Advice needed

[claire19]

I’ve been coparenting 50/50, joint everything with my ex husband since late 2013. Our 2 kids are now 12 (f) and 10 (m). Divorce was amicable, no child support, equal split of decision making and time. He remarried in early 2015 and she has 3 children (now 15f, 13f and 11m). We’ve had our share of disagreements over the years but manage to get along except on this 1 issue

In 2019 when my son was 7 and hers 8, i started hearing stories from my son about the things her son would say to him. Anything from calling him weak, stupid and bad at something to telling him he wished my son would stay with his mom (me) full time. I can go on about the amount of conflict at that time between them but Basically the issues got so bad that my son at the age of 8 started telling me he didn’t want to live and he’d break down in tears over going back to his dads. (Side note: I was raised with 2 sisters, no brothers so i understood sibling conflict but this felt different). We ended putting our son into therapy from 2020-2021. Over this time, we had periods of our kids living with me full time (COVID and sibling conflict related). Our son developed coping skills to deal with issues but the issues didn’t stop. Over the last year the conflict has risen to physical attacks (punching, clawing, shoving, kicking,) with escalating verbal assaults (I.e my family hates you, you’re an idiot, threats of violence) from her son against mine who is relatively smaller than her son in size and strength.
My ex and I, his wife and I, my fiancé and my ex have all had conversations, arguments and battles over what to do. Thier argument: her son gets bullied too, her son has anger issues, her son misses his dad he never sees, her son is stressed…
Thier solution: regular groundings, scoldings, threats of sending him away

So here we are, 2022. And the verbal and physical attacks on my son are so normal to him that after 1 week there, he comes to my house and either he or my daughter have several stories about it.
So the reason for my post: last night my son came home from his dads. Told me his week was normal and went to his room after dinner and homework. Before bed my daughter asks to speak in private telling me “mom, dad might get mad that I did this and showed you but I saw something this week and recorded it for evidence to show my dad” she proceeds to show me a video of her step brother with his hands around my sons neck yelling at him that he’s doing dishes wrong, calling him an idiot and shoving his face into the sink with running water before then grabbing him by his face and shoving him away.
When I asked my son about it- he said “that’s a small one”. My daughter sent the video to her dad and talked to him before I could and he told her everything from “why do you wait until you’re at your moms” to “you know how he (step brother) is”. He eventually tells her thanks and encourages her not to fear retaliation but she’s worried as he let her know her step brother was in trouble.
When I spoke to him (after the anger and sadness was calmer), he sounded defeated. Claims they’ve tried to help her son and he’s resistant to change via consequences or anything. Eventually he tells me “just keep them”. He now wants to discuss altering 50/50 co parenting.

I’m struggling with this idea not because I don’t want my kids more than 50% but because I know our kids will lose the connection to him (it’s already been happening). However I want my son to be safe (physically and emotionally)

Do I take him up on this offer? Should we establish conditions for returning to 50/50? If so, what?

I gently shared this idea with our kids and my son said “that would be a relief” and my daughter said “I’d feel bad for my dad but I also feel really bad for my brother”

Thoughts?

 

[katrina2017]

@claire19 Your children are in danger, yes, you keep them if he’s offering. I would also take that video to a lawyer and consider contacting the police and pressing charges. That boy needs help and it doesn’t sound like his parents are taking it serious.

Don’t just get a verbal agreement. Get everything in writing and signed by a judge.

 

[procakes223]

@katrina2017 PLEASE get him to agree on writing and keep the video and any other evidence. Try not to put your kids in the middle, but you need to empower them to speak the truth.

 

[claire19]

@procakes223 I truly try not to. While my son was in therapy, he did tell the therapist that his dad firmly believes what happens in thier home is not my business and so we met as a family for 1-2 sessions to discuss how to handle this (not the abuse because my son wouldn’t address it directly but the general conflict ) and the therapist advised that i let dad handle what happens in dads home and I handle what’s in mine. So I try to encourage them to talk to him so I’m not always intervening

 

[procakes223]

@claire19 I get that to an extent. But if what’s happening in dad’s home is abuse, then you intervene. Period. Imagine a school telling you that your kid is getting beat up there but you shouldn’t have a say so in what happens next. Absolutely not.

 

[claire19]

@procakes223 Good point! It’s a challenge always when there is two homes with two different parents
Safety first. Thanks for all the advice!

 

[jesuslover20021234]

@claire19 Therapists re a disaster when these situations are unfolding. Always they amplify and reward violence. You've ticked every box and done all the right things per advice. Keep one foot in front of the other. It's not easy or simple ❤

 

[claire19]

@katrina2017 I have photos from past issues- texts- emails- and now this video. I just fear the legal system seeing me as “bitter baby mama” and not as the concerned mama bear that I am.

My thoughts align with yours for sure

 

[katrina2017]

@claire19 Based off of what you have said I don’t think they will see you in a bad light. You are trying to protect your children and it sounds like you’ve given the other adults plenty of time (years!) to somehow fix the situation or help their son and they have failed to do so. At this point your only choice is to make sure your son is protected and I really think a judge would see it that way

 

[loushome]

@claire19 They won’t see you as bitter, you’re advocating for you baby. He needs it mama!!

 

[procakes223]

@claire19 I’d also add that you should affirm your daughter’s decision to speak up. She was brave and she did what was right. Far too often we don’t encourage children to speak up when they see something wrong. And we don’t affirm for them that WE DO NOT PROTECT PEOPLE WHO HARM OTHER PEOPLE. Let her know that SHE did not get her step-sibling in trouble. He did that on his own. We should teach kids that we don’t sacrifice ourselves or our loved ones just to “keep the peace” or protect the people who harm us.

 

[claire19]

@procakes223 Oh I did! And I used almost the same words. She is very brave and knows her brother is vulnerable. She even told me “if dad takes my phone away for recording it, I’ll call you from school to come get me”. So In her mind she was prepared for consequences and knows she can call me. That gives me comfort

 

[procakes223]

@claire19 You’ve got good babies. Well done.

 

[jesuslover20021234]

@procakes223 Their dad is drowning out any protective actions by mum as will anyone actively by standing on this. Misogyny is a real obstruction due to gendered weaponised incompetence which is what this is.

 

[procakes223]

@claire19 I’m actually so happy that your coparent was first to suggest doing what’s best for your son. In my opinion, you 1,000% should keep both of your children as far away from the step-sibling as long as possible. Your son is being physically and emotionally abused and your daughter is being put in an unfair position of being loyal to her brother and being worried about upsetting the adults/tattling. Children deserve physical safety at a bare minimum—no-negotiable. Your son is depending on you and his dad to protect him. He can’t do it for himself. And he can’t have a relationship with his father while he’s being made to suffer abuse at the hands of his step-sibling (which will only get worse as he ages and get stronger). Secure your son’s (and daughter’s) physical safety first and alter the physical custody arrangement. Then, come together with their dad and think of ways to foster his relationship with them in the new arrangement. Maybe he can have more frequent dinner visits. He can participate in an extracurricular. Anything but sending them back to that house.

 

[claire19]

@procakes223 Thank you for this- I’m genuinely taking notes on how to proceed. I truly value the relationship between our kids and thier dad which is why we parted was so fairly with no alimony, child support or battle of parenting time. However our kids safety is more important than the peace I try to maintain between him and I

 

[loushome]

@procakes223 Could you imagine if step brother gets mad enough and grabs a weapon? It seems like it’s inching towards that… better to keep your baby safe now before things get too bad!

 

[procakes223]

@loushome That’s the thing. It can escalate so quickly when physical violence is introduced. Or even what if son/daughter grabs something to defend himself against an unrelenting attack?!? God forbid. IG can go sideways for ANYONE involved too easily. It reminds me of the horrible statistics about boys in juvenile detention because they committed acts of violence in defense is their mothers being abused by their partners.

 

[sashaw3]

@claire19 It's not your kids responsibility to figure out how to get along with an abusive step sibling. Don't make them go back to that house. Dad can come visit them at your house, they can plan weekend trips just the three of them, any number of things to foster a relationship but do not make them go back to that house.

Dad has failed his children, plain and simple. Your son is being strangled and having his head shoved in a sink and is saying that is normal behavior and minor compared to other things happening in that house. His father has allowed this to continue. Yes he's tried grounding and things, but it's clearly not working and your ex rather than put his children's safety first has continued to bring them into that environment for years at this point. He's now saying to keep them home, and that is good I'm glad he's finally getting it, but think about how many times things like this have happened that your son is saying it's normal and his father and step mom haven't protected him.

I feel so bad for your kids right now. I don't know how you're holding it together because I'd be losing my ever loving mind.

 

[xpower]

@sashaw3 Yeah even just reading this post, my heart rate SKYROCKETED. I’d be… out of line. That’s not the best way to do it so I’m glad she’s not. But I would be!