2.5 yo b/g twins. Constant fighting

[mesosearch]

Ever since they turned 2... It's been nonstop fighting. I literally cannot turn around for 5 seconds or someone is pulling out wads of hair, hitting with a toy, wrestling the other one to the ground... It's mostly boy twin attacking girl twin, but not always. She instigates a lot by stealing a toy.

I've tried the gentle parenting way. "I won't let you hit, hitting hurts. Use your words, you can say 'stop!' or 'I need space.' " But nothing seems to be getting through. We've started doing a 2 minute time out, because it's becoming a safety issue. We frame it as they need some space from each other and then we talk about what they can do besides physical harm...

It's terrible and I'm dying inside.

Any other ideas? Anyone experience the same? Did it get better? Thanks, brave multiples parents!

 

[kings4ril]

@mesosearch The biggest thing that’s helped my kids stop fighting out in anger is to let them roughhouse a bit. Once I stopped getting in the middle of their wrestling matches, they started getting along better and now they have great relationships. They’re 12, 11, 11 & 9. They definitely do not get along at all times but it is much calmer than it was.

edit: typos

 

[mesosearch]

@kings4ril Ah, yes... It seems like boy twin just has it in his heart to be physical sometimes! I told my SO to offer more roughhousing with him, since girl twin really isn't into it.

 

[charlesmartin]

@mesosearch Absolutely no advice just pure solidarity, also have 2.5 year old b/g twins and the fighting is CONSTANT. I've also tried everything, and have accepted this is just a(nother) crappy phase we have to get through!

 

[mesosearch]

@charlesmartin Thanks for the solidarity! Sometimes I just need to know I'm not the only one suffering out here.

 

[kimsweverti23]

@mesosearch I just want to say it sounds like you are doing a Stella Job. Well done.
I did a parenting course in the UK. One thing she suggested was a joint reward pasta jar instead of separate charts, as it encourages team work over competition. They love it.
Also, praise praise praise when they are showing the behaviour you want.
Ask them to each give a solution (not sure they can at 2.5). E.g there's 1 toy but two of you, how can we work this out. Could also allow them to have a few special things that they don't need to share but majority is shared.
Oh and sometimes I've taken to just letting them argue (not if hurting or unsafe) and not getting involved and they seem to resolve it often. Sometimes I just seem to make it worse.
Er I think that's everything I have. I hate the fighting but , you are doing so well remaining calm.

 

[tweetsa]

@kimsweverti23 Great idea re: joint reward system!!

 

[amtowm]

@tweetsa Hello,If i may, what are the options for rewards that worked and did not work?

 

[mesosearch]

@kimsweverti23 Great pointers! Love the idea about asking them for solutions and the joint reward. Thanks!

 

[xuxu]

@mesosearch Hi this is my life too. Sounds like we’re trying the same things, so no real advice.

Something I tried today was making up a story for my kids about a family of foxes (that mirrored our family) where the two kiddo foxes get along SO WELL (with some specific examples about sharing and generosity). An hour or so later, one twin asked me for water, and the other twin declared they would get the water for their sib, and went and got it…

 

[mesosearch]

@xuxu Oooh stories! Love the idea.

 

[keelyjessica]

@mesosearch Ommmmgooodness I feel this in my soul! Your post brought back a flood of memories for me OP!

I too have B/G twins but they just turned 18, they don’t fight much anymore for the record but boy did they fight back in the day! I can say that it does get better and truly wish I had some suggestions for you! When you are in the thick of it, it can be so hard to keep your eye on the prize so to speak.

Recently my twins have started sharing stories about who did what and when. Which has been an eye opening and hilarious experience.

For the record when they started school I made sure they were in separate classrooms so they could make their own friends etc. but also because my girl started to be leaps and bounds more advanced than him. Thinking back on this now it was also because I knew how disruptive they could be when together haha! In about the first grade a teacher thanked me for doing this because she experienced them together first hand one day when a gym class overlapped.

Hang in there OP! You are doing an amazing job!

 

[mesosearch]

@keelyjessica Well, it's good to know you and yours survived! 18. That's a big deal! When things feel really hopeless in the thick of it, I remember how someday they'll be older. Then I get sad thinking about that. I just can't win! Thank you for the encouragement!

About separate classrooms; we live in a little town where there's only one class for each grade... So... Sorry teachers!

 

[moore2014]

@mesosearch Stay the course. We are on the other side of this and took a very similar approach. It was horrible for like 4 months and got gradually better over time. Now they’re 3 plus 2mo and can play alone for like 20 minutes with minimal supervision. I usually made the aggressor sit with me for a few minutes (like I held their hand, took them away, and sat them down; sometimes I had to hold them bc they had a tantrum by being taken over). I said ‘when you are calm we will talk and then you can go play’. When they were calm I told them what happened and why I made them sit, then made them give a hug or high five to apologize. And a lot of modeling. When one steals a toy, make them go back and say - ‘turn please’. And encourage the first kid to say ‘I don’t like that!’ When their toy gets stolen

 

[mesosearch]

@moore2014 Thank you!

 

[krikkor]

@mesosearch No advice as mine don’t get physical but they do argue and whine CONSTANTLY. They whine because the other one said a word they didn’t like or cry because one wanted something while the other wanted something different.mine are 3.5 yo so a bit older than yours but still same issues.

 

[mesosearch]

@krikkor Omg, whining! My older kid is the queen of this, can't wait til there are three of them doing it.

 

[krikkor]

@mesosearch It is LITERALLY the most annoying thing they do and that’s saying A LOT lol. They’re pretty good kids and try their best to handle their emotions but when they lose it, they LOSE it. Especially my daughter who seems to be more in control with her emotions. When she’s tired, you KNOW.

Don’t know how to fix it but just ride out the tantrums as best as we can.

 

[dja7227]

@mesosearch Four year old boy twins here. I'm not going to say that the fighting gets better. It definitely gets more intense (biting, grabbing and clawing faces, pulling down into the floor, actual punching). They do play together pretty well sometimes now and occasionally will play separately. Boy, when they're fighting, though, they're fighting. I think it just depends on the tiny human. I know some twin parents who have pretty much zero fighting. Good luck with that whole gentle parenting thing. Lol.

 

[mesosearch]

@dja7227 Oh man, this isn't what I wanted to hear! Lol. Maybe I need to teach girl twin how to fight back. Haha. Yeah, I said we're "trying" gentle parenting... It's hard to stay cool.