Boy (Trans) Dad

[lookingforhope47]

UPDATE: I am really discouraged about the responses I received here… I thought this was a space to be open and understanding. I got much more love on the r/queerception page and much love from the queer folks there.

When I mention things like circumcision you all need to understand that I DONT HAVE A PENIS. I would never do anything to my child without their consent. My partner and I just never had a thought about the process until we were handed a sheet of paper about it.

Also, it’s offensive to assume that as a trans person I would force any kind of gender stereotypes on my kid.

Lastly, thanks to all the people who provided sage advice and wholehearted wisdom. You all are gems.

———————————

Hey Folks,

My wife and I are expecting which is exciting!! We had an anatomy scan today and found out the sex of the baby is a boy.

I’m pretty nervous because I am a transmasc person who is female assigned at birth, and my wife is a ciswoman. We were really wanting a girl because it’s oddly familiar to us.

I’d love any sage advice or wisdom.. I know sex assigned at birth isn’t everything, but I am really shocked, nervous and excited.

Anyone have any advice??

 

[black_bear]

@lookingforhope47 I think you will be shocked at how little your childs genitals are going to matter.

 

[lookingforhope47]

@black_bear Agreed, I think it is more so potty training for me down the line and circumcision or not.

 

[sailing_soul]

@lookingforhope47 Sorry you're getting downvoted so hard, I presume these were innocent questions.

As already said, circumcision is genital mutilation, so please don't. But I'm assuming the best that you just never thought of it that way; for some reason Western society is way more chill with male genital mutilation than female.

As for the potty training, just do the same as you would for a girl and have him sit. No need to teach him to stand, he can figure it out later if he wants to.

 

[katrina2017]

@lookingforhope47 Please don’t mutilate your child’s genitals

 

[qtbobbie]

@katrina2017 Thanks for the perspective, BaboonFucker.

 

[kimmykimms]

@katrina2017 Agreed, but That particular point might fall on deaf ears.

 

[ummahite]

@kimmykimms Lmao

 

[black_bear]

@lookingforhope47 Just teach them to sit and pee. I am a grown man and do it exclusively at home. He just has to hold his penis down while he goes, pointing it into the water. Little kids can't stand to pee when they are potty training because they don't have the coordination.

For circumcision, I would just do a bit of research on the work to keep it clean and figure out if you want to make a permanent surgery for your child to avoid trying to to teach them that. The research shouldn't take more than an hour.

 

[nausicaa]

@lookingforhope47 circumcision is fine, you can do it if you want

 

[danishajaz]

@nausicaa Agreed. But you can't admit that on here cause you'll get downvoted to hell

 

[lookingforhope47]

To be clear, I am not considering circumcising our child. I am just being open that there is so much I don’t know about the genitalia of cis men.

I am anxious about how to properly clean a penis, to hold conversations about why our bodies look different, and not sure how to potty train.

 

[ayosandius]

@lookingforhope47 I responded elsewhere, but on these three specific points:

-Cleaning a penis: It’s pretty straightforward, but for an uncircumcized child the key thing is not to force the foreskin back. The child will get to that himself once he’s older. At the infant stage, it’s gently cleaning the outside with water and a mild soap (i.e. just like you’d clean the rest of the child). If you notice persistent redness or tenderness at the tip, you may need to visit a pediatrician for some antibiotic ointment. Once he’s older and the foreskin retracts, it should be gently rolled back and the head should be cleaned with warm water and a gentle soap.

-Why our bodies look different: Just be honest and age appropriate with him. As I mentioned in my other comment, I’m a trans woman with a 5 year old son. We’ve been talking about this lately. I’ve told him at a high level about my transition, and there are a couple of children’s books that explore some of those themes which helps him understand. Little kids are great in that they don’t have any expectations about how those things should work. Bigotry or uneasiness around this topic is a learned behavior that you don’t need teach your child. Overall, I’m finding that if I’m direct with him, he just accepts that knowledge like he accepts anything else.

-Potty training: Others have covered this well, but yeah, just teach him to sit initially. We didn’t start doing “stand up pees” for a couple of years after my son was potty trained. And at that point, it was usually because he was scared to sit down on porta-potties. Men don’t remember learning how to pee standing up either, so this can be a topic for your parents group, or just figure it out via trial and error in a cramped porta-potty like I did with my son.

 

[chakam]

@lookingforhope47

circumcision

Don't mutilate your child

potty training

Teach them to sit

 

[samuelcalebisrael]

@lookingforhope47 I commented this before, when our daughter was born I was talking with my manager and mentor and saying that I was very excited about her but a little nervous that I know nothing about baby girls. He just smiled and told me “You know nothing about baby boys either so don’t worry, you will figure it out”

There are a million new things to learn when it comes to taking care of a baby, a toddler and later a kid. Their gender probably adds another two or three things, it’s nothing. You will figure it all out.

 

[heyhey0123]

@samuelcalebisrael This is the best comment so far.

 

[taj]

@lookingforhope47 Father of a 2.5 year old.

Gender has been zero part of any of our decision making thus far.

We chose not to circumcise because:

1.) he cannot consent

2.) there's no medical or science back justification for doing so

3.) who cares what his penis looks like besides his future partners?

I understand as the brother to a Trans man how much your gender identity is part of your core being, but that being said it's not for nuerotypical people without gender dysmorphia. Be a parent. Answer their questions as they arise, and raise them to know you're a safe space if they have those questions.

Imo you're think 13-15 years ahead of yourself. Don't let your situation/trauma impact your child without cause.

 

[sketchmedesire]

@taj I upvoted this comment with as much emphasis as possible.

Circumcision is antiquated and unnecessary mutilation. OP, please leave his penis alone. If he decides he wants it later in life, he'll be free to do so.

 

[taj]

@sketchmedesire He can always take it off later, but you can't get those tens of thousands of nerve endings back.

My parents cost me tons of sexual satisfaction due to their religion. Fuck em for that.

 

[n14joe]

@taj So thankful my parents decided to cut mine off