I’ve been coparenting 50/50, joint everything with my ex husband since late 2013. Our 2 kids are now 12 (f) and 10 (m). Divorce was amicable, no child support, equal split of decision making and time. He remarried in early 2015 and she has 3 children (now 15f, 13f and 11m). We’ve had our share of disagreements over the years but manage to get along except on this 1 issue
In 2019 when my son was 7 and hers 8, i started hearing stories from my son about the things her son would say to him. Anything from calling him weak, stupid and bad at something to telling him he wished my son would stay with his mom (me) full time. I can go on about the amount of conflict at that time between them but Basically the issues got so bad that my son at the age of 8 started telling me he didn’t want to live and he’d break down in tears over going back to his dads. (Side note: I was raised with 2 sisters, no brothers so i understood sibling conflict but this felt different). We ended putting our son into therapy from 2020-2021. Over this time, we had periods of our kids living with me full time (COVID and sibling conflict related). Our son developed coping skills to deal with issues but the issues didn’t stop. Over the last year the conflict has risen to physical attacks (punching, clawing, shoving, kicking,) with escalating verbal assaults (I.e my family hates you, you’re an idiot, threats of violence) from her son against mine who is relatively smaller than her son in size and strength.
My ex and I, his wife and I, my fiancé and my ex have all had conversations, arguments and battles over what to do. Thier argument: her son gets bullied too, her son has anger issues, her son misses his dad he never sees, her son is stressed…
Thier solution: regular groundings, scoldings, threats of sending him away
So here we are, 2022. And the verbal and physical attacks on my son are so normal to him that after 1 week there, he comes to my house and either he or my daughter have several stories about it.
So the reason for my post: last night my son came home from his dads. Told me his week was normal and went to his room after dinner and homework. Before bed my daughter asks to speak in private telling me “mom, dad might get mad that I did this and showed you but I saw something this week and recorded it for evidence to show my dad” she proceeds to show me a video of her step brother with his hands around my sons neck yelling at him that he’s doing dishes wrong, calling him an idiot and shoving his face into the sink with running water before then grabbing him by his face and shoving him away.
When I asked my son about it- he said “that’s a small one”. My daughter sent the video to her dad and talked to him before I could and he told her everything from “why do you wait until you’re at your moms” to “you know how he (step brother) is”. He eventually tells her thanks and encourages her not to fear retaliation but she’s worried as he let her know her step brother was in trouble.
When I spoke to him (after the anger and sadness was calmer), he sounded defeated. Claims they’ve tried to help her son and he’s resistant to change via consequences or anything. Eventually he tells me “just keep them”. He now wants to discuss altering 50/50 co parenting.
I’m struggling with this idea not because I don’t want my kids more than 50% but because I know our kids will lose the connection to him (it’s already been happening). However I want my son to be safe (physically and emotionally)
Do I take him up on this offer? Should we establish conditions for returning to 50/50? If so, what?
I gently shared this idea with our kids and my son said “that would be a relief” and my daughter said “I’d feel bad for my dad but I also feel really bad for my brother”
Thoughts?
In 2019 when my son was 7 and hers 8, i started hearing stories from my son about the things her son would say to him. Anything from calling him weak, stupid and bad at something to telling him he wished my son would stay with his mom (me) full time. I can go on about the amount of conflict at that time between them but Basically the issues got so bad that my son at the age of 8 started telling me he didn’t want to live and he’d break down in tears over going back to his dads. (Side note: I was raised with 2 sisters, no brothers so i understood sibling conflict but this felt different). We ended putting our son into therapy from 2020-2021. Over this time, we had periods of our kids living with me full time (COVID and sibling conflict related). Our son developed coping skills to deal with issues but the issues didn’t stop. Over the last year the conflict has risen to physical attacks (punching, clawing, shoving, kicking,) with escalating verbal assaults (I.e my family hates you, you’re an idiot, threats of violence) from her son against mine who is relatively smaller than her son in size and strength.
My ex and I, his wife and I, my fiancé and my ex have all had conversations, arguments and battles over what to do. Thier argument: her son gets bullied too, her son has anger issues, her son misses his dad he never sees, her son is stressed…
Thier solution: regular groundings, scoldings, threats of sending him away
So here we are, 2022. And the verbal and physical attacks on my son are so normal to him that after 1 week there, he comes to my house and either he or my daughter have several stories about it.
So the reason for my post: last night my son came home from his dads. Told me his week was normal and went to his room after dinner and homework. Before bed my daughter asks to speak in private telling me “mom, dad might get mad that I did this and showed you but I saw something this week and recorded it for evidence to show my dad” she proceeds to show me a video of her step brother with his hands around my sons neck yelling at him that he’s doing dishes wrong, calling him an idiot and shoving his face into the sink with running water before then grabbing him by his face and shoving him away.
When I asked my son about it- he said “that’s a small one”. My daughter sent the video to her dad and talked to him before I could and he told her everything from “why do you wait until you’re at your moms” to “you know how he (step brother) is”. He eventually tells her thanks and encourages her not to fear retaliation but she’s worried as he let her know her step brother was in trouble.
When I spoke to him (after the anger and sadness was calmer), he sounded defeated. Claims they’ve tried to help her son and he’s resistant to change via consequences or anything. Eventually he tells me “just keep them”. He now wants to discuss altering 50/50 co parenting.
I’m struggling with this idea not because I don’t want my kids more than 50% but because I know our kids will lose the connection to him (it’s already been happening). However I want my son to be safe (physically and emotionally)
Do I take him up on this offer? Should we establish conditions for returning to 50/50? If so, what?
I gently shared this idea with our kids and my son said “that would be a relief” and my daughter said “I’d feel bad for my dad but I also feel really bad for my brother”
Thoughts?