A wall of emotions

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vikuteee9

New member
Hi NICU parents. I apologize ahead for this mess of a text.

I posted here two weeks ago about my PPROM at 28+0. After having stayed at the hospital for 9 days, I got a routine ultrasound done with some concerning results, so they decided to induce labor with Oxytocin. I guess they didn’t think it would work so quickly, but I had a vaginal delivery in 1h 44 min. For those of you who don’t know, Oxytocin makes contractions more frequent and more intense, so women are usually given epidural. But since I dilated from 1-10 in record speed, I didn’t get any pain relief. So that lead to the most traumatic two hours of my life. But that’s actually not what I wanted to vent about.

My baby girl was born at 29+2, weighing 1090 g and 38 cm (sorry I don’t know the imperial units!). And thus began our stay in NICU. As of today, we have stayed here for 6 days and I have been crying in the bathroom like every few hours. I can’t look at my baby or my husband without crying, I feel like I failed them and I feel like I am not strong enough for this two-three month journey ahead of me. I am so so sleep deprived, pumping feels inhumane, and I have been unlucky with the nurses, who keep making snarky comments. Once in awhile I get some really dark thoughts, and honestly I feel like I have completely lost myself.

I have met with the post-pregnancy crisis specialist twice, but basically all she said was “well, it’s supposed to be hard.” That is also what my mom said earlier today.

I haven’t been home in two weeks, I have slept in one hour intervals. I have a breakdown every time one of the alarms goes off on the screen.

Just venting guys. Was maybe hoping that some other moms and dads out there understand me and tell me my feelings are valid. Thank you for reading and take care.

Edit: grammar
 
@vikuteee9 Hey momma! We are on day 138 of our 550g miracle. She was born at 27+1 and is now 47.

We still aren’t home yet. So I totally get you. You aren’t alone. Your feelings are super normal.

Please go home. Or if you can’t go home, go to something like a Ronald McDonald house. There is no way we could have ever survived this far if we didn’t sleep in our bed. The NICU isn’t restful, ever.

Sorry you are going through this but please kind to yourself. Sounds like your might have some PPD/PPA as well. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to some mental health professionals in your area. Your OB should be able to help with a recommendation if you need one.

This is the hardest thing my wife and I have ever done. It gets easier because you find your rhythm but please know even on day 138, we still hurt every time we leave her.
 
@vikuteee9 This IS hard, but it’s also not something you’re supposed to be able to just muscle through. People can be so insensitive and if i ever hear another person say “just be grateful she’s here healthy” or “at least…” I will scream.

Everything you shared is so real and so true and so relatable. The pumping is terrible. The no sleep hurts, seeing your baby connected to ivs and tubes and wires is heartbreaking, and trying to stay strong while you’re grieving all the things and experiences you imagined yourself having can be so isolating and painful.

If you can, I would find a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health. Having someone on your team and on your side and who understands the unique struggles of this journey can be so helpful. Postpartum support international has a great resource list of therapists who are specifically trained in perinatal mental health in your area. They also have a free virtual NICU parents support group.
postpartum support international directory
Sending you so much love ❤️
 
@mica45 People can be SO insensitive. After the delivery, my mom - a very respected clinical psychologist - told me that this is such a beautiful day and I should not be moping around. After I cried on the phone with her, she said I am being unfair to my husband who now has two people to worry about. This is one of the reasons I made the post. I thought I was going crazy and that maybe I am just overreacting. I am so grateful for this sub.
 
@vikuteee9 YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

I understand. I know every emotion you’re feeling. We just celebrated a month of my baby girl being home after 71 LONG days. I promise, what you’re feeling now will be a distant memory soon. Take care of yourself. If you can, sleep in your own bed every night.
 
@kiasoul The NICU I am staying at was opened a few months ago and it is apparently the best in the area. BUT, they have this new approach that moms are the official caregivers and literally cannot leave. I do ALL the baby care, including all the syringes and medicine and whatnot. In every three hours, including at night.

Yesterday I asked whether I can go for a short walk outside, and the nurses said no. Once I leave this “fancy and family oriented” NICU, I plan to complain about this ridiculous arrangement. Yeah, lets give the sleep deprived and depressed young mom, who is still recovering from the difficult delivery, a bunch of syringes, tubes and perfusors to operate at 3 AM.

Thank you for your reply and support.
 
@vikuteee9 That is crazy.. like I get it, parental involvement makes all the difference.. but our NICU preached to us that having a life out of the NICU is crucial. They cannot hold you hostage?? I was there with my baby every day still (except for when I was sick for 2 days). It IS inhumane for them to expect you to pump like that and do the care? I am shocked. You are not a hostage.
 
@vikuteee9 Stop pumping unless you are already awake. Pumping is inhumane. Do not wake up only to pump. Do not stay up just to pump. Your mental and physical well being is SO IMPORTANT. We are lucky to live in a society where there are other ways of ensuring our babies grow.

You did nothing wrong. And it’s NOT supposed to be this hard. It’s okay to mourn the pregnancy and happy birth experience you wanted. You should. Crying a lot is normal, but you should try to find a therapist to talk to - someone who is ACTUALLY helpful because that pregnancy crisis specialist sounds like an asshole - to help you find a path to healing.

You will be able to make it through. What kind of snarky comments are the nurses making? I can help you with scripts if you’d like to help tell them how they’re making your time there more difficult.
 
@siege777 Some of the comments I have got:

After the delivery, I went to see my baby late at night (same hospital building, different department) and the nurse said “I see you have decided you want to take care of your baby now.” Proceed to me crying and feeling like the worst mom in the world.

When I don’t know how to connect some of the wires or pipe thingies, a nurse said “well I can’t help you, this is just pure logic. Use your brain.” Proceed to me crying and feeling like the worst mom in the world.

One night I was crying in the room, next to the baby, and a nurse walked in saying “tired, huh…”
Wow such empathy. Proceed to me crying even harder and feeling even shittier.

When I say or hint to a nurse that I am very tired, I get a “well you decided to have a baby.” These kind of comments from supposedly the best nurses in the region… Obviously I wanted to have a baby, and I LOVE her - how can the nurses not realize that this is just all too much for a first time mom to handle.

Thank you for your reply and support
 
@vikuteee9 Not only am I a new nicu mom, but i’m also a registered nurse. I can’t even fathom speaking this way to my patients/family members. I know there is always going to be a rude burnt out nurse, but the fact this is the response you are getting from multiple nurses is extremely shocking to me and seems off. Apart of what makes a good nurse is the ability to empathize and make that connection. What state are you in if you don’t mind me asking?
 
@vikuteee9 I had my twins at 29+2 after PPROM and labor 9 hours later. They had very different NICU stays. Feel free to DM me with any questions. They are both home now and so healthy :)
 
@vikuteee9 My heart breaks reading this. I actually cried because I relate to what youre saying. I cannot begin to say how many tears I shed after I gave birth and felt like such a failure. But you did the absolute best you could given your circumstances and I know if you had the option to keep baby in for longer you would have. It is in NO WAY your fault.

The fact you care so much shows what a wonderful mommy you already are. People who aren’t going through this just do not understand. I can’t begin to say how many stupid people I dealt with who said all the wrongs things. Focus on the good people. Ignore people who bring you nothing but negativity.

Also personally when it came to pumping I always took longer breaks at night. I know its not recommended however sleep is so important and the more sleep deprived you are the worse you will feel. It also did not affect my supply and I can exclusively breastfed without supplementing. You also deserve sleep. And also eat as much as you can. You gave birth, you need to take care of yourself so you can heal and take care of baby.

It is so so so hard in the beginning. But as baby gets stronger and heals you will start to feel so much better. Right now youre in the trenches. It WILL get better.

Try to get a bit of fresh air. Just breathe, take each moment as it comes and be kind to yourself.

Soon enough this will be a very distant memory and a small chapter in the rest of both your lives. Also as a former NICU baby myself I have no memory of my time there. Your baby won’t either. I hope you will enjoy all the snuggles and kisses to come.
 
@jacpal Thank you for your kind words, awesome person 🤍 I am trying to focus on the last part that you said, that it will only be a distant memory. It also gives me comfort that she won’t remember this crappy place and the discomfort and the constant poking and needles. I just wish my husband and baby could all be at home already and put this nightmare behind us.
 
@vikuteee9 I completely understand your pain mama. Trust me it will be over and when it is you will appreciate every moment far more. It does get better. Take care of yourself. You deserve some peace and healing too.
 
@vikuteee9 I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be OK! The nicu journey is so tough mentally, emotionally and physically but I promise you - IT GETS BETTER! What you’re describing is exactly what I went through, the dark thoughts, pumping (which mentally destroyed me) and nurses giving moms a tough time. I feel you. And I know it feels like such a hopeless place to be in.

Please find strength in whichever way you can and push through because once the worst of it is over you’ll realise how worth it it all was when you have your baby home.
 
@njmom71 It is incredibly comforting to read that others felt the same way. Being here I felt that I was going crazy because nobody understands me, and I feared I am overreacting. Thank you for sharing your experience, I am glad it isn’t just all in my head and me being dramatic.
 
@vikuteee9 You failed no one. It might not be how you envisioned but you got your little one here and that's awesome.

When my wife was in the hospital we had good nurses and bad ones. It sucka but it is what it is. We tried to ask for the nurses we liked sometimes it worked.

I did not have experience with the nicu but my wife had to have an emergency c section because of decreased fetal movement. Later it was found out that the placenta stopped working properly and had really low amniotic fluid. Inam so grateful my wife noticed something was wrong with the movement. I say that to say while not the same I can relate to some of what you are feeling. Try to take a deep breath and focus on an hour at a time. That seemed to help me.

I wish you both a fast and smooth recovery and I'm praying for you and your little one
 
@robslaybaugh Thank you for your kind reply and the well wishes. 🤍This is great advice, taking things one hour at a time and trying not focus on the fact that I’ll likely be here for over two months.
 
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