5 year old gives different accounts to me and coparent of how he feels spending time with my new partner’s family

[happy2bmarried]

For context, CP and I separated almost 4 years ago, we have 2 children together who are approaching 10 (F) and 6 (M). I have been with my new partner for 1 year and she has 3 children from a previous relationship.

My kids always seem happy and affectionate with my partner and love spending time with her kids, my youngest in particular will beg me to see them and play with them and ask to have sleepovers at their house. So far my kids have slept there overnight 3 times (on occassions when we have been to parties and been out later than their regular bedtime), and have always enjoyed it and been excited about it. Mostly during their weeks with me we will spend 1 afternoon with my partner and her kids.

Recently my son has been telling coparent he is tired of having sleepovers there, given her the impression we do it every weekend he is with me, and that he doesn’t understand why we have to keep going there. My relationship with CP is already strained as she is having a hard time accepting I’ve moved on with a new relationship, and this has not helped as she feels I’m not putting the best interests of our kids first.

Any help understanding why he might be saying things that seem so at odds with his actions, and how I can get him to talk about his feelings genuinely with me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[rcr93]

@happy2bmarried Do you believe your ex? If she’s not happy about your relationship then she could be negative with the kids about it. She could just react with negative words OR just look displeased. Is your son responding to that maybe? I would have a talk with him saying, hey it seems you always enjoy the times we spend with x, but your mom shares you may be having some other feelings…can you tell me more about that?

My partners kids and my kids have been spending time together and having so much fun, with sleepovers and asking for them often! My partners co-parent says nasty things or reacts negatively so we have learned, as what the the kids occasionally say are regurgitated and not at all what a 5 year old could conceptualize! Bitter exes who try to interfere with their kids happiness suck!

 

[happy2bmarried]

@rcr93 I believe her to an extent, but think that she’s maybe added her own spin on things. My son isn’t great at explaining himself and his reasons for things (he is 5 after all) so anything he’s said that’s not enthusiastic could have easily been turned into something bigger than it is.

I will try to have the conversation when they are back with me next week. This whole dynamic is taking its toll on me, it makes me feel as though I need to be secretive about where we go and what we do in order to avoid unnecessary conflict. I actually feel nervous about my kids mentioning my partner in front of their mum!

 

[johnsaviorman]

@happy2bmarried The other thing I would add is that kids can be very sensitive to the emotional response of the other parent when describing what's going on at their other home. They don't want to hurt the other parent's feelings and can really play down their own feelings to keep the peace. Could this be at play?

As another poster said, if he looks happy and is engaged at the sleep overs and hasn't expressed any frustration etc than I'd go with what you are seeing.

 

[rcr93]

@happy2bmarried Same age for my partners kid, it sounds to me like a negative spin from your co-parent. And also remember - you are in charge! If you see him engaged, having fun, and you are showing him attention and love - all signs point to having a good time together!

 

[serventofyeshua]

@happy2bmarried How frequent are the sleepovers? It is possible that your son feels both excited about the sleepovers but also feels tired of it at times. My daughter gets very excited about sleepovers with her grandparents, for example, but also will express other feelings like she misses her bed, her room, her routine at home, our pets etc. Depending on how frequent the sleepovers are, it might be a bit much for this child.

I would talk to your child about it and ask him more about his feelings and talk about the feelings wheel for kids. You can use an example about an event that makes you feel two different emotions, like when you have to leave playing at the park to go eat dinner. You might feel happy and excited about dinner because you're hungry, but sad that the time at the park is over, because it was so fun. Try to help him understand you can feel two conflicting feelings at once and that it's ok to express those feelings to you, and you are there to help them with feelings.

 

[happy2bmarried]

@serventofyeshua Thank you. There have been 3 over 3 months, there could definitely definitely be something in that.