. If he wants to learn car engines find classes, if he loves something find ways to love it with him.

Put him in martial arts. It’s great for everyone, but especially someone who needs bonding and nurturing and instruction on how a man carries himself and engages with others. Furthermore, in training, he will spar and be involved in life combat situations. He’ll learn to win some and learn to loose some. very few things transferred into life as well as good martial arts instruction.

 

[salusasecundus]

@nomalanga Single dad of two boys here. Show him love. Be tender with him. Be the strong person you are for him. He will see this and he'll do the rest. I promise you.