Added a second looking for stories

[staystrongmama]

I’d love to hear from people who weren’t sure on 1 vs 2 and how it’s going if they went for #2.

The decision on 1vs 2 for me was debilitating . I don’t know why but I constantly thought about it . Even before we had my first. I think it was because of my age deciding I was ok with only 1 allowed me to not rush to have kid(s). I couldn’t decide what was best for our family. I wanted a second but was scared of the additional work and finances. I probably should have spoke to a therapist .

Instead last spring as I was approaching 39 and our daughter (who is the light of our lives!) was approaching 3 I begged my husband to “let’s just not prevent it and see what happens” . Maybe a month , maybe 2. Well one time unprotected and we got pregnant.

So many times I’ve read on these posts oh once you’re pregnant you’ll feel better that you made the right choice or once you have the baby you’ll fall in love and never think about it again . For me that was not the case, had a traumatic birth that ended in c section. I feel the guilt so much more now that he’s here. I feel guilt that I’ve added stress on my husband. I feel guilt about not being there as much for my daughter. I feel guilt that Im not there for this baby when I want to go spend time with my daughter.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. He is 2 months old today and is smiling and laughing and crying less . The balance of both kids feels more natural, less guilt. My daughter loves him so much. Anyway what ages, experiences, milestones made things feel right ? I posted this here for other 1vs2 fencesitters as a warning that the questioning may not go away when the baby comes and hopefully to read some reassuring responses . Of course both sides welcome . Thanks!

 

[vl32]

@staystrongmama Hi, so I cannot really answer your question because I only have one. But what you have typed up, it’s like what goes on in my head over and over again when I think about having another. My emotions are similar to yours, I know I’d feel guilty about everything simultaneously. 100% would recommend still seeing a counselor for your situation . I realized I was struggling with some OCD tendencies when it came to potential baby #2 (really obsessing over every detail, ruminating about anything negative , not being able to just let it be or let it go) and being able to point out what is maybe more of an OCD thought has helped me quite a bit, I’ll just think… is this helping or hurting?
Also, I’ll add in… PP hormones Are so intense 2 mo Pp. Give yourself lots of grace and ask for support if you have any extra help around.

 

[jumaal]

@staystrongmama I saw somewhere that the start of having two feels like your family splits off a bit as toddlers and newborns have different needs, but it comes back together. Eventually, the kids can bathe together, eat the same thing, play on the same level, put downs become a one parent job..

And honestly, wait until your littles get in a giggle fit together.. BEST THING IN THE WORLD.

 

[israelisone]

@staystrongmama Mine are 4 and 2. And things are finally getting ‘easier’! It was a rough go for us with our second from newborn-1.5 and handling my oldest. When I would put the youngest down for a nap my oldest would come barging into the room screaming crib to the baby- waking him of course. But now we can all play together, less naps, be sort of ‘on the same page’ with our day. My 4 year old is in a 5 days a week 2.5 hr pre school and will be in 4K for the fall. We also have a gym with a 2 hour daycare. It helps when you can get some alone time from 1 or both! My only suggestion is to keep throwing spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks for you and yours! And don’t beat yourself up too much either. Now looking back my hormones and mental state were alllll over the place. I’m finally leveling out and feeling ‘normal’. I’m now on the fence about adding a 3rd but am turning 37…feeling too old? But also we are finally out of the newborn stage (even though neither kid has EVER slept through the night).

 

[freshcoast]

@staystrongmama I definitely wanted 2, but I still had all the worries about what adding baby 2 would do to our lives and how it would affect my son. I was so worried about upending his life. And Well it was hard at first. He took out the change on mom and dad, and my little mama’s boy was anti-mama for a bit. I felt guilty because I was physically recovering, tied to a breastfeeding baby, and unable to help my son much.

But yes it got better. It got better when I wasn’t so physically limited. It got better when toddler wanted mama again. It got better when baby sister stared smiling, laughing, and interacting. It got better when I found my groove as a mom of 2 (although the needs are always changing). It got better when they could start playing little games and sharing toys. It got better when I could take them places together more easily (and again when they could both enjoy those places). It got better when baby started napping independently and sleeping through the night in their shared room (work in progress). Mine are 3yo and almost 1yo now and it’s still hard work most days, but they love each other and we are just a little trio everyday when dads at work. I don’t think my son is sad about having a sister and I know little sister just loves and idolizes her brother (I don’t have to entertain her much because she just watches him all day). But yes none of it was instant. It took time to adjust. But definitely in the last few months it’s not so overwhelming anymore.

 

[stuart1717]

@staystrongmama I regretted having my second for well over two years, FWIW.

Adding another kid was SO FUCKING HARD. He was born six weeks before Covid, so I ended up going back to work part-time/remote at eight weeks (that was the plan) but also with my preschooler home (that was not the plan). I had two solid years of severe PPD after my first, had hoped to escape it with my second, and the universe laughed at that big-time. It almost broke my husband and I; one was hard, but two was exponentially harder. Those first couple of years were truly horrific.

That said, it's better now as they're older (currently 7yo & 4yo). We don't have any local family around and not much of a village so I describe parenting overall as "relentless," but it's better doing relentless work with older kids than younger ones. My husband and I are in year three of couples therapy and getting close to graduating from it, though I plan to hang onto my therapist for a little longer. I even got to go away for a two-night work trip last month which was INCREDIBLE and the longest I've been away from my kids ever; my husband did fine at home with them. They play together pretty well at this point and can entertain each other for periods of time, and this far out I can see more of why/how having two is worth it for us. But it was a long time getting here, and there are other realities (especially financial) that continue to be challenging. Yet, better than it was!

 

[duffystreet]

@stuart1717 I appreciate the honest balanced perspective.

 

[dianne46]

@staystrongmama My brother still somewhat wishes they'd stopped at 1 kid, but now that the younger one is three it has gotten better, although he still sometimes struggles with it.

 

[brenda64]

@staystrongmama So I have an almost 3 year old and an 18 m old. For me 6 months was a big milestone (baby was sleeping and eating better) so nighttime’s and feeding were easier. When he started walking (a year old) my older one wanted to do everything with him. Now they love each other, they play everyday, “talk” to each other and cuddle. After the youngest was a year old it got significantly easier, and I think my firstborn related to the baby more and saw him as more of a friend vs a baby.

 

[akadouble]

@staystrongmama From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your honestly. I feel so much the way you described about obsessing over having a second. It has been a year and a half of obsessing, my 1st is almost 3. The nagging part for me is that most people will not honestly say negative things about having the second. Obviously that is your child and you love them and “regret” is not the right word but things will change when you have another child. I appreciate you so very much. Wishing you the best of luck, I know everything will work out perfect for your beautiful family even with a bit of a bumpy road rn.