Anyone had experience discovering their teen is in a self-harm pact?

[csi40]

My 13 y/o had been self-harming earlier in the year. We took him to a therapist who he basically lied to and said he didn’t do it anymore. His therapist said it might have been doing more harm than good because he refused to talk about ANYTHING during his sessions. So we took him out and I did think things had been getting better.

But the other night I heard him talking to a friend bragging about self-harm. This morning before he woke up I looked at his phone and saw that he’s in a self-harm pact where if one does it, they all have to.

The last texts were sent by my son about 2 weeks ago saying he didn’t want to do it anymore, but like I said I heard the call just two days ago (w totally different people and talking about past experiences - not present - but in a bragging way).

I didn’t have time to check the rest of his phone before he came up. I confronted him about it (in a really calm and empathetic way, he knows he isn’t in trouble) and now he’s upset with me for invading his privacy. Which I totally get, but I just tried to explain it as best I could that his safety is more important than privacy.

I’m just wondering if anyone has experience with this - is there a way to manage/monitor his communications without taking away all his privacy (or sending him further underground to continue to communicate on even harder channels to track)?

Additionally, I do not believe any of the parents of the other kids know about this pact. I can’t imagine a world where I don’t tell them about it, but my son also begged me not to because they’re his best friends and they would hate him for it. I said I thought I would have to tell him but would warn my son before I do.

Looking for suggestions & support for above questions and anything else you can think of!!

 

[aballa]

@csi40 Fuck, I don't have advise, just that teenagers are really hard.

 

[csi40]

@aballa sometimes it’s just nice to hear that.

 

[stevej66]

@csi40 I’m really sorry OP that this is happening. Did you confirm that your teen is actually self harming again? He could’ve been lying to his friends to keep up appearances.
I would start by apologizing to your teen for invading their privacy by overhearing the conversation, and explain it was a simple accident, but that what you heard was concerning and you are their parent and need to keep them safe.
Check their body to see if they are in-fact self harming or if they are just saying that for the friends sake.
Sweep of the room without teen being in there to remove any objects they could possibly self harm with.
Have a frank conversation about what the self harming is even achieving, what could be done in its place that is more healthy, and why they would want to encourage their friends to hurt themselves like that and how they could be setting better examples for their friends.
All of this in a conversation that is two ways, NOT A LECTURE.

 

[kris8585]

@csi40 I’m struggling with my 15 year old and I just want to say, it takes a village….

My village is only me and I wish I could just give up sometimes.

I would tell the other parents. He will thank you later but he will be mad as heck with you now. You job is to protect at all costs

 

[katrina2017]

@csi40 I’m sorry I’m no help. My child is also ‘experimenting’ (sorry I don’t know the right word here) with self harm and it’s hard. She also got mad at me for looking though her phone (14yrs) but I told her, her safety is more important then her privacy and until I KNOW she is safe I’ll keep checking up on her. Her therapist said this was a good approach, I’m not constantly snooping, only when I suspect or see something that doesn’t add up to her reasoning.
Also, as much as your child begged, I would 100% let each parent know about the pact. You may literally save a child’s life and as a parent, I’d DEFINITELY want to know

 

[ajhnh]

@csi40 Self harm pacts are there to ‘prove’ your toughness and how hard you are.
Maybe try and get him into the gym or into boxing/ martial arts so ge can prove his strength in another way.