Would this make you uncomfortable?

B

believingvessel

New member
Quick background: I’ve been divorced since 2017. Ex-husband and I are both from city X but lived in city Y through the 5 years of our marriage. While there, my parents moved from City X to City Y to be closer to my daughter. Right after divorce, ex-husband and I moved back to City X, along with our daughter, and my parents have stayed in City Y. I now live in City X but am in City Y for work 10 days/month. While in City Y, I stay at my parents’ house.

Ex-husband and I share custody of our now teenage daughter. He and I have an amicable relationship, speak often, and co-parent very well (grateful for that). I am friendly with him and his girlfriend of 3 years, but we interact mostly only in the context of co-parenting. This week, is his parenting week and he has traveled to City Y with his girlfriend and my daughter for the holiday, to visit his girlfriend’s parents, who also happen to live in City Y. I am also in City Y this week for work, and he and my daughter are well aware of that.

My parents informed me last night that they will be having dinner this evening with ex-husband, his girlfriend, and my daughter, and possibly the girlfriend’s family. (Note: neither my daughter nor my parents have ever met his girlfriend’s family before and my parents do not know his girlfriend.) This means that I will be home alone in my parent’s house tonight, while they are out to dinner with my ex and his new family. I was not invited to join despite amicable, friendly relationship with both my ex and his girlfriend. I am not mad. I don’t feel that my ex needs to include me in any social activity. But I do find it off putting that my parents will be spending the evening with him and his family while I am in town and at their house. Does this send a vibe of loyalty to my ex, over me, on the part of my parents?

My parents and ex are not close and do not speak other than cordial greetings at events for my daughter and maybe a Happy Holidays text a couple times a year. I know it’s important to my parents to see my daughter who now lives in City X and doesn’t get to spend as much time with them (cities are a 3 hour plane flight apart). Ex, GF and my daughter are only here for a total of 3 days and have chosen to spend one of them with MY parents.

Am I totally off-base in feeling weird about this? When I expressed to my parents that I felt it was strange that they would be at a fancy dinner with my ex and his family, and that I was completely excluded, my dad expressed that it was completely normal and that any feelings to the contrary were irrational and overblown. I did not ask them not to go, or express any anger; simply a feeling of unease. My dad’s reaction makes me wonder if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is, in fact a bit bristling and off-putting. How would you feel?

Sorry so long. I’m new and can’t find a guide to abbreviations.
 
Addendum: it has occurred to me that perhaps a reason I feel uncomfortable with this is because my ex’s parents are not at all friendly toward me and have cut all ties and ALL communication and are cold to me when I see them. Maybe there is some unconscious resentment because my parents have taken the opposite approach with my ex. But I am glad they’re on good terms with him - it’s much better for my daughter, and I do understand it’s not their fault or his that his parents have decided to handle things differently.
 
@believingvessel I'm not even a BM but that just made me cringe. I know I would 100% be uncomfortable with it. Surely your parents could see their granddaughter at another time and not at (what I'm assuming is) Thanksgiving dinner?

I wouldn't say it's showing loyalty to your ex over you, just very inconsiderate in my opinion.
 
@believingvessel
Does this send a vibe of loyalty to my ex, over me, on the part of my parents?
Click to expand...

What? No. This is 100% about them wanting to see their granddaughter.

You added a comment that ex's parent's haven't remained civil to you, that is probably why you were not invited.
 
@believingvessel Ahh yes, sorry I mixed that up. It could still be part of the reason you weren't invited.

But regardless your parents going is about them seeing their granddaughter, not about loyalty to your ex.

It is normal for it to happen. It is also normal to have feeling about it.
 
@believingvessel Maybe because this is the first time your daughter is meeting the GF’s family she wanted to have someone familiar around (your parents)? Perhaps you would also have been invited but they felt uncomfortable introducing you to his GF’s parents?

I get along with my ex’s parents while she has very little to do with mine. But to be completely honest, I can’t imagine introducing a future GF, let alone her family to my former in-laws.
 
@em3817 My ex invited my parents. The restaurant location was clearly my daughter’s choice. It was her fave when we all lived Here, and that may be another thing that is a bit scratchy to me. It is like they are re-creating a family memory, but I’ve been replaced with a different person.
 
@believingvessel While I can’t offer any comment about your daughter part I recently was confronted with a similar situation (though nowhere near the same degree) concerning my brother asking would it be okay with me if he contacted my ex / current co-parent to catch up for a coffee with him. My response was that was between him and my ex but it did and has shaken me up. I can’t imagine if it was my parents and my kid was thrown in the mix.

Your addendum really struck a chord as I did say back to my brother that my ex’s family was going out of their way to call me a gold digger (not an appropriate reflection of the situation at all) where as my family wants to take him out for coffee.

So what I can say is I understand the emotions you are experiencing. They are so very valid. It’s all so complicated.

Yes, the situation would me uncomfortable and unsettled but I think you are doing an amazing job at trying to understand why it is, which is as important to.
 
@believingvessel My mother maintains contact with my ex and hosted him and our kids in her home a couple of times since the divorce. It's bs and I haven't figured out how to talk to her about it.
 
@soleil Ugh. I feel this so much! It is so difficult to talk about! I’m glad my parents put effort into maintaining an amicable relationship with my ex, but it can definitely be taken too far!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top