Best friends wedding 6 weeks before due date…

[hugues]

So we’re 12 weeks in (tomorrow) with an estimated graduation date of April 17 (we live in the Netherlands). Just found out my best friend through thick or thin is getting married March 3rd in Mexico and asked me to be in the wedding. Naturally I excitingly said yes.

Told my wife-friend (a.k.a. fiancé) and she asked me “what if the baby comes?”. I told her I hadn’t thought of it because it’s still far out, but naturally I’d prioritize the birth of my first child. She says that we might not know if it’s going to come. It could just happen and I’d miss it. I’m under the belief that the signs would be there a bit before hand if there was a risk, but maybe I’m wrong? Either way we’re fighting about because she has a hard time just talking about things first and gets overly excited about it up front without thinking things through herself.

My question is:
A) am I an asshole or selfish for not thinking about this possibility? Am I in the wrong here?

B) it would be extremely premature if it did happen, but given the due date remains the same, how likely is it that this could happen? Is this legitimately something I should consider putting everything on hold for (wedding, work travel, etc.) so far in advance of the due date?

UPDATE: So in the communication (final) round of this fight, the conclusion we’ve come to after talking to her is that:

1. I can be more sensitive in approach. Rather than just stating something as a fact (I.e. I’m going to my friends wedding on March 3rd), it would be better if I came with, “hey, let’s talk about this wedding that I’ve been invited to take part in and how you feel about it”.
2. She can do better with recognizing that as a human I haven’t always full thought things through, especially when they were introduced to me same day and I’m trying to communicate it up front. Therefore, when approaching the thing I hadn’t considered, bring it up in a manner that doesn’t feel like an attack and put me on the defensive. Instead of the “Wellwhatifthishaooensandyou’renothereandcantmakeitbackintime?” approach, start with just asking, “can we discuss this first? I have some worries.”

Naturally she’s scared to be alone during that time period. Totally makes sense. She jumped straight to worst case scenario in her head while my happy ass was off in the clouds. Communication ladies and gents.

 

[hosee]

@hugues Mum here. 6 weeks before due date, I would have been happy for my husband to go on a trip. Hell, I was planning work trips for myself at that time (but covid cancelled them). To me, life goes on and I couldn’t/wouldn’t lock myself up for months on end. The odds of labour that early are statistically very low but possible. It may be very slow, it may be quick. I was batch cooking one day at 37+2…water broke that night, baby was here 13 hours later. Ultimately there is no way of knowing what will happen so all you can do is communicate with your partner and try to figure out a solution which works for both of you. I certainly don’t think you’re an asshole, but I do think you may need to work on your communication a bit

 

[hugues]

@hosee Thank you for the feedback and the insight. Usually we can communicate pretty well, but every so often she comes in hot in a manner that sounds accusatory and puts me in a defensive state. Plus we’re still working across a bit of a language barrier (I’m American, she’s Dutch). Thinking through it, I imagine it’s a good amount fear driven given that neither of us have been through this and she wants to feel supported, as I want to support. But I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just being overly insensitive to the situation or seeming like I don’t care.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

 

[hosee]

@hugues No worries at all. Given what you have just said, it may also be a cultural thing? From what I understand, US peeps have very little (if any) maternity leave - you crack on. I’m in the UK and effectively run a company so while I don’t have to go back to work, I also didn’t get the normal choice of a normal ‘employee’. The Dutch are the complete opposite with VERY generous leave policies. Maybe she is coming from a place where she expects you to be around more, for her own reasons and because of expectations she has garnered from others. I’m not saying it’s right/wrong (I would have murdered my husband if he hovered about me 6 weeks before due date just in case) but from my time on Reddit, I have realised that we all have VERY different experiences and expectations about things, even when we speak the same language!

 

[bacsb00]

@hugues I just had my baby at 37 weeks. I had to be induced early after several hospital visits. Prior to 32 weeks, I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy but then my blood pressure went up and I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension.

I’m just sharing to say that there may be things toward the end of pregnancy that come up that would make it hard to go or that you may feel bad missing. Hopefully not, but you just never know!

I would think a good compromise would be to tell your friend yes but also explain to him that things with pregnancy are unpredictable and if anything comes up, you will have to back out. But you should talk to your wife about what she’s comfortable with. It’s not like it’s easy or quick to get home from Mexico to the Netherlands if something were to happen.

 

[hugues]

@bacsb00 Thank you for sharing. This is the type of insight I needed and hadn’t thought about before. Very new to all this so I’m not aware of all the different things that could happen later during the pregnancy that might trigger an early delivery. So this really helps. I agree with your compromise as well. After talking it out I realize that she doesn’t want to be alone during this period either and her worry is totally warranted.

 

[bacsb00]

@hugues I’m glad you guys were able to talk and figure it out! Pregnancy can be super overwhelming and a bit scary for both of you the first time around! More than likely she will have a healthy pregnancy with no issues, but either way your wife will need you. I couldn’t have gotten through my labor without my husband’s support

 

[katrina2017]

@hugues Go to the wedding. Tell your buddy you are in for the wedding, but with the caveat that if the baby is born or major medical issues develop, you are out.

 

[catholic_geek]

@hugues New dad here. Wife and I agonized over whether i should go on an important trip with friends on the opposite coast of the US september 1-5. Not quite my best friend’s wedding, but close. Ultimately we decided I should go, i went and had a great time, returning on the 5th. She went into labor hours later and our son was born the morning of the 6th. Close call! Having a three-week old, it’s surreal to think that her original due date is still a week away (October 8).

I think you two should discuss it and then discuss it together with her doctor. 6 weeks early is quite rare, but it does happen. 5 weeks just happened to me! You can look up statistics. We learned that there are signs you can look for and cancel the trip at the last minute, but sometimes there are no signs.

It would probably work out fine if you went, but it’s a risk. One thing’s for sure—it won’t be an easy decision for you guys. But you’re not an asshole for not thinking about it. Ultimately, i think the decision should be hers. It sounds like you feel the same way. If so, you’re definitely not an asshole.

Congratulations on the kid!

 

[hugues]

@catholic_geek Wow! Congratulations first and foremost! And so happy this worked out for you!

I appreciate the advice and definitely agree that it’s going to be an ongoing discussion that can change at the drop of a dime. Ultimately in the end, if it’s her feeling that I should stay because baby is getting restless, then tickets are getting cancelled. We just need to plan it out and iron out the details.

Thanks for sharing your story of it though! Gives me hope, but also makes what she was saying very real!

 

[catholic_geek]

@hugues Glad i could help, and thanks! It worked out in the best way—we feel very lucky. Sounds like you’re thinking about it exactly the right way. Congrats again, and good luck!

 

[ladyslovin]

@hugues Better than 6 weeks after...
I've just come back from a 1000km road trip with my first at 8 weeks old to get to my sister's wedding. I feel glad to be alive.

 

[ioannes]

@hugues How far away are you from home and do you have a backup plan for if something goes wrong and you have to return asap with booze in your system?

Like have taxi money standby etc. Cant expect others to miss the wedding for you incase you need to return quickly.

I assume, being in the netherlands, you would be able to return in time unless you have a distance that like maastricht - leeuwarden.

 

[albin]

@hugues NTA at all, maybe just a little short-sighted. Does your best friend live in Mexico? If they don’t, they’re the asshole for having a destination wedding.

Both are important life events, but my baby is the most important thing, so that’s the one I’m not potentially missing out on.

 

[jasperr]

@hugues Your plans can always change if anything comes up. Unless the baby literally comes out of nowhere, exactly when you'll be away, there's no issue. If five days before it looks like something requires you to stay, you can stay.

Is this her first pregnancy? Statistically she's likely to be late rather than early, if so.

Basically this sounds like a non-issue. You can't be expected to never leave the house over a month before the due date "just in case", right? If the signs are there then of course you can stick around instead of going.

If an important package was due to be delivered in the evening, would you not pop out to the grocery store just in case it came a few hours early? Nah, you'd probably still go (even if you still might hurry back)!

 

[catholic_geek]

@jasperr no offense, but comparing the birth of your child happening at home in the netherlands while you’re in mexico, to being at the store while an important package being delivered to your house, is very stupid

 

[meladelle]

@hugues We went to a wedding just last week, my wife was 36+3. She was actually a bridesmaid. Everything was fine we enjoyed the evening then left shortly after cake cutting because she was tired.

Try not to worry.

 

[knd92]

@hugues One of my best friends, who's wedding I was in, had his bachelor party about a month before our due date. I politely bowed out after some planning, figuring it'd be too risky to be out of state. We had our LO at 36 weeks, the day after I would've come home.

We were in the hospital 5 days(so the duration of the trip and then some). Really glad I skipped it. Things can change so quickly