A wall of emotions

[ggp80]

@vikuteee9 Oh, hon. Lot's of hugs.

First off, it's a marathon in a mud hole. Ok, it's a slog.

GO. HOME. Go home and sleep in a bed. This is the ONE blessing of a NICU baby - you have the relative freedom to go home and actually sleep solid chunks of hours. Your body needs it. It's been through trauma, and you are on the brittle edge.

The nurses might be snarky but they will keep your baby alive and well-cared for while that precious little one's Mama also gets some rest. THEN, go take a nice bath, walk or just sip hot tea and look at nature for a moment.

THEN and ONLY THEN, go back to the NICU. Seriously, go back tomorrow and everything will be ok and just a little bit better.

I had a lot of trouble because I felt like I would be judged if I wasn't there and as soon as I'd try to sleep, I would find myself just watching that monitor some NICUs have so I could still see my baby. I remember thinking irrationally "JUST JUST JUST just GIVE HIM to me, just give him to me and I will fix it and I will take him home and it will be fine. Just give me the baby." It's irrational but I was in a dark spot, too.

If you need to DM me, please do. You did nothing wrong, you are a fabulous mother, and what you are asking of yourself is actual torture. You are loved, you are doing a good job, and I promise, it won't always be this hard.

 

[mongworld]

@vikuteee9 Well, first of all, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.
And also, congratulations on your baby.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
I was also crying so much during the first few weeks and just being an emotional mess. Just know that some of those intense feelings are hormones that mess with your head, the traumatic experience of the delivery and also the stress of being a parent to a nicu baby. It’s a lot. Try to give yourself some grace, if pumping is exhausting and draining you, try to get like 4-5 hours sleep during the night. The nicu nurses were my sons were, said to me that I needed rest otherwise the milk wouldn’t come in or get produced properly. Don’t feel bad, for taking a break. Even if it’s just an hour where you go for a walk by yourself. I didn’t do that so much, and my mental health really declined during my stay in the hospital (I was able to stay with my boys for 7 weeks).
You’re an amazing mum already, you’re strong, you can do this and just know that you’re not alone in all of this.
Hugs to you and all the strength for you and your little one.

 

[happyhopej]

@vikuteee9 I also had PPROM & stayed at the hospital for two weeks before giving birth. Similar story—labor started FAST…no time for epidural or pain meds. He came out breech so they did a stat c section. I had to be hooked up to a patient controlled opioid drip for 24 hours and couldnt even see the baby. We are approaching day 90 in the nicu and no end in sight…people don’t get how hard it is. Even other moms. I haven’t missed a single day and stay with him 15 hours. I STILL cry when I come home every night.

It’s so hard…hang in there. This hospital hell will be over soon for both of us hopefully

 

[vikuteee9]

@happyhopej We really have very similar stories! And you are right, people don’t get how hard it is, which can be so frustrating. After I shared my worries with my mom, she told me that “I raised two children, I know exactly how hard it is!” No… mom… you don’t.

You said you cry when you leave NICU. Ironically, I cry BECAUSE I can’t leave NICU.

Thanks for your reply

 

[munzurul]

@vikuteee9 I second all the comments above. I wanted to add, in the beginning of our NICU stay, people who came by would say insensitive things like some of the other nurses or the X-ray people.. I spoke to the social worker and asked her to talk to the team and not say things like, "Oh my gosh, he is so tiny or he is so small." I wanted to scream. I know he's small. My body failed he was born at 22 weeks. Please stop making me feel like a failure, and since then, no one has said anything offensive. Find your social worker and they will help.

 

[vikuteee9]

@munzurul This is great advice. We are at a University hospital and yesterday, our pediatrician came by along with his 6(!!!) medical students, who all came look at my little girl. You know, being hormonal and all, the motherly instinct kicked out and I was so close to telling them to f off. This is not a zoo, this is my child doing her best to survive. I felt so disrespected, although the rational side in me understands that this is a university hospital and it was nothing personal. Its’s just that…. They don’t get it.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[jmbt]

@vikuteee9 I have felt all those feelings of failure that you have and more during my son’s NICU stay; honestly reading a lot of your post felt like I was reading one that I could’ve written myself last October. He was born at 27+5 and is home now, but I will never forget the 100+ days he was in the hospital as being the best and worst days of my life. The highs will be high and the lows will be low, but there are some positives that will come out of the experience! We can’t change how our babies made it into the world, but we can use that time to make sure we as parents are as strong as possible by the time they come home. As hard as it is, I would recommend taking time to go home and get quality rest. I learned the hard way that making the journey to the NICU only to sit by his isolette and cry was not helping my mental health, my relationship with my husband, or helping my baby whatsoever. Coming up with a schedule to visit that allowed me to take some time for myself each day is what got me through (along with starting Zoloft for PPD). Feel free to message me if you have any questions or need to vent!