Big Age Gap Between 1 and 2?

[ganyan]

Have any of you had a large family (3+ kids) after a gap of 5+ years between your first and your subsequent children? How does your oldest child feel about it? How are their relationships with siblings?

My son is 5 and very active and extroverted. He loves calling the neighbors his brothers and he loves family visits with the cousins, but… he also loves being the center of attention at home.

We wanted 4 but life happened and we’ll only be able to start working on a second in the next year or so - making him 6+ years older than the next baby or babies. I’m concerned, but should I be?

 

[teampancho]

@ganyan My daughter was 5.75 when her brother was born and will be just about to turn 9 when her next little sibling is born this November. She and her brother (8 & almost 3 now) are obsessed with each other and have been from day 1! They are always playing and cuddling and getting up to mischief together! They share food, wrestle, watch movies together, have water fights, and even insist on sleeping in the same bed they are total little besties. My daughter even reads him picture books now and gives him piggyback rides and my heart explodes!

When we told her last month that she’s gonna have another little sibling I knew she would be thrilled but she actually CRIED HAPPY TEARS!!! I was not expecting THAT level of joy!

She kisses my belly every single day and tells her lil bro what a great big bro he will be!

She also says she likes their age gap because she got us to herself all those years

On our end - the age gap made transitioning to 2 sooooooo much easier. She understood exactly what it meant when i was pregnant and she was already very independent and self-sufficient. I’ very conscious to not take advantage of her maturity by making her help/be responsible with her little sibs - but i see nothing wrong with having her toss a diaper across the room when she’s next to them or pass me my water while breastfeeding and those little things make such a difference!

She was also in kindergarten when her bro was born and beginning to have drop off playdates at her friends houses so there were/are plenty of days that I only have one kid on hand for several hours.

It’s funny because with only knowing the bigger gap - I’m much more nervous for the 3rd being “so close” to the 2nd when they’ll actually be nearly 3.5 years apart

I don’t think you should be concerned at all! There are so many perks to the bigger age gap and my kids are extremely bonded despite their gap! Sure, their may be some time when the older is a teenager and annoyed at the younger but i have friends with kids those ages who are still totally besties in their own unique ways!

I also have adult cousins and friends with big age gaps and now as grownups the age gaps are totally irrelevant. They’re all best friends in theirs 20s/30s/40s!

It’s my personal belief that kids are always timed out perfectly for our unique families, even if it doesn’t seem right in our silly little minds. Don’t compare to others! There is absolutely no right or wrong age gap! They all come with pros and cons!

But i will say: do not parentify your oldest kid. They are still a kid and not a free babysitter!! I had friends in high school who were expected to be responsible for their little siblings everyday after school and constantly on weekends and weren’t even compensated for it. They grew extremely bitter toward their parents over it and became resentful of their siblings. Don’t do this!!! Let your eldest be your kid too!! If you do have them babysit occasionally - pay them!!

 

[junobet]

@ganyan I read that a larger age gap between siblings (4+ years) increases test scores of each sibling because you're able to give more attention to each child. My oldest is 4 years older than my 2nd and is really bright. He is way advanced academically because we really gave him a lot of attention and read to him a lot.

My 2nd and 3rd are 1.5 years apart and I am definitely not able to give them as much 1 on 1 attention as I would like.

 

[bill59]

@ganyan My first two are almost 4 years apart...same as my 2nd and 3rd. They all seem to love it even now..I have 14, 10, 6, 5 and 7months. (All boys if it matters)

We do everything together.. sometimes I want to take the little ones to the park but then my 14 year old feels left out so he comes along too and plays with them

I think in the end it will just depend on their personalities. Everytime we've added a baby they all adjust very well.
Currently my boys LOVE their baby brother.. I would say all of them are extremely nurturing and family oriented.

 

[shelko23]

@ganyan I’m 8 years older than my sister. We were close when she was a baby and toddler, and I was still a kid. Then we parted ways for a long time. We’re both moms now, and that’s what we bond over.

 

[dudgy]

@ganyan My third was born when my twins were 7 years old. I think the age gap worked out well because they were already more independent when he was born and could do things for themselves if I was busy with the baby. In their case, I think it also helped that they had each other to play with, and they were already used to sharing my attention due to being twins.

I just had my fourth almost 3 months ago. My twins are 10.5 and my toddler is 3.5. My twins were thrilled to have another little sibling. It was definitely an adjustment for my toddler. Most of the time he likes the baby, but he definitely gets jealous at times. It's been challenging, but it's getting a little better.

I work 4 days/week, so I get to focus more attention on my younger kids while my twins are at school on my day off. My twins stay up later than my toddler, so I can focus more attention on my kids after he goes to bed. The baby isn't really on a solid sleep routine yet, so sometimes he hangs out with us, but my twins don't mind.

The hardest thing about the age gap so far is that my toddler wants to do everything my twins are doing, but they don't always want him to play with them, especially if they're doing something like a puzzle or marble run because my toddler will just make a mess. So I think he feels left out sometimes. I'm hoping that will be less of an issue as my baby gets older and my toddler can actually play with him.

 

[agtg]

@ganyan Not one and two, but two and three are 7.5 years apart. I think it’s great. We had reasons why we couldn’t have any more sooner, but like others have said there are pros and cons to all age gaps. My first two are 15 months apart, and three and four are 19 months apart. I like that the older ones are in school all day and have some more independence so I can spend time with my younger ones at home. I also love that the little ones go to bed early so we can do things in the evenings with our older ones. My older two love having younger siblings and are so helpful and mature.
Don’t worry about the age gap! It doesn’t matter!

 

[sabstame]

@ganyan Yep. I have a kid who’s in college and 3 kids 5 and under. Had oldest kid with abusive ex-husband, am now happily married and we had 3 additional kids. My oldest is pretty good with the little ones when he’s home (and no he’s not our babysitter lol). I love it and I say it as someone who only wanted 2 kids for years.

 

[antonywalto]

@ganyan Sorry to be the voice of opposition, but my sister was almost 7 when my twin and I were born and she has always struggled with resentment and jealousy afterwards. She acted out a lot as a result. Make sure you’re spending a good amount of one on one time with your oldest if you decide to have another.

 

[ganyan]

@antonywalto Thanks for this, I appreciate your input. Are you guys close now that you’re older?

 

[antonywalto]

@ganyan No problem at all! And we’re in a better place, but my twin and I have stayed closer because our older sis would push us away—which is understandable with the age gap and resentment. I feel like it still lingers. I think it wouldn’t have been quite so bad if my sister and I weren’t twins, but it is what it is now. I’m sorry if this is a bummer

 

[teampancho]

@antonywalto It sounds more like a poor parenting problem then an innate age gap problem. My daughter is nearly 6 years older then her brother and has never had any resentment toward him. But we make sure to give her quality bonding time everyday and solo one-on-one time every week. We make sure to compliment her as much as we do him. When we giggle about cute toddler things he does we make sure to tell her stories about herself at the same age. We give her just as enthusiastic of a greeting as we do him in the morning or when we get home.

We’re just hyper aware of making sure she still feels loved and special and a top priority and that she’s not playing second fiddle to the younger sibling and feeling like he replaced her. Because she’s older she also gets special privileges he doesn’t have and she can bond with us on a more mature level which makes her feel special. He also tags along to her activities rather then having her interests cut to cater to him.

I suppose it’s possible for much older siblings to be resentful even if their parents do everything right due to temperament and years of being used to only-child life but it’s definitely not an inevitability. My daughter loves being a big sibling so much she cried happy tears when we told her she’s getting another one!

All that said, I’ve never raised twins and I assume your parents were probably overwhelmed having 2 at once and that you and your twin having each other may have contributed to your sister’s jealousy as well

 

[godismyjoy]

@ganyan My husband is the oldest of 6, the second being 6 years younger than him! Worked out beautifully for his family

 

[ganyan]

@godismyjoy That sounds amazing. Is he close with any of his siblings? Did he ever feel left out?

 

[godismyjoy]

@ganyan He’s especially close with the next oldest 2, less so with the youngest 3, but they all still love each other and get along very well. Our son’s youngest aunt is just 12 years older than him, so I think that’ll be a lot of fun once he’s older!

 

[brisey]

@ganyan I have six years between kid 1 and kid 2. Two years between kid 2 and 3. Four years between kid 3 and 4. 18 months between kids 4 and 5.

Edit: our oldest is a great sister and adores her siblings. We do go out of our way to make sure she isn’t raising them since that can be an issue with big age gaps. From one to two was the easier transition for us.

 

[stateemil]

@brisey Ours are very similar! 6y between the first two, then 24mo, and then 20mo. We’re on the fence about one more, but if we do it’ll be another close gap.

The younger 3 absolutely ADORE the oldest, and he’s the most fantastic big brother. He’s old enough to have/do his own things, but also be the doting big brother. They all of course annoy each other at times, but their relationships are my greatest joy in life.

Edit the oldest has said for as long as I can remember that he wants 9 brothers and sisters. That’s definitely not happening, but he’s always wanted siblings.

 

[ganyan]

@stateemil That’s so wonderful

 

[earthwatcher]

@ganyan So I’m the oldest of 7. I was 14 when my youngest sibling was born. I loved my baby sister. The next sibling up (she was 5) struggled a bit with the newest baby but it all worked out in the end. All my siblings are fairy close now as adults.
Every age gap has pros and cons. Pros for a large age gap is that your son is more independent and likely sleeping well, able to help himself with snacks, and getting dressed as well as able to listen to basic instructions (like no running away in a parking lot). A con for a large age gap is that the kids will never be in activities together (one in school and one in daycare, even if they are in the same sport they would likely be in different places at different times). But this does not mean that your kids can’t be close in relationship. This is something you and your SO have to work on as a family no matter the age gap.

 

[tands411]

@ganyan Our kids are 21, 14.5, 14.5, 2.5, and 1

Every age gap has pros and cons, but it’s fine I promise!