Boys to men

@nomalanga I am a solo mom of 2 boys (11 & 5). And I think what society deems "manly" is actually toxic masculinity.

I am just trying to raise kind, compassionate, and thoughtful young men who understand consent and how to communicate in healthy ways. This is what the world needs. My oldest is passionate about soccer. He is learning how to be a team player and how to be a leader. He has a male coach, but honestly a female coach would be teaching him the exact same things. I've taught both from a young age to believe in themselves and be confident in who they are and their abilities. I've taught them never to give up.

My boys have male role models in their lives, yes, but the qualities that a young man needs doesn't have to come from a specific gender.

Life feels hard and no parent really knows what they're doing. Believe in your abilities and support your little guy and he will be just fine.
 
@nomalanga Read “The Heart of a Father” by Dr Ken Canfield and “The Whole Brain Child”.

Build a community. There isn’t a massive difference between raising good children based on their gender; teach patience, communication, honesty, responsibility, hygiene, compassion, empathy. Set boundaries.

You’re doing great.

Your first role is just to be a safe parent. Learning to properly enforce boundaries without inflicting guilt and shame is usually the biggest hurdle.

So many success stories of men raised by single moms and yes - your mindset needs to shift to “I can”.
 
@nomalanga I think you don't have to be a masculine person to raise a good man. I think you can teach him to respect women and be connected to his emotions, which will set him up for healthy relationships (platonic or otherwise). My son's dad walked out when he was 5. He's 7 now. His dad is still the fun parent, but all of his emotional maturity comes from us having serious discussions about how to express himself in a way that won't hurt the people around us. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can't imagine how hard that is. But you don't have to be a boss b*tch for your son to grow up right. I agree with other commenters about finding a community for you and your son. You need emotional support, and sometimes it's hard talking to people about your struggles if they haven't experienced something similar.
 
@nomalanga I raised boys. I learned with them. It was sometimes awkward to wear both hats, but being aware made a difference. We're very open and honest and that also helped.
 
@nomalanga I’m sorry for your and your son’s loss.

You only need to be and only can be the mother you are. Yes, it’s easier on us to have a coparent, but kids are resilient little creatures.

It’s a huge lift for sure, but I really don’t see it as male/female. More it’s the switch between nurturer and disciplinarian. Even though everyone does that, having 2 parents allows for some swapping of roles. Can you see it in yourself that it will work out in a good way even if that’s not the ideal you had envisioned?
 
@nomalanga It’s overwhelming. Be good to yourself. He needs a parent who finds a moment here and there to take care of themselves. That actually teaches him about self care. Even if it’s something simple like reading for a few minutes.
 
@nomalanga Solo mom of 2 boys here- dads are deadbeats.

I too have moments where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with them. I lean on my brother in law and my step dad a lot for them to have solid male role models. I had a male best friend who is my youngest child’s godfather but he’s also split on us.

I don’t trust men because of things I have been through; but I will never say that or show that around my kids.

I do my best to let them know they can talk about their feelings. My oldest son is sports obsessed and he plays hockey where he has many male role models there as well.

I have no idea how to tie a tie. But I know how to make sure they treat women, well, everyone really, with respect.

You’re doing great, mama.
 
@nomalanga Do your best, make sure you date quality guys if they are around the kid. He will see your character. I am a widow dad and I worry my son will be weird.. I dont think there is a magic wand.. and no parents are flawless. I know a lot of dads that put in minimal effort too. So my point.. just do your best. My mother did it alone for several years as well
 
@nomalanga Yea I have 3 preteen boys and an older daughter. It's teaching me (and her) a lot. I always thought I'd be more worried about my daughters safety etc but now I'm realising how easy it is for girls to accuse boys of things their innocent of its terrifying. Our society is so fkd up. Toilet training etc was fine. I've always talked openly about bodies and sex etc I just made sure they know how and they can do their own laundry from 13 :) I've told them the importance of condoms, their sister was a result of teen pregnancy so i literally say it how it is. I do wish I had a closer man to explain shaving and things I know there's a lot there I just don't know. . but they seem to be doing OK so far. Touch wood.
 
@nomalanga I’ve been seeing way to many toxic dads lately that I feel blessed to be a single mum however my ex is still around he catches up with us both 6 hours a week.
 
@nomalanga It’s not easy my sons father is also in heaven.
He just turned 13 officially a teenager and it has been hard, that being said when things come up, be honest with him, read everything you can for the appropriate age and tell them what’s going to happen having the puberty talk wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be just prepare yourself. I am doing it.
you can too:)
 
@az09 I am raising an almost 10-year old boy alone. His father was never present. We do live with extended family currently, we just moved. I think that helps especially if there other “boys” and “men” around. This was an initial concern too when my son was a bit younger. But I’m slowly realizing what I should prioritize more—his mental and emotional health. If he has this foundation built firmly, I know he will be okay as a boy and a man in the near future. Having a son actually made me realized how the society and the old way of parenting has been setting up these supposedly successful “men” for failure. I realized I’m not a fan of raising a boy to be a “strong, masculine man”. Raise a decent HUMAN BEING is good enough for me and the rest of human race. All the best, OP. We can do this!! 🌸🦋🫶🏼
 
@nomalanga From the bottom of my heart, as a single mother to a boy I do not worry about my ability to raise a man, no. I am a person, and I am going to raise a person, a full human being. His gender could be different from mine, but so could his personality, his likes or dislikes, his strengths or weaknesses. That's all normal in parenting - that we are different from our children. You don't have to be just the same as your child to raise your child, and gender is not the biggest shaper of who your child is anyway. I expect to grow as a human as part of the experience in being a parent, and I know it has already transformed me in more than one way, and that's fine.

I do think a little bit about having my boy be around both men and women, and was happy while he had a man as his daycare teacher, but honestly even there I don't fixate on it too much. It's my responsibility as a single parent to make sure he is around adults with different ways of being in the world, so that he sees a range of versions of that, not just my own one particular brand, but those people just have to be good people - they don't have to be men or women.

What are these things you have to teach a boy that only a man would know? I've toilet-trained my son just fine despite our having different equipment, and taught him hygiene. We have rigorously discussed "you have to listen when a person says no or stop - everyone gets to decide about their own body" because that is actually an important toddler lesson. I spend a lot of time making sure he can talk about his and others' emotions because that is a skill men are encouraged not to have in our culture. We'll also talk about being strong and how certain group of boys/teenagers/men like to display toughness in groups and how to be authentically strong without caving in to groups. My brother and uncles all like to spend lots of time with him and that's great, but honestly, he can learn the important stuff with us moms, and then any peer social rituals we don't know, he would be learning anyway with his peers at the same time as they learn them -- no boys are born knowing that stuff. So it will be fine.

There are books you can read, like Building Boys by Jennifer Fink that are great. But the idea that only men can raise boys is limiting yourself unnecessarily. Asking out of caring, even though I know it can be an intimidating question: have you considered maybe going to therapy for some grief counseling and also to develop confidence and get away from catastrophic thinking?
 
@nomalanga Genuinely, no. I can think of situations where I might want to have a police officer with me, or a doctor, or a wildlife trapper, but none of those people have to be men per se. And when pushed to it, e.g. when there was a bat in the house with me and my 2 year old and nobody I called would come over that night to fix the situation, I just put on the biggest hat I had and a tough waterproof coat and used a broom to knock the bat down into a box. Then I shut the lid and took it outside. It was scary but I did it and there was nothing particularly masculine about it.

Can I let you in on a secret? Men are scared all the time just like us, but they have grown up in a culture in which they are expected to figure things out for themselves, so they try to do that. They have some extra upper body strength (usually - some are total flubs) but they don't have any monopoly on courage or the smarts to think yourself out of a situation.

What are the situations that you are scared of? Are they likely to occur in real life for you?

On another note, I do think it is important for us to model for our children what it looks like to be competent... not scared. Even if I had a male partner, I would still want to model both of us helping each other at different moments, not one side always helping the other. Surely you want to be a powerful and protective figure for your little boy, not a figure in need of being rescued herself, to help him feel safe? A mama bear is fierce and she is very much female :)
 
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