7 year old girl

[nasael]

I need some help regarding my daughter. She’s being accused of behaving inappropriately by 2 other girls. I’ll try to give as much context as I can. One girl told the other girl that my daughter suggested while playing a game that the mom in the game should have S with the pretend dad. My child’s role in this game was not of the parents, she was pretending to be the child. Another accusation was they said my daughter said to pretend she was naked under a blanket.

The other parents wanted to have a group talk about this with the children present. I chose not to primarily to avoid any further humiliation to my daughter. With 2 girls saying one thing and her saying something different, it would’ve turned into an argument.

This whole time I’m thinking why would the other girls mother want to be involved if my child didn’t do anything to hers, upon me asking she said she did do something but refused to to tell me what.

My child has denied everything. I told her she wouldn’t get into trouble - still said no. I told her we would go shopping for a toy- didn’t admit it. I’ve been crying and begging and yelling to encourage her to talk to me if there is ANY shred of truth to this. She won’t budge.

She’s been saying this whole time that if she admits something then THAT would be a lie.

What do i do? How do I know who is lying? These other girls exclude my daughter daily. They always argue when all 3 are together. These other children are banned from playing with mine now.

My heart is broken for my girl. I need to know if she needs to talk to someone. If so, who? I’ve been told that curiosity is normal at this age but the mothers acting as if she’s not safe at home. One of the messages I got was to make sure they were all safe when playing.

I’m lost.

 

[walt90]

@nasael I think you deserve to know what happened in details. You said they’re refusing to tell you? The mothers & the girls should present to you a detailed description of what has happened between the children. You’ll know if they’re lying when you hear the full story. At least you’ll know how to approach your daughter. You can’t just keep asking her if she’s done something.

Either way what’s really important here is the safety of your child.

Befriend her. Make sure that she knows that regardless of anything she can always come talk to you. Even if you don’t resolve this issue with the girls right now, make sure that you are nurturing your child & your relationship with her.

 

[nasael]

@walt90 Yeah. So one of them wanted the conversation to end because I refused to allow them to talk to her with their kids. I thought 2 on 1 would be a little traumatic with parents and everything, plus, she was already upset and embarrassed.

She keeps things from me often. Silly things. I’ll ask her to put something away and she’ll say she did it. Then I check and it’s not done. I’ll ask why she didn’t just tell me and she shrugs and says I’ll yell. I do yell. I’m outnumbered and I don’t spank. I have a wonderful and very open , trusting relationship with my teens and she sees that. She asks me why it’s not like that with her and I tell her because she won’t talk to me. I’ve told her many times I’m here for her. She doesn’t utilize me.

 

[walt90]

@nasael I understand that you feel overwhelmed that she’s resisting your help. But children act on what they see not what they hear of. She knows you’re capable of not yelling because she sees you doing things differently with your teens. She even made it a point to ask you how you’re not the same with her. Difference in treatment between children is inevitable some slight differences occur every child is different anyways. You told her that she doesn’t open up to you well I believe now you’re unintentionally making your relationship with her conditional/transactional. When we deal with children we ought to think about things from their pov not ours. She has to tell you things for you to not yell but you do yell sometimes when she tells you things? Her brain is disorganized because she is getting mixed signals from what you’re saying, how you’re acting with her vs your teens & her inner conflicting dilemma that she wants so desperately to be close to your like your teens (how she compared the relationships). We often think about how our children are not fully utilizing us when it’s our job to utilize ourselves to them. If she hides something again silly like she does when you figure it out either choose to not make it a point at all or tell her oh i found this here maybe I wasn’t clear on the instructions I gave you then actually make it a bonding experience with her that she can try to listen to you again now & you will show her what exactly you needed from her. Do that thing with her & thank her for always being a helping hand. Make her feel special. Her comparing herself to her siblings means that she wants more attention which is absolutely natural especially if she’s acting out on sexual behavior. You don’t want to add to the shame or incompetence she’s feeling. She does communicate that question is pivotal when she asked you about your teens. This is good it means that she does express herself. Encourage more of expression..don’t take it personally. encourage her to draw, children illustrate their feelings well in drawings or coloring. Make her your best friend & she will open up to you like a flower waiting to bloom!

 

[nasael]

@walt90 lol I yell at my teens. They don’t listen to me worse than her. I try to remain consistent across the board. She can be very defiant and jealous. Because of that I try to carve out more one on one time with her. She doesn’t want to talk. It’s all play time, she wants to do and she’s very much go go go. I do my best to keep up with her but she’s not my youngest either. I’m always pulled in many directions.

Today we made a cake together. Just me and her. I had my oldest take the youngest and we spent the majority of today together. Tomorrow she wants a movie day. I try to accommodate all of them as best I can.

I’m very verbal. She gets affirmed quite often.

I think she sees me having big kid conversations with the older ones and I talk to her about age appropriate things. When I ask how her day was at school, her response is - it was ok. I say just ok? What did you do? Then she’ll tell me every bad thing she can think of and I ask her if she wants me to do anything for her - talk to the teacher, or parent if it’s kid related, she says no that I’ll embarrass her. I respect that. So she DOES talk to me I guess, I do get a lot of “I don’t knows” out of her too though.

This particular situation has opened up many avenues of conversation with us. I did reinforce how her body is private- I mentioned that before. I told her if she’s telling me that she didn’t do anything she’s being accused of because it’ll make her embarrassed or make me mad , she has nothing to worry about. I said I need to know what you need from me. I can’t help you if we don’t talk. There are no words I haven’t heard. I try for all my kids.

 

[walt90]

@nasael I’m certain that you do. Apologies if I came off with any slight bit of arrogance. You know your children best & you have to trust how you’re dealing with them is the right way. Sometimes things happen like this incident that frustrate us because we just don’t know what else could be done? With the situation you have mentioned I suggested you try to get more info from the mothers or their daughters about what has happened because they can’t just accuse people of things without giving a thorough explanation. If you know more you can discuss more in depth with her. With such conversations it’s usually more effective to start from what the child already knows or has done. It makes them feel equal before giving them extra info regarding what is right or wrong or how to deal with things accordingly. I believe this situation can open a whole new pathway that you can use to truly make sure that she’s safe & stays that way. Always trust your instincts. You’ve got this!

 

[nasael]

@walt90 Oh I didn’t take it that way at all. It was beneficial for me to write it out to see that I was wrong about my relationship with her.

I have tried to get them to tell me. This lady will not respond to me anymore. At first it aggravated me because I would have given her the courtesy of that information. Now that I’ve been marinating on it, I think I want to move on and not allow my daughter near hers- which oddly enough her kid came to my house looking for mine today. I sent her home. I can’t wrap my mind around someone telling something like that and saying that my kid makes hers uncomfortable then want to be around mine.

 

[walt90]

@nasael Something is certainly off about this whole situation. Your decision is right given the circumstances, very strong boundaries should be implemented between your kid & theirs. I applaud you for this. The games your child allegedly initiated lack in any specific visual reference. Abused children tend to know more details about certain sexual behaviors that they’ve been exposed to. Aside from this if she hasn’t exhibited any other alarming signs then maybe it’s out of curiosity or merely wanting to understand what sex is maybe she has heard about it or seen something on the television that alludes to S. Her wanting to be the child is a bit telling of an observer role, she’s not directly participating which is why I mentioned that may she has seen something & wants to repeat it to make sense of it. That is if their story is true. More details are needed anyways to jump to any solid conclusions.

 

[nasael]

@walt90 I wish I could give more. Unfortunately I’m stuck. Thank you for your kind words. I needed some positive feedback.

 

[walt90]

@nasael I’m honored. You’re never stuck. Not everything is under our control & as long as we’re trying there’s no shame in that. Let us know if there’s any updates. You’re an absolute delight to talk to. Good luck.

 

[nasael]

@walt90 She chose a movie for us this morning and loaded up on snacks. Later she wants to go swimming. I attempted to talk to one of the other moms and I hit another road block. They think she’s bad and want their kids to stay away. We’re taking things one day at a time and I’m going to try to distract her from her loneliness. You can private message me any time and I can keep you posted there.

 

[katie8455]

@nasael Being curious is normal, you’re correct. But it’s possible if the other girls were truly uncomfortable with whatever your daughter allegedly suggested then that could be considered COCSA (child on child sexual abuse) and that should raise concern with parents. Is it possible she’s attempting to reenact something she saw you do? Maybe, she could also be trying to reenact something she saw on tv. I think it’s highly unlikely she will admit it whether she did it or not. But I think now might be the right time to explain what is and isn’t okay to do with other children, it’s okay to be curious when you’re alone at home, but it’s not okay to touch other kids. These days more and more studies are being done on the effects of COCSA, even if the intention is not to harm the other child, children can 100% see this as a traumatic event as it is confusing and they don’t understand what is happening. I think you’re taking the right steps by not shaming her, but she does need to know that it’s not okay to say or do these things for the exact reason that is happening, parents may react very differently than you will.

 

[nasael]

@katie8455 She knows right and wrong. I haven’t had the talk with her yet about S and grown up stuff. I’ve only ever told her that her body is private and no one should be asking or telling you to show or touch etc. I even warned her that it’s more than just strangers. Even if it’s someone she knows- her body is private.

She asked me what S was when I was questioning her. I’m confused by how she could try to pretend to do something if she doesn’t know how it’s done or even the word for it.

 

[katie8455]

@nasael If she’s seen it somewhere she doesn’t need to know what it is to reenact it kids often do this when they “play doctor” and yet most of them don’t really know what sex is. The point is they don’t care what it is, they’re just curious.

 

[nasael]

@katie8455 That’s true, for some reason I was thinking she would have to know the word to know what it means or looks like. It wasn’t at my house. I have many kids lol i even watch cartoons. Makes me wonder what goes on when she’s at friends houses.