@sashaw3 When I saw the video last night- I lost it. I sobbed and almost vomited from anger and hurt.
In the past they haven’t responded to my anger as well and it’s made things worse for our kids so I chose to focus on the hurt and sadness. I think he’s hurt too thus him resigning to suggesting I keep them full time however I feel he’s also resigning to trying to make a change in that home and that’s not fair to our kids
@claire19 I'm so sorry for you and your kids. And proud of you for managing to focus on getting yourself together to handle the situation so you can do what you need to for them.
@claire19 Do not protect the father's feelings. He is choosing this and has chosen repeatedly. Not integrating families with careful intent and pursuing priorities which negate the value and safety of children is far too normalised. This is entirely his mess to clean up but he's abandoning care. .
@sashaw3 I hate to say it, but Dad’s not going to visit. He has shown that his wife’s feelings are more important than his kids. If he thought his kids were more important, he would have visits outside the home just the 3 of them. Sat down with his ex to explain what is happening and how he & his current wife are going about getting help, but until then, he would have kept his son safe (and his daughter who is probably going through a lot knowing it’s happening and she can’t protect him). That’s what a good parent does!
@claire19 Even if you kept 50/50, you know they'd lose connection with (and respect for) their dad if he allowed this to continue. Have they not already gotten the stepbrother in therapy? I think conditions on going back to shared custody, and a gradual phase-in, sounds reasonable, but you're going to have to really stand by your guns with them, it will be a long battle.
@jada11 No to him in therapy. They claimed he was and finished but my son was in for over a year- no way they sorted through his stuff in a month. I like your idea- thank you
@claire19 Yeah, I think the stepbro needs to be in therapy or they need to do family counseling for a certain amount of time. Then phase in visits, possibly monitored by you. It was super brave for your daughter to do what she did, but there needs to be some sort of adult accountability, and I wouldn't trust dad or the stepmom to do it initially. And then phase it back in with a zero-tolerance policy for physical abuse at a minimum. Ideally zero verbal abuse too, but it might be unreasonable to expect step-siblings at that age to not say anything shitty to each other, so you can discuss where the lines are there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's such a hard position to be in, and such a bummer that your ex isn't stepping up.
@claire19 Yes you keep the children, they are under constant emotional and physical abuse. Their relationship with their dad will suffer as they won’t want to be there anymore.
Your poor boy going through all that, well done to your daughter for filming it.
@billy10388 Oh it has. They’ve both suggested we move out of state to “make it easier” when 1 year ago they refused to even entertain moving to the opposite side of town.
@claire19 What stands out for me is that your son has been in therapy due to this but what about them? It sounds like her son is our of control and the family could bennifit from therapy, both for the child and the parents to help them cope.
It also stands out that they are relying on consequences to correct his behavior but all science shows that consequences are not the best intervention for kids struggling to that degree. They need discipline and firmness yes but they also need a lot more, like consistency, emotional support and above all a good relationship with their caregivers which heavy consequences can interrupt.
If it were me my bottom line for returning to 50/50 would be that they attend therapy with their child and get some support education in dealing with him (I recommend Gordon Neufeld. He has a great book with gabore mate called hold on to your kids why parents need to matter more than peers) and he also has a webisight with some great courses for supporting struggling kids with anger.
I would also be keeping my child away from their home untill they are addressing the issues. But I would be encouraging your ex to dress the issues to return to 50/50 because not doing so will feel like rejection for your kids. I would also be allowing as much access for your ex in the mean time in a healthy manner. Visits at your home, outings, and visits at their home when they are able to fully supervise the boys together.
@luckyrosie Thank you for that!
I do plan on making therapy a condition- I’m not sure I am in my legal right to do so but I genuinely feel it’s important.
Yes- I’ve told them many times that consequences and punishments seems to make it worse. I empathize with them and the struggles of dealing with his behaviors plus 5 other kids (I forgot to mention they have a 1 year old together) but our sons safety both emotionally and physically has really suffered. I guess I’m afraid the courts won’t see it my way
@claire19 I'm not sure where you.love or the laws of your location
But where I live parents have a responsibility to protect their children from harm and that would probably be similar in most western countries. I'm sure the judge would have your back and would like order something such as family counseling and that the boys aren't left alone.
@claire19 The uncalm mother in me says - take full (or more) custody. Push. If he’s willing to relinquish time, do it. This is really really really sad to me and he’s not even my son. I’m not sure how grounded in reality my initial reaction is, but I’m so disturbed by the stepson AND the reaction (or lack of reaction) he gets from the adults over there.
@xpower Oh the uncalm mother in me went to all sorts of dark places. I try to ground myself in the fact I don’t know exactly what happens there and so I try not to assume anything but I fear for my son. That’s the reality- he’s not safe
@claire19 I don’t know how to make it happen but I hope he never ever ever goes back into any room that other child is in. I don’t usually believe in “broken children” but that other kid just might be, especially since he’s not getting any real consequences or showing improvement. I can’t imagine how it felt to see that video. I’d need trauma therapy (which is not a bad idea for both you & your kids!!) I really wish you ALL the best in this!!!!
@claire19 Your absolute first priority is your kids safety. No question that he should never go back to the situation at his dads where he is at the mercy of an abuser.
@claire19 Absolutely keep the kids with you 100%. There need not be any written conditions to go back to 50/50 later. You might not want that later, so just deal with that when you get there. Don’t lock yourself into a situation where you have to go back to 50/50. If the dad wants a relationship with his kids, he needs to make the effort.
@claire19 Their father is choosing the need family. That's revolting but not uncommon. I'm so sorry your children are living this. Pull in all of your supports. Their dad could absolutely maintain a meaningful relationship with his children away from the risk but watch for that to unfold. Do not push him toward it. Men are so mess and need to lift their game. Follow many abandoned children and it's does so much deep harm additional to what the poor kiddos go through prior
@claire19 Their father is choosing to allow your son to be bullied, abused, humiliated, and assaulted. HE. IS. CHOOSING. THIS. He is CHOOSING to allow your son to be unsafe. He’s been telling you all that he doesn’t care for YEARS! Your son may never overcome this abuse and trauma.
