18 Year Old Not Speaking to Dad, Should I?

melissa517

New member
My kid, "C.", turned 18 in January is graduating high school in June. She is a good kid and salutatorian of her class. Her bio dad comes from a different culture, and has always been hard on her. I knew C. was gay when she was 9 years old, so it didn't suprise me when she came out to me at 13. While she never came out to her dad, he was pretty angry about how she dressed/did her hair/types of friends she had, and they were in constant conflict. By the time she was 14, he just stopped picking her up for his custody and parenting time. He texts occasionally, but also guilts her over text. They've seen each other twice in the past three years: once we met at the post office to do her passport for a summer camp, the other time I asked her to invite him and her half-siblings to a performance she was doing. That was in fall 2021, they haven't seen each other since. In February, C. got a text that her paternal grandfather was very ill. C. loves her dad's family, so she drove to the hospital to be her grandfather. She texted her dad every few days after that but he didn't respond. Last week, her dad texted her and asked when graduation was. C. asked how her grandfather was, and was told that he died in March. C. was very upset, sobbing, and blocked her dad on her phone. She's a legal adult, her dad does't pay child support and isn't helping us pay for college, so I didn't argue with her about it. Today her dad texted me asking when graduation is and where C. is going to college. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to tell him how to get graduation tickets, as C. clearly doesn't want him there. But I feel badly not answering him. What should I do?
 
@melissa517 Well the grandfather died in March. Dad finally let C know in May. So wait until two months after her graduation ceremony then text him letting him know when and where the ceremony was. Then block him and move on with your life. He’s not entitled to anything from you or C.
 
@christtoulese Possibly adding, "Do you even know that she's blocked you and why? You need to make this right with her. If you didn't want her at your father's funeral, I'm not sure why you want to come to her graduation."
 
@melissa517 Take the lead from c. Responding to him may spawn a desire to find out for himself about her graduation. My kids is available on the schools website. If she doesn’t want him to know, don’t be a flying monkey and tell him yourself. I wouldn’t respond.
 
@melissa517 You’re not your exes secretary and you absolutely should not feel bad not answering him. He would know the details he’s asking about if he had treated his daughter with respect, it’s not your job to be the middle person anymore. His daughter is 18. She blocked him (for good reason IMO). When she’s ready she knows how to get in contact with him. If he is the type that will pester/guilt trip/harass you until he gets an answer then I suggest you block him as well.
 
@melissa517 If you feel bad for him then u have your priorities mixed up. Really? If u even give him any info you are betraying her. She owes him nothing.

He has no right to take part in a celebration (graduation) of one of the biggest achievements/milestones of one’s life if he didn’t put in the work to help get her there.

Graduation should be about Her not about him or you and their relationship is theirs, you shouldn’t have any part in it. She’s an adult now. Respect her wishes.

He didn’t help you coparent according to your story. Your daughter owes him nothing.

Blood doesn’t make a family it only makes you related. Family are those that put in the time love and dedication to be in each others lives. Family are those you can count on
 
@melissa517 If you want to respond, you can simply let him know that you will not be giving away that information per C’s wishes. I wouldn’t push her to communicate with him. He’s made how he feels about C pretty clear.
 
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