Like the title suggest my ex and I are expecting in early June. I want to know what kind of activities I can do with my BM and son to strengthen both connections. I’m wondering about this early because I have 3 more years of college to go and I’m away. I know the first 2 years are the most crucial and I’ll be gone for months at a time leaving her(who’s taking a gap year before applying to college in fall 2025) to take care of the baby alone with her parents and minor help from mine who are back home. I know he’ll always know who daddy is but I want him to be able to connect with me on a level that makes him feel safe and loved. I didn’t have this connection growing up and I don’t know what to do. Any advice and tips help.
18(M) wondering how to maximize quality time with son and BM 18(F) (6 months pregnant)
- Thread starter vivienh
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debbiezaina
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@debbiezaina I can transfer but I am not willing to take a gap as I’m almost done with my first year already. I would transfer closer to home (currently 1:30 drive) but my life long dream has been to go to college and be away
debbiezaina
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@vivienh
I get it, but you have a kid now. Your dream doesn't need to take a back seat, but it does need to be adjustable. When you're old and looking back, it'll be no contest between the typical college experience and having that precious time with your first born. You can make it work if you're away too, though, so don't get the wrong idea. But the fact the two of you aren't together will make that so much more difficult.
I get it, but you have a kid now. Your dream doesn't need to take a back seat, but it does need to be adjustable. When you're old and looking back, it'll be no contest between the typical college experience and having that precious time with your first born. You can make it work if you're away too, though, so don't get the wrong idea. But the fact the two of you aren't together will make that so much more difficult.
@debbiezaina Cooperating with an ex is the biggest hurdle but to be fair I’m less worried about how she’ll interact with me and more so interested to see how she will portray and treat me in front of our kid. I know nothing in my life is more valuable than him and I want her to know I feel that way. Transferring a little closer and forgoing the “college experience” might be step one.
mundagurra
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@vivienh
But in the previous comment you said you won't consider taking a gap year from college because this has been your life long dream. "Nothing" would mean that you'd be willing to sacrifice anything, and this is clearly not the case.
I'm not telling you what the right decision is, but you're contradicting yourself. It's not about picking either yourself or the kid, it's about priority when both conflict, and right now you are in a situation where you can't both have your cake and eat it.
Either pick yourself and own that decision, including the effect this has on the bond with your kid, or pick your kid, including the effect this has on your personal dreams.
But in the previous comment you said you won't consider taking a gap year from college because this has been your life long dream. "Nothing" would mean that you'd be willing to sacrifice anything, and this is clearly not the case.
I'm not telling you what the right decision is, but you're contradicting yourself. It's not about picking either yourself or the kid, it's about priority when both conflict, and right now you are in a situation where you can't both have your cake and eat it.
Either pick yourself and own that decision, including the effect this has on the bond with your kid, or pick your kid, including the effect this has on your personal dreams.
@mundagurra I feel as if a gap year is unnecessary. A more viable option would be to transfer closer to home and switch to part time so I can work when I’m not in class and then spend my off time with him. Completely leaving school to me is not an option right now.
These next 3 years are years he won’t remember when he’s older so I feel staying in school (but closer to home) will turn out best. I appreciate you for pointing out my contradictions.
In terms of priority getting these 4 years out the way and into a career is the best course of action. I’m very open to hearing what you think.
These next 3 years are years he won’t remember when he’s older so I feel staying in school (but closer to home) will turn out best. I appreciate you for pointing out my contradictions.
In terms of priority getting these 4 years out the way and into a career is the best course of action. I’m very open to hearing what you think.
mundagurra
New member
@vivienh "not an option" means that you couldn't do it even if you wanted to. This is not the case at all. You could, from the point in time you read this, never attend school ever again. I'm not saying that you have to do this, I'm saying that there isn't an invisible unstoppable force making you go to school.
You don't want to leave school. And that's fine. But you'll have to accept the consequences that this has on your presence as a dad in your child's life.
If you think parenting is only about creating memories for your son later in life, then you have a very restricted understanding of what parenting entails. This is the same as going on a holiday not to see the sights but to be able to go home and tell others that you did it. The memory is not the goal.
"That's okay, they won't remember that I did this" is not an acceptable excuse for anything.
You are dead set on sticking with your college/career track. And no one should tell you that that's wrong in and of itself. But you have unrealistic expectations of your ability to at the same time be a genuine parent to your child and remain on this college/career track.
You can't just will this conflict out of existence.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but most absent/deadbeat/unavailable parents did not explicitly choose to be such a parent. They just had other things to do that were more important to them.
You don't want to leave school. And that's fine. But you'll have to accept the consequences that this has on your presence as a dad in your child's life.
If you think parenting is only about creating memories for your son later in life, then you have a very restricted understanding of what parenting entails. This is the same as going on a holiday not to see the sights but to be able to go home and tell others that you did it. The memory is not the goal.
"That's okay, they won't remember that I did this" is not an acceptable excuse for anything.
You are dead set on sticking with your college/career track. And no one should tell you that that's wrong in and of itself. But you have unrealistic expectations of your ability to at the same time be a genuine parent to your child and remain on this college/career track.
You can't just will this conflict out of existence.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but most absent/deadbeat/unavailable parents did not explicitly choose to be such a parent. They just had other things to do that were more important to them.
@mundagurra AMAZINGLY PUT. I agree completely and I’ll have to make hard choices soon because I can’t have 100% of both parenthood and college. I’m set on not being a deadbeat because I can’t live with that. My priorities are a mess and I plan devoting time to understanding what it is I really want for myself and my future.
rambabumasa
New member
@rambabumasa Very true. It’s hectic to be in a position to not know what’s next and what the best course of action might be
mundagurra
New member
@vivienh A few thoughts here:
- I hear you on not wanting to take a gap year. It can be hard to go back to school once you've taken a break. Especially when it's because of something as important as childcare.
- A 1:30 drive is not "away." The world is huge. 90 minutes of driving is a rounding error in terms of expanding your worldview. Instead, you should think about how often you want to see your son and the mother of your child and how much driving (and gas money) that'll add to your weekly (or whatever frequency) schedule/budget. I get that colleges don't grow on trees, but if it's an option, you should move closer. As /@apricity-by-ford said, you have a kid now. Your choices are different. You wanting to move away from home for college when you were 15 is no longer really an option if you want to be truly present in your son's life. Edit: also consider that three hours of roundtrip driving will make some visits impossible, while one hour of roundtrip driving is less of an obstacle. Want to stop by for dinner on a weeknight? That becomes much easier if you're not giving up two extra hours of class/studying/other important uses of your time that aren't simply sitting in a car.
- An important part of building the emotional bond you're describing is being physically present as often as possible. If you want to live up to your potential as a father, as you say you do, you have to prioritize this above many of the more "fun" aspects of college. You can still go to school and have a blast, but your experience will be different from what you were picturing.
- If you have the time, you may want to consider reading (parts of) The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, as it includes sections on co-parenting with an ex. Overall, I think the book does a great job of focusing your attention on the most important things in building a strong bond with your child.
- Last but not least, don't try to boil the ocean. There is a lot ahead of you, from school to childcare to being a great co-parent with your ex and the start of your post-college career. Take it a day at a time, and always be as positive as you can.
@lloyd81
- I know if I leave I won’t come back as I’m not some school lover. Many have suggested dropping out and getting into trades but I want that to be my last option.
- I’ve just ordered it
- I’m moving as slow as the days allow me to. Thank you for providing your input
@vivienh You can't have both right now.
You didn't have this connection growing up and your son will also not have this connection if you make the choice you seem set on making at the moment.
Hard truths.
I have further thoughts on how you could do college but still be there for your kid if you're receptive.
You didn't have this connection growing up and your son will also not have this connection if you make the choice you seem set on making at the moment.
Hard truths.
I have further thoughts on how you could do college but still be there for your kid if you're receptive.
@vivienh I would encourage you to check out your local community college. With or without a kid, it would likely be cheaper, you just need to make some calls to confirm that the credits would be transferable to whatever college you ultimately go to.
Also check out online colleges- I think charter oak is a legitimate one.
The idea here is you can spend time getting your general credits without forsaking bonding time with your kid.
Do you have a general idea of what you want to pursue in college?
Also check out online colleges- I think charter oak is a legitimate one.
The idea here is you can spend time getting your general credits without forsaking bonding time with your kid.
Do you have a general idea of what you want to pursue in college?
tegbaker42
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tegbaker42
New member
Birth mother. God I'm dumb.