“we weren’t even trying!”

[amyamelia]

I’ve seen a few people comment on here that they have friends / know of people who got pregnant accidentally / weren’t even trying. And I’ve read how hurtful that is to hear. It is honestly one of the hardest things for me to hear, too. But I wanted to offer a little perspective on that comment. I have several friends / friends of friends who “accidentally got pregnant”, and then they have told me personally, or I’ve heard through the grape vine that is was planned for whatever reason -some without their husbands even knowing. But they told people that it was an “accident”. It’s truly one of the most wild things to me, but I now have 4 people in my life who told everyone it was a surprise, but they actually secretly planned it. I’m not saying this is always the case, I know it’s totally not. But hearing this somewhat helps me, and I hope it can help others, too. We really don’t know what goes on behind the scenes.

On another note: anyone else have friends who didn’t necessarily have a “surprise” pregnancy, but who all got pregnant easily!? ALL of my friends conceived on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd try. I don’t have a single friend who struggled. It makes this journey feel 100x harder.

Anyway, rant over.

 

[oorah1588]

@amyamelia One of my ex coworkers who was my best friend for a good year and a half had sex with her husband unprotected ONE TIME Literally and got pregnant.

Meanwhile I've been family planning and stressing for 8 years and while I did get pregnant my second cycle it ended in miscarriage and 2 months of heavy bleeding.

I have no qualms over it because my mom prepared me well for miscarriage (she had 2 or 3 and so did my grandma). But damn girl!!! I can't believe a spur of the moment decision landed her a baby like it's so simple!! Lol

 

[eddie61]

@amyamelia We’ve been TTC for 18 months now, with no luck yet.

However, husband and I haven’t told anyone we’re trying. Whenever someone asks us about kids we just say “when we’re ready” because 1. I’m highly sensitive about this topic and will just breakdown whenever people try giving me their “tips and tricks” and unsolicited advice, 2. I’m not someone who likes sharing my struggles and problems. I’d rather suck it up and keep things private. When we do conceive and decide to share, for sure people will ask if we were “trying” and I’d rather say “it just happened” than explain a sob story of trying to conceive for such a long time blah blah.

So sometimes people say “didn’t plan it, just happened” but it could be that they don’t want to share that they were actively TTC and the struggles that come with it

 

[jadair80]

@eddie61 This.

I think a lot of couples try the "not trying not preventing" route, which IS trying (and is actually all the NHS recommends for most couples) and they are intimidated by the TTC journey. It's easier to see it (or explain to others) as Just "seeing what happens" even though logically we ALL know what we're hoping for or likely to get if you're having regular unprotected PIV.

Infertility is so scary that nobody wants to think about it or talk about it. Abd couples may fe intimidated by trying hard for z pregnancy or admitting how much they want kids, in case they have problems conceiving. It's so weird that we're meant to act sort of...casual and nonchalant about what is often a deep desire for many people.

Theres a stigma around saying you are trying (aver seen those gross "eww why are you telling me you like rawdogging/creampies" comments from people who think that family planning or fertility should never be discussed and people should just show up with a scan and a second trimester pregnancy. Some people really are just prudes about the fact that trying for a baby comes with fucking, for most couples. Like...we know most couples are having sex, whether they have kids or not. We dont need to dwell on it but we also dont need to try to hide it or stop talking about wanting a family. Sex is normal and healthy, as is planning a family (or not wanting one).

But unfortunately I do think that if we as couples never discuss TTC and all pretend we werent trying, it becomes a vicious cycle where nobody feels comfortable to admit they were trying.

 

[shesalright]

@eddie61 We’ve been TTC for 15 months also with no luck. Only one close couple friend and his parents know because we are also private people and it’s hard for us to talk about openly. But, when we finally get there, I will absolutely share our struggles. We’re the only couple we know of that hasn’t gotten it one first or second try and it’s been extremely lonely.

 

[amyamelia]

@shesalright I’m also in the camp where all my friends had success on the first few tries. Or many had “surprises”. You’re not alone.

 

[amyamelia]

@eddie61 This is actually such a good point. I haven’t been super honest with even my closest friends and family what I’m going through, so I sure as heck won’t get into the whole story if/when it does happen. It’s just easier. And personally, I don’t feel the need or desire to share.

 

[riverrose]

@eddie61 Honestly I relate to what you're saying. I'm also not interested in telling everyone an in depth story, but at the same time I'll definitely share that it took a while - I don't want anyone who might be trying (and also not sharing it) to feel even more defeated. I actually have a friend who I think took a while (from hints here and there), but when I asked she just deflected and didn't respond, and of course I didn't press. But I would love to know, maybe get tips, or just share that it's not easy and to not feel so alone.

So I'll probably just say "yeah, did take a few months" to casual acquaintances and deflect after that, and to closer friends I'll share the number of months

 

[taxidermy]

@amyamelia I had 1 suprise pregnancy (ended in loss at 12 weeks) and got pregnant super easily with my daughter 3 rd try. Now I still get pregnant super easily — out of 4iuis I got pregnant 3 times and had 3 chemicals and out of 5 IVF transfsrs I’ve gotten pregnant every time and had a loss each time ranging from chemical to MMC at 8 weeks (twice) … it really sucks - idk why my body is broken— I’d rather just get a negative than have loss after loss

 

[wort01]

@taxidermy This is somewhat similar to me. Got pregnant last year first time trying. Loss at 15 weeks. This year two back to back chemicals. Also had a miscarriage about 10 years ago. No living children. So frustrating. Praying I somehow get answers as to why.

 

[taxidermy]

@wort01 Aww I think the empty arms phase is by far the hardest. As much as all my losses suck - I’m so grateful for my daughter . I’m starting to think she was my one and only golden egg bc I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give her a sibling …. I’m not sure at what point I’ll be ok with her being an only child - I am and I don’t want that for her — BUT if I didn’t have any kids I would be devastated and not ok at all , my whole life all I wanted to was be a mom and she made that dream come true —-

I really hope you get your take home baby soon . If you haven’t yet maybe look into RI - there’s only a few in the country and they are expensive. (Derbala, KK, Jubiz , AEB and braverman institute are a few) It’s something I almost did expect I already do a full immune protocol and the only think we haven’t done is IVIG which I likely cannot afford anyways so not sure there’s a points . I also got the book “is your body baby friendly” written by the AEB founder and “it starts with the egg”

 

[wort01]

@taxidermy Yeah at this point I wish I had just gotten pregnant sooner! At this point I have fibroids and cysts smh. What does RI stand for?? And a close friend also suggested it starts with the egg! Def gotta get that one! I hope you get your second baby as well!

 

[taxidermy]

@wort01 Can you get the fibroids removed? That could deff be part of your problem. Reproductive Immunologist — it’s a super small subset of people- most REs think it’s a load of crap but a lot of RIs find reasons for the unexplained when the RE cannot!

 

[amyamelia]

@taxidermy I am so sorry for your losses

 

[taxidermy]

@amyamelia Thank you! I hope you get your positive soon

 

[amyamelia]

@taxidermy You too

 

[efeldubbya]

@taxidermy I'm so sorry

 

[taxidermy]

@efeldubbya Thank you!!

 

[tinglee0021]

@amyamelia That's actually personally way more upsetting to me than getting pregnant easily or accidentally. I know of women that have done this too and it's completely disturbing to me. I waited many years for my hubby to be on the same page in terms of wanting to TTC, so many tears, therapy, resentment, frustration and heartbreak at every baby shower, pregnancy announcement, etc. However not once did I ever consider making it happen purposely "on accident." That's so immoral and disrespectful.

 

[miss19]

@tinglee0021 I don't think OP. is saying they tricked their partner somehow. Just that they both kept TTC a secret from everyone else so they could pretend they hadn't tried.