Boys to men

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nomalanga

New member
I just wanna know do any other single moms raising boys alone ,ever worry about like how is a woman supposed to raise a man. when I don’t know shit about what it’s like to be a man, let alone how to raise one.. I feel so bad for my son he didn’t ask to be here. I feel helpless and he’s only 3 I’m scared for him to start asking questions. I feel like I’m not equipped and educated enough to be a parent. I need advice but I don’t have decision help.. It all falls on me and that scares me I want someone to take care of us I always got to be strong I’m not a masculine person I don’t wanna be a ‘Independent boss B****. ☹️
To be a good mother while my heart is breaking is one of the hardest roles I ever had to play
I’m just trying to survive another day I’m not a good mummy
(His dad is in heaven)
 
@nomalanga I am sorry that you and your boy lost his daddy. That is so tragic and painful.

What you need is to find community, both to support you as a mother and to support your chiod as he grows. Find good male role models in your family and community and ask them for help.

You can raise your son into a good man. You can teach him and show him the qualities that he needs to have to be a healthy and functional adult. Because really, we are all raising people and the common needs of humanity far surpass the differences between male and female. Male role models are not there because they'll teach him something particularly unique, but so that he sees these qualities in action in the men around him.

I've raised two boys to adulthood thus far. Been a single mom for ten years. Their dad is minimally involved. My father stepped in and helped me raise my kids, but there has not been a "man at the head of the table" family dynamic for many years.

I was afraid because I've heard all the insults levied at single moms and our supposed inability to raise functional men. My oldest is a Marine. He is hard working, sober, honorable, courageous. He is also thoughtful, caring, kind, and able to define and communicate his feelings. My second oldest is a machinist. He gets himself up at 4 am to get to work by 6. He works hard all day, comes home and takes care of things around the house, studies for the entrance exam for a certification course he wants to take. He's saving his money up in preparation for some milestones in the future. He's independently motivated. He is strong, brave, capable, and responsible. He is kind and thoughtful and so goddamn hilarious. And he is all of this while also having to work extra hard to navigate society because he is autistic. I have raised my boys into good men, despite my many imperfections as a person.

You can too. ❤️
 
@nomalanga I raise two boys. My entire family on both sides had a lot of sons, girls are rare, and it was inevitable I would not end up with any girls.

Rule 1: Change the view that you can't raise a boy as a mother. You're basically saying "I can't raise my child". Yes you can. Being mother or father doesn't matter. It only seems like it matters because we keep on the "poor son" or "poor daughter" narrative. The fundamental truth is that we're all fine the way we are. The rest is subjective and a logical fallacy. Learn the courage to have confidence as a parent whether mother or father.

There is something that becomes missing though as a symptom of a very delusional world: the disconnect we have with others. It's good to be exposed to people in general. When it comes to children especially, exposure to family (grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and their community is important. Unfortunately our society has a two or one parent family who are very removed from that or they have never learned how to really connect with people on an unconditional level.
 
@nomalanga I had moments when I felt like this, but he's 10 now and I think we're mostly past it.

For starters, I don't follow traditional gender norms. I'm more concerned about raising a decent person rather than a decent man. We do talk about the physical differences between men and women, especially now that puberty is coming up. He's known from an early age that some girls menstruate early, just in case he came across it. We talk A LOT about consent, but I focus on it going both ways. Every now and then, I'll throw in some "gentleman" stuff, like how it's nice to open doors for other people, but I don't make it gender specific.

I go out of my way to have positive male role models for him. One of the most ridiculous things I do is drive over an hour to take him to a barbershop. It's both "dude" and family appropriate. When we get there, I say hi to the barber and then I sit out of sight. Asides from me paying, my son is the one in control. And obviously, I don't just go around spewing negative comments about men, but I think that should be the norm for everyone.

Men are more likely to commit suicide than women. Part of it is due to being raised with a mentality that they need to be tough all the time. I make an effort to talk to my son about his feelings, tell him it's okay to feel mad and sad, and find ways to cope with them in a healthy way.
 
@nomalanga The worst thing my mom did after my dad died when I was 2 was marry a stranger. And then once realizing she made a mistake… she refused to get out of it due to religion. So we all sat in hell with her and this man basically for the rest of their lives. I wish she would have stayed a single mom and I begged her to leave him. Or at least dated someone for a few years to see if it would even be a viable marriage. Boys of single moms have an extra special bond and attachment. It will be ok.
 
@nomalanga I’m a single mum raising 2 boys. (9&6).
It’s hard and I’m not sure if I’m stereotyping here, but it’s very physical. My 2 boys are both high energy and need ‘running off’. Sure, we do other activities but it’s full on.
I try to teach them the importance of kindness and respect (their father wasn’t unfortunately) and I model independence and the importance of working hard and being authentic.
Who knows what they’ll become but I’m trying my best
 
@nomalanga I’m sorry for your loss dear. I’m a mom of two boys one being a teen. It’s not easy but I’m raising my sons like I’m raising my daughter, to be good human beings. No woman is ever equipped to raise a man but sometimes we have to for the sake of them.

You don’t have to be masculine to raise a boy either. Being a Boss B is what I love so much because it’s in this life that many have said women can’t do it. I’m here to say you can. It’s a struggle and a fight but showing your son that you are a strong independent woman will teach him to love strong women not just his mother but in the future a partner. He’s gonna what it’s like to love someone, to be good to someone.

Recently I worried about my son and shaving and finally we watched a YouTube video on how to. It’s practice but you aren’t alone, you aren’t a bad mom and you can do it!
 
@nomalanga My son's dad is deceased too. I currently live with my life partner who is a man, and he has been great at being an example of how to be a man. But you don't have to shack up with someone to have a good role model for your son. Just friends will do. If you've got a male friend, ask if he'd be willing to teach your son a thing or two when he's older.

I don't have any family on my side of the country. My son doesn't have aunts or uncles or even grandparents around. We lost his dad when he was 10 and he's 15 now and he's turning into a wonderful young man.

I do recommend that you get a therapist for your son when he is old enough to be in school. They might have play therapists for him to see now, also. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get a therapist for yourself too if you haven't already!
 
@ma13 Absolutely nothing I just worry about it a lot I don’t wanna fuck it up or I don’t want him to grow up to have any resentment I guess I’m just over thinking he’s barely 3
 
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