14 year old brother is very stubborn

[gatorcita]

Hello everyone,

I have a 14 year old brother who is extremely stubborn. This is starting to cause a problem with communication between us and him. The main challenge that we're facing right now is that he doesn't want to study at all. He reached the point where he hates studying.

We have faced this challenge before with him because he only spends his time on YT, Tiktok and games. He just doesn't want to study. But recently with the online studying it's getting worse.

Now, if you must know we are a family of 10 members. 5 girls and 3 boys (with my parents 10):

1. Eldest sister 31 years old studying PhD.
2. Older sister 29 years old has MA.
3. Me 27 years old has MA.
4. Younger brother 25 years old studying MA.
5. Younger sister 22 years old studying Medicine BSc.
6. Youngest sister 19 years old studying Medicine BSc.
7. Younger brother 16 years old still in school.
8. Youngest brother 14 years old still in school (the one we're having a challenge with).

As you can see, we are a family who loves and appreciates education ALOT. Of course we weren't perfect in school, I still remember the struggles our parents had to go through to get us to this point. But not like my youngest brother. My mom would literally tell him to get off the phone and study at least 4 times a day. And when my dad gets back from work he would ask him if he has studied or not (99% of the times the answer was no) and my dad would get pissed off immediately (My dad is 65 and my mom is 55, and after raising 8 kids they kind of started to lose patience over such matters).

He finally started to get more responsible about his study when one day my dad got really angry because of him and almost had a heart attack. Since that day he changed a little bit and started to study better. Last week, we had to get him a tablet so he can have easier access to get to the lessons throughout the day instead of using mom's mobile. Of course, we still had a challenge with him but definitely not like before. So my mom would still tell him to get off the phone and study several times a day. Today my mom told him as usual because he didn't study at all yesterday, and then my other brothers did the same, and I guess that was his breaking point.

He just raged at everyone saying that he will and there's no need for them to tell him that every day. And he got so angry that he said he decided to not study at all because he will bother us the same way we bother him.

He literally just watched YT for over 3 hours. I honestly was waiting for him to come and talk to me about it but he didn't, so I did. He literally just said the same words over and over; I don't want to study anymore, I will hurt you the same way you hurt me. He started crying and I did as well because I never thought that we were hurting him at all. I told him that's not what intended, and that we just love him and worry about him all the time and this is something that we can't control.

I apologized to him and told him that we have definitely expressed our feelings in a wrong way, and that we will stop doing that. I tried my best to focus on the idea that it was never our intention to hurt him in any way, but still nothing. He just repeating the same phrases that he will hurt us with not studying and doing the opposite of what we want.

Eventually, I agreed with my parents to just leave him be, and to stop asking about his study. When I told him this, he still said I don't care what you say or do, I will never study ever again. I honestly thought that he would understand and the whole thing will be over, but no.

My question is, is this the right thing to do? Have we been doing things the wrong way this whole time? Is there anything else at all that we can do?

Please know that dropping out of school is not an option. Where we live, you can't find a good job AT ALL if you don't have a BSc. like, literally AT ALL. If you want to have a basic good job where you can get paid the minimal wage at least you need to have a BSc. So, it's very important for to at least get his BSc, and then he can do whatever he wants. I know it's too early to talk about that, but I just wanted to clarify this point.

I'm so sorry for the long post, but I wanted to explain in details so you have a clear picture for the situation. Thank you so much for reading.

 

[kris8585]

@gatorcita Those are some big shoes to fill. I wonder if he doesn’t love education as much as the rest of the family and feels like he could never add up, which depressed him. Just a thought, and not everyone will follow in their siblings shoes. I have a 14 year old that despises remote learning and asked me if he can take freshman year over next year so he can have the full freshman experience, fully acknowledging the fact he could lose out on all of his honors classes (which are all but 1). It’s a different time right now

 

[gatorcita]

@kris8585 Oh, I never thought about it this way. Well, I gotta talk about this with my parents and my siblings to focus more on the present time for my brother instead of what he should be when he grows up.

fully acknowledging the fact he could lose out on all of his honors classes (which are all but 1). It’s a different time right now

I guess my brother is the same in some way. As you said, different times :/

 

[kris8585]

@gatorcita I was super hard on my kids during this and it did me no good. He needs support right now. He’s not happy and when he’s not happy and challenged, he shuts down. Maybe your brother is like that. It’s hard to stay focused or even want to do well when you don’t have a deadline like, we know this is temporary, but HOW much longer?!? My son is really brilliant! In fact, he started learning Japanese last night on his own and he’s obsessed. When he is interested in something he throws himself fully into it. Just not online school lol. Just give him some grace. And give yourself some too!

 

[gatorcita]

@kris8585 Yea, being too hard on him totally backfired. For now, only my mom checks on him occasionally, the rest of us decided to just be there for him in case he needs help with homework.

Just give him some grace. And give yourself some too!

We've always had problems showing each other how much we care, so we just scream at each other. But, we know now and we're working on it!

Thank you so much for your advice!

 

[kris8585]

@gatorcita You’re so welcome. Everything is gonna be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. Hugs OP

 

[neonlili]

@gatorcita There could be several different things going on with him. I’m going to just cover 3 and offer a few alternatives. It’s up to you my family or a therapist to figure out exactly what’s going on so you can best come up with a plan.

Formal education isn’t for everyone. Seeing as how he’s only 14 though he might not have much choice in the matter. In parts of the US children are required to attend school until 16. (Not sure where you’re at.)
14 year olds are typically high school freshman here. But there are some schools that have hands on trades that you can study in high school like automotive, culinary, etc... is there possibly a program like that where you are that he could enroll in?

If the issue is that he would rather spend his time vegging out on you tube then maybe the solution is to take away the ability to sit around and watch it. You can ask your school if there is an alternative to online classes. If he has physical books and papers to deal with that could help eliminate the ease of getting distracted.

The pandemic has everyone in different levels of stress. No one can control the restrictions or how different everyday life is right now, including him. But he can control wether or not he’s going to study. He might not even realize or be able to communicate his own anxiety about how different life is right now. Possibly reach out to a guidance counselor at school or a therapist.

I hope something here was semi helpful.

 

[gatorcita]

@neonlili

But there are some schools that have hands on trades that you can study in high school like automotive, culinary, etc... is there possibly a program like that where you are that he could enroll in?

I live in the Middle East, in Jordan specifically, and the education is system is a little bit different. For the first point you mentioned, there are these choices once he 17 years old (basically the last 2 years in school before he chooses to go to university or college).

And we don't have any problem if he chooses to go with the academic field or anything else, but still the issue is he's gonna work his way to get there.

If the issue is that he would rather spend his time vegging out on you tube then maybe the solution is to take away the ability to sit around and watch it.

We have thought about this option for a while now. Last night we agreed to stop asking him about his studies if he promised to be more responsible (he told us we bothered him a lot with the questions so we're stopping them for now). So we will see how this goes.

You can ask your school if there is an alternative to online classes. If he has physical books and papers to deal with that could help eliminate the ease of getting distracted.

They actually still use the books, and the teachers still require them to do some of the homework on paper and send them pictures, but still he just doesn't want to.

He might not even realize or be able to communicate his own anxiety about how different life is right now. Possibly reach out to a guidance counselor at school or a therapist.

Probably yeah, that's why I tried talking to him in different ways to get him to trust me more and to express his feelings, but I don't even know if I'm doing it correctly. I will ask my parents if they know a good counselor in our area that we can ask for more help in the area.

Thank you so much!

 

[bronald]

@gatorcita I think it’s probably overwhelming having multiple people asking all the time about his studies. There should only be one or two people asking and guiding at a time. He most likely feels like he’s just constantly being harassed about it.

Another thing is why does he have unlimited access to his phone or the internet? These things should be used as a resource to encourage him to get his schoolwork done. If he goes to a public school, most schools have given access to school owned laptops or chrome books. These have everything he needs to do his schoolwork and are heavily filtered so he can’t just use garbage apps on it. I’d say, he can only use school resources during the school day and once an adult checks to make sure his work has been done, this adult can then give him access to his personal devices for a limited time. Make him earn the things he enjoys.

 

[gatorcita]

@bronald

I think it’s probably overwhelming having multiple people asking all the time about his studies. There should only be one or two people asking and guiding at a time. He most likely feels like he’s just constantly being harassed about it.

Oh. Omg you're right. All this time we've focused on what to do but never thought how it actually affects him. For now we have agreed with him to stop asking him about his studies if he promised to be more responsible. To show him that we really trust him and care about him. I hope this clears the misunderstanding that happened and the negative feelings we've been unconsciously putting him through.

I will talk to my parents about having just one or two people checking on him once in a while. This definitely would be better than all of us going on him.

Another thing is why does he have unlimited access to his phone or the internet? These things should be used as a resource to encourage him to get his schoolwork done.

You have no idea how much I talked to my parents not do it T_T. Both my youngest brothers kept pressuring my parents that all of their peers have them and they don't want to be left out, and so my parents gave them what they wanted since they trusted them that they will be responsible. Apparently it didn't work.

If he goes to a public school, most schools have given access to school owned laptops or chrome books. These have everything he needs to do his schoolwork and are heavily filtered so he can’t just use garbage apps on it.

I live in the Middle East, and the schools system here is disastrously bad. They don't have anything you mentioned above unfortunately.

I’d say, he can only use school resources during the school day and once an adult checks to make sure his work has been done, this adult can then give him access to his personal devices for a limited time.

I'll keep this idea in mind in case what we're trying with him now doesn't work. Thanks a lot for the suggenstion!

Make him earn the things he enjoys.

This. I swear my youngest brothers don't know how easy their life is.

Thank you so so so much for your suggestions!!