Hello everyone,
I have a 14 year old brother who is extremely stubborn. This is starting to cause a problem with communication between us and him. The main challenge that we're facing right now is that he doesn't want to study at all. He reached the point where he hates studying.
We have faced this challenge before with him because he only spends his time on YT, Tiktok and games. He just doesn't want to study. But recently with the online studying it's getting worse.
Now, if you must know we are a family of 10 members. 5 girls and 3 boys (with my parents 10):
He finally started to get more responsible about his study when one day my dad got really angry because of him and almost had a heart attack. Since that day he changed a little bit and started to study better. Last week, we had to get him a tablet so he can have easier access to get to the lessons throughout the day instead of using mom's mobile. Of course, we still had a challenge with him but definitely not like before. So my mom would still tell him to get off the phone and study several times a day. Today my mom told him as usual because he didn't study at all yesterday, and then my other brothers did the same, and I guess that was his breaking point.
He just raged at everyone saying that he will and there's no need for them to tell him that every day. And he got so angry that he said he decided to not study at all because he will bother us the same way we bother him.
He literally just watched YT for over 3 hours. I honestly was waiting for him to come and talk to me about it but he didn't, so I did. He literally just said the same words over and over; I don't want to study anymore, I will hurt you the same way you hurt me. He started crying and I did as well because I never thought that we were hurting him at all. I told him that's not what intended, and that we just love him and worry about him all the time and this is something that we can't control.
I apologized to him and told him that we have definitely expressed our feelings in a wrong way, and that we will stop doing that. I tried my best to focus on the idea that it was never our intention to hurt him in any way, but still nothing. He just repeating the same phrases that he will hurt us with not studying and doing the opposite of what we want.
Eventually, I agreed with my parents to just leave him be, and to stop asking about his study. When I told him this, he still said I don't care what you say or do, I will never study ever again. I honestly thought that he would understand and the whole thing will be over, but no.
My question is, is this the right thing to do? Have we been doing things the wrong way this whole time? Is there anything else at all that we can do?
Please know that dropping out of school is not an option. Where we live, you can't find a good job AT ALL if you don't have a BSc. like, literally AT ALL. If you want to have a basic good job where you can get paid the minimal wage at least you need to have a BSc. So, it's very important for to at least get his BSc, and then he can do whatever he wants. I know it's too early to talk about that, but I just wanted to clarify this point.
I'm so sorry for the long post, but I wanted to explain in details so you have a clear picture for the situation. Thank you so much for reading.
I have a 14 year old brother who is extremely stubborn. This is starting to cause a problem with communication between us and him. The main challenge that we're facing right now is that he doesn't want to study at all. He reached the point where he hates studying.
We have faced this challenge before with him because he only spends his time on YT, Tiktok and games. He just doesn't want to study. But recently with the online studying it's getting worse.
Now, if you must know we are a family of 10 members. 5 girls and 3 boys (with my parents 10):
- Eldest sister 31 years old studying PhD.
- Older sister 29 years old has MA.
- Me 27 years old has MA.
- Younger brother 25 years old studying MA.
- Younger sister 22 years old studying Medicine BSc.
- Youngest sister 19 years old studying Medicine BSc.
- Younger brother 16 years old still in school.
- Youngest brother 14 years old still in school (the one we're having a challenge with).
He finally started to get more responsible about his study when one day my dad got really angry because of him and almost had a heart attack. Since that day he changed a little bit and started to study better. Last week, we had to get him a tablet so he can have easier access to get to the lessons throughout the day instead of using mom's mobile. Of course, we still had a challenge with him but definitely not like before. So my mom would still tell him to get off the phone and study several times a day. Today my mom told him as usual because he didn't study at all yesterday, and then my other brothers did the same, and I guess that was his breaking point.
He just raged at everyone saying that he will and there's no need for them to tell him that every day. And he got so angry that he said he decided to not study at all because he will bother us the same way we bother him.
He literally just watched YT for over 3 hours. I honestly was waiting for him to come and talk to me about it but he didn't, so I did. He literally just said the same words over and over; I don't want to study anymore, I will hurt you the same way you hurt me. He started crying and I did as well because I never thought that we were hurting him at all. I told him that's not what intended, and that we just love him and worry about him all the time and this is something that we can't control.
I apologized to him and told him that we have definitely expressed our feelings in a wrong way, and that we will stop doing that. I tried my best to focus on the idea that it was never our intention to hurt him in any way, but still nothing. He just repeating the same phrases that he will hurt us with not studying and doing the opposite of what we want.
Eventually, I agreed with my parents to just leave him be, and to stop asking about his study. When I told him this, he still said I don't care what you say or do, I will never study ever again. I honestly thought that he would understand and the whole thing will be over, but no.
My question is, is this the right thing to do? Have we been doing things the wrong way this whole time? Is there anything else at all that we can do?
Please know that dropping out of school is not an option. Where we live, you can't find a good job AT ALL if you don't have a BSc. like, literally AT ALL. If you want to have a basic good job where you can get paid the minimal wage at least you need to have a BSc. So, it's very important for to at least get his BSc, and then he can do whatever he wants. I know it's too early to talk about that, but I just wanted to clarify this point.
I'm so sorry for the long post, but I wanted to explain in details so you have a clear picture for the situation. Thank you so much for reading.