Worried about setbacks

[chrisjohnstonone]

After a very difficult 4+ years waiting for my husband to get ready and get other things in order, we are 10 days out from TTC on 1st Feb. We have discussed it thoroughly both months ago and last week, so we are both happy.

Yesterday my husband got an email saying some of his company are being laid off and we won’t know if his job is affected for a couple months. There’s only a 6% chance but my husband is super stressed and worried about it. I feel like 6% is good odds and my husband is one of the top earners in his field, so I’m hopeful, but this is coming at a terrible time. We have a full years salary in savings so we’re good for money, but my husband is worried that he won’t find a high paying job any time soon.

I didn’t bring up TTC at the time as he was already stressed, but I’m really worried he’s gonna push us back again. One of the reason we were waiting at one point was so he could get out of the probation period in his current job, which was two years ago. If he does get laid off I imagine he’ll want to wait until he starts his new job and the probation period for that which could be months maybe even a year of waiting as he said he would likely take some time off before going back to work.

Not sure what to do, I can’t stop thinking about this. I’ve been on cloud 9 the last couple weeks thinking this could be my last months of not being pregnant and imagining our baby. I’ll be devastated if we get pushed back AGAIN.

 

[chris461]

@chrisjohnstonone I feel like there’s a respectful way to broach the subject while letting him lead the conversation. Open ended questions help. You sound really empathetic towards the situation happening primarily on his side of things so there’s nothing wrong with asking what he feels this means for TTC instead of busting in with invalidation and demands haha. Your needs matter here too, it’s all about the timing and approach! If you want to give it a week to see how the work week evolves I would understand that too!

 

[katrina2017]

@chrisjohnstonone Anything can happen at any time but life has to go on. You could delay, and then something else happens. Do you just keep delaying each time life throws you a curveball?

A LOT of us in this sub are planners. We have a vision for how we want our family to be, and we want to get things in order so that dream can be realised. This is a wonderful quality and will set us up well to be parents.

BUT

sometimes you just have to take the leap and figure it out as you go. Don't let dreams paralyse you.

Ten days out from your TTC date is NOTHING. You're already mentally prepped and there. Taking yourself out of that mindset and back into limbo of when and fear of running out of time is potentially harmful to your mental health and your relationship.

I sympathise with you a lot. I hope you can have a productive conversation with your husband and remember that your timeline and wishes are just as (if not more, as your body will be the one growing the child) important as his.

 

[eastsideeric]

@katrina2017

I hope you can have a productive conversation with your husband and remember that your timeline and wishes are just as (if not more, as your body will be the one growing the child) important as his.

This ^^ especially. His anxieties about getting pregnant when he doesn't have a job are valid, but delaying conception until everything is perfect could mean OP's getting pregnant older than she would prefer. I hope she feels empowered to listen to him but voice her fears and desires too.

 

[mulungi]

@chrisjohnstonone I'm guessing you have some fund, emergency or not for baby. That's for situations like this!

 

[angiel]

@chrisjohnstonone What would you have done if this news came once you were already pregnant? Maybe that will help you decide if you can push ahead regardless.

 

[chrisjohnstonone]

@angiel I agree with you, it doesn’t change my mind and I feel like things like this will happen whether we have kids or not so it shouldn’t matter as long as we’re fine financially. My husband will say something like “it doesn’t matter because you’re not and it would be irresponsible to get pregnant when I may not have a job”

 

[tim_o]

@chrisjohnstonone Totally understand your disappointment, especially so close to the finish line! I think if you feel that you all could still do this even with his layoff, I would broach the subject. Though I do understand if he was stressed about TTC with such uncertain financial outcomes. Not sure if he’s in tech, but the layoffs are brutal right now. My brother was laid off last May and was pretty confident he would be able to find a job, but with the massive layoffs across the market he’s still looking now, with greater competition given all the ex-Amazon, Google, FB employees now looking for a new gig too.

Could totally not relate to your situation at all. But if he is facing a potential tech company layoff, I might wait to see how it shakes out.

 

[eastsideeric]

@chrisjohnstonone Do you work? If so, it's not like y'all are without any income or health insurance. If you're not employed, it might be worth discussing a delay and setting a timeline for what that delay would be. If he did lose his job and y'all didn't have insurance, that would be cause for concern seeing as you'll need prenatal visits and healthcare throughout the pregnancy. Something else to consider is your age. I'm not sure how old you are, but waiting another year or two may not be ideal. He should also understand that your health is important, so delaying longer is something to carefully weigh.

Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry this is happening. I don't think there's ever a perfect time to have a baby, but I can understand both your perspective and his perspective. Just be honest and give him some space to process.

 

[chrisjohnstonone]

@eastsideeric We’re in UK so no need for health insurance. I don’t work, I’m studying part time. My husband makes enough that I don’t need to work if I don’t want to. I’m also chronically ill so it would be difficult for me to work full time anyway. Hoping to finish my studies before giving birth and work part time when our children are in school. We’re on track for that if we stick to our timeline.

I’m almost 29 and I have fertility issues. I’m already older than I wanted to be before trying. I wanted to be done having babies by 30. I met my husband when I was 19 and made this clear to him but it just never worked out that way for us.

 

[eastsideeric]

@chrisjohnstonone That's awesome you're in the UK. Sorry for writing my comment through an American healthcare hellscape lens lol.

IMHO you should stick to your timeline and start trying in Feb. There's a good chance you won't get pregnant right away since you have fertility issues. And if you do need interventions like IVF, you can't get them until after a year of trying. So if you wait another year or two to even try, your timeline may be further prolonged if you need IVF. It would still be fine if you have your baby in your early to mid-30s, but again, there could be issues.

Maybe it's worth reminding your husband that, even if you got pregnant in Feb, he'd still have 9 months to find another job. That's a long time. Y'all also have a ton of money saved up. It's not like you couldn't pay your bills if it took him a while to find work. In the worst-case scenario, he could work a low-paying job until he found the right one. People have kids when a parent has been laid off, and they make it work. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it happens.

You should talk to him about all of this. Maybe have a relaxing dinner this weekend and give him some space to vent about his work anxieties, then gently bring up TTC. You're allowed to have your fears and voice them. It is valid to be worried about delaying another year or more in the event he loses his job and wants to get established somewhere else before TTC.